I've actually talked to her about it. I really don't think there's a passive aggressive intention behind it. I don't think she leaves it around for me to find at all. It is mostly stored away in cabinets, but I know it's there and when I feel like $#%^ I sometimes can't help finding things that justify it.
Virgo wrote:I don't know what your situation is but first, you need to get self sufficient. Can't be sitting around if she's your support. This might be a hint she has the upper hand. Biting the hand that feeds you is not the best idea. It sounds like you're in a predictament. She can do whatever she wants.
I definitely do need to find my self sufficiency, unfortunately I am in a rough spot without work and dealing with depression and esteem issues. That is definitely making it more difficult to find my own way in the world. She doesn't do whatever she wants and really is supportive much of the time, but it definitely does shift the balance of power as I'm largely at her mercy. Having my own place/sufficiency would definitely make me feel more in control and give me more stability, but seems out of grasp for the time being.
She says that she still has it partly because she hasn't gone through it in order to get rid of it and that it doesn't really matter to her. I believe this to some extent, but I know she has some attachment to it as her own personal memories. I still can't help but be bothered by it, though. If it doesn't matter why have it? I understand having an attachment and appreciation of your past, but I don't need so many pictures and intimate journals as constant reminders of past relationships.
Many of the relationships are old and long past, and not all of them bother me. Some ran their course and she ended them and moved on. I have no problem with those. It's the ones where she was pretty much being used (was the other girl) and then dumped that bother me most. She still sees them as "normal" "loving" relationships and these are the ones that all the journal entries are about.
The fact that she didn't end the relationships and the passion never faded lead me to think there was no proper closure for her and that's what bothers me. It's not uncommon to feel like the person who dumped you was "too good" for you which leaves you wanting them more to prove you are good enough.. I've been there myself, but I got the closure I needed.
She seems to be doing the same sorts of picture taking and hoarding for me, which would make me feel special usually, but knowing she has the same collections for exes diminishes my feeling of importance to her. I guess all the mementos make me feel like she still carries a flame for them in her heart which feels like betrayal to me. I don't make her share space in my heart and I'd like the same.
Maybe when I'm old I'll regret my lost memories and mementos, but for now I'm trying to let much of that fade so I can move on and give unadulterated love to the person I'm with. Just wish she saw it the same way.