Finally seeking help.

Hey everyone, I'm certain I have BPD (I know it is dangerous to self diagnose but it just feels so like "me") and after struggling hard on my own for a long time I have finally opened up to my sister (also one of my best friends) about how much I'm struggling and how worried I am. I have known there's been something wrong with me for a long time but I've always been too scared/ashamed to ever get help. I did go see my doctor one time after a brutal breakup but all I could say was I was feeling a bit down and got some anti-depressants that didn't work.

I've been reading a lot of what you guys say and see so much of myself in you and your posts (sometimes it could be me that has written them) it was pretty scary but relieving at the same time and brought me decide to tell someone, so I told my sister and she has convinced me to go see my doctor. Which was just as well cause I feel I am on the verge of doing something very silly.

I'm glad I found this forum, it's been an eye opener and actually a relief. So thanks guys. I will let you know how I get on.

Hi, Hawndo!

I, too, am someone who is "self-diagnosed." I have discussed my BPD with two therapists so far. My first therapist was my former one, who took out the DSM and went through it with me. I had all but one symptom at the time, but now that I'm digging into some emotional things with my current T, I am thinking I have all 9 criteria. My first therapist said she thought she would've caught it..the thing is, though I have been in therapy since I was 6/7 (not with the same person), I never really invested in therapy, and for the last two years, a friend has been my therapist, which kept my actual therapist from seeing the dark side of me. Now, my new therapist and I are clicking really well, and we're working on a lot of my issues. My friend is gone, so now my ugly side is coming out in therapy...and fast.

Anyway, I understand what you mean about this forum giving you comfort. I, too, found this forum when I was still looking into the possibility of BPD and really love this place. Have you read the, "You know you're BPD when..." thread? It's hilarious..you may get a kick out of it. I know I did!

I'm so glad you're seeking help. I think it's totally worth it, Please keep us updated =)

Take care.
-Ev

Hi Ev, thanks very much for the reply!

If I can ask, when you were looking into the condition did you know there was something up but couldn't find anything that explained why you acted or thought the way you did, then when you found BPD it all just made complete sense, like a light-bulb just went on? That was the weird revelation I had.

The hardest thing for me has been opening up about my problems; I would say I definitely have all of the signs (but some are much more predominant than others). I used to talk to my ex-lass about my feelings (I had no idea BPD existed at this time) and to be honest my ex-girlfriend who was a nurse was actually awesome in dealing with me but I just pushed her away constantly and eventually too far. I would always try to explain I didn't feel okay, was having an off-day (when I was going through a random day of hating her for no real reason) or had this empty feeling inside and wanted to be alone. She used to tell me to see help all the time, but I just told her I was depressed and that was it. Looking back if I had seen help earlier I would have been a better boyfriend and we could still be together, I miss her loads and think she was my one chance at not being alone. The thought of being alone terrifies me, just thinking about it gives me panic attacks.

Haha yeah I read a lot of that thread, it is funny but kinda scary too cause I'm knew to this BPD business and most of the time think "oh God that's me, I've done that"

Hello Hawndo,

I just wanted to say hi...and say that I have also recently discovered I have the condition too and joined this site yesterday.
Just knowing there are others like me was a total revelation (I believe I have suffered with the condition and its chaotic consequences for 40 years or so).
Knowing I was part of a wider community who 'understands' (for the first time in my life) has already provided a little comfort and to read other people's stories and insights (all of which could be about me personally too) has amazed me.
I thought I was totally alone and isolated (as I have been for decades), but now realise I (and you my friend), are part of a large community.
So I guess we don't have to suffer in silence anymore at least!!??
I understand totally your metaphor about a light going on; for me it was like finding a 'magic' key which, with one turn, allowed a myriad of complex emotions and a plethora of turbulent past events and problems, to suddenly click into place...pretty much instantly.
I have researched and read a fair bit on the subject recently (medical sites, blogs, and sites such as this etc) which I have usually done open-mouthed in shock and surprise...it was as though these people had peered into the deepest, darkest recesses of my soul...and written it down in black and white.
In a few days...I felt my inner world had been completely articulated (although I'm learning new things from you guys everyday it seems) and brought into the 'objective' world.
Just knowing it was a 'thing' and had a 'name' was an incredible discovery for me and, I feel, was my first step towards understanding and coping with the condition...(hopefully..fingers crossed!!)

All the best to you...and good luck with your journey

Hi guys, need a bit of advice!
I have my doctor appointment tomorrow and am.trying to sort what I'm gonna say. Should I just say what I'm feeling and get her to diagnose me or should I actually tell her I am certain I have BPD?

I would stay away from telling your doctor that you're certain you have BPD. They don't like it when you tell them what's wrong with you in that sense and are much less likely to give you the actual diagnosis. I would just stick to telling him your symptoms and how they impact your life.

Hawndo wrote:Hi Ev, thanks very much for the reply!

No problem!

Hawndo wrote:If I can ask, when you were looking into the condition did you know there was something up but couldn't find anything that explained why you acted or thought the way you did, then when you found BPD it all just made complete sense, like a light-bulb just went on? That was the weird revelation I had.

Yeah, that's actually exactly what happened. I always knew there was something was wrong with me and I had looked into BPD and bi-polar before, but I initially could not see my symptoms. Then, after my friend told me to look into it, I did see my symptoms...and it was exactly like you said. It was nice to have a name for it...I knew there was something wrong with my way of thinking!

Hawndo wrote:The hardest thing for me has been opening up about my problems....

Me too. I have suppressed emotions, mainly from people not validating them when I was a kid and having been told that it was wrong to feel angry. Now, it's so hard to dig up what I actually feel about my problems and therefore, it's hard to explain my problems. It's very, very frustrating. When I do open up about my issues, I feel like I can't actually put it into words. It's like there's a short in my brain. I want to cut the bad part out of my brain sometimes!

Hawndo wrote:
The thought of being alone terrifies me, just thinking about it gives me panic attacks.

I usually have panic attacks when I think of that, too. It's my biggest fear. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have therapy or one person there who could help me through the issues I face everyday. It's really scary.

Skipped the doctors, had a wee episode and decided to cancel it cause I started to panic. Instead I decided to try and get in touch with my ex. Blergh.