winglessangel860 wrote:the pain of being alone outweighs the pain of the unhealthy relationship for me personally.....loneliness feels like abandonement and i can't stand that feeling at all.
i know that's probably not the way that skill's not intended to be used, but in this case, that's the way i use it.....it's the only way i can cope.
a friend of mine is BPD.
I saw what he went through.
I think a lot of it is about focus. What you focus on when you are alone.
When I am alone I focus on me. I get things done I need to do or I work on things I enjoy.
People with BPD have a great deal of OUTER focus...
I think this has to do with who their caregivers were.
The caregiver demanded a lot of attention or focus on their problems but paid very little attention to the child, especially when the child had a problem.
Imagine it like dog training. ( and I am not using this example to be disrespectful its the only equivalent analogy I can think of)
Dog is the child. Mom is the handler.
Everytime the dog wants to go sniff around or take a pee or chase a rabbit, or roll in the mud or jump in a lake. The handler keeps yankin on the leash and making the dog focus on them.
After a while the dog ignores its own instinct to be a dog and instead looks to the handler to tell it what to do. What the hell is wrong with a dog being a dog? The dog was happy being a dog. The dog was free to be a dog.
This is all fine for a dog. And after writing this I am actually thinking thats questionable now! lol
But its definately not good for a child.
This child grows up and then keeps looking to others who are around them to understand how to be in the world. So in effect their focus is being yanked to this person outside of them for direction and that person outside of them for direction and it happens soooo often and for sooo long that when someone drops the leash, they forget how to be their own person anymore.
They forget their own likes and dislikes, values and desires. They dont know how to be if someone is not telling them how to be.
People are not dogs. We have a set of values inside us. Values are things we want and need. They are the very basis of who we are. Our emotions are tools that can direct us to those values. But not if someone else keeps yanking our chain all the time and pulling our focus away from ourselves all the time.
When you are alone. What do you think about?
How to Not be alone? thinking about not being alone means you are LOOKING for others. Thats an outword focus.
When you learn to focus on you.....you dont have time to focus on others. Its not that you dont want them or need them at some point. Its just that you are able to see that even ALONE you have value and importance and significance. You can be happy. But to know what things can make you happy alone, you have to be able to focus on yourself long enough to find out.
Hope this makes sense