Trigger Addiction? her past relationships (trigger)

Is it normal to have a compulsion to actively seek out things that trigger you?

It may be just the opposite I guess.. I look to see that it's not there like a monster under the bed, only the monster is always there leering back..

It sometimes just feels like I just can't let myself be happy and I'll actively seek out triggering material just to make myself feel horrible and uncomfortable and alone.

I live at my gf's place right now. Her past relationships can be a huge trigger for me that set off a cascade of negative thoughts that just leave me feeling distraught, physically ill, and closed off from her. She has come to realize this and generally avoids bringing up her past relationships in a context that will set me off.

I'm by myself most of the time and tend to get stir crazy because I have too much free time right now. This can lead to negative thoughts and paranoia about abandonment as well as stupid behavior. Occasionally I'll just see something (her ex's stuff, a notebook, photographs, etc) that just makes me feel insecure so I seek out evidence to confirm my paranoia. I can't ignore the impulse, it just eats at my brain.

She has a lot of photos and journals all over the place, the first of which I found by complete accident. It's like pandora's box, I know what is in it, but my obsession forces me to throw it open just so I can know the full truth even if it crushes me.

She has albums of photos of exes, and the journal entries are entirely about them. I have also found more explicit messages, journal entries, and pictures.. I hate it. I split her black and myself for doing that to her.. I'm torn.

I'm a horrible person for snooping, but I can't help but feel like she is, too, for having all of this around. It's not cheating by any means, but keeping journals that obsess over them and detail being intimately involved with them seems like a betrayal and inability to just let them fade.

I understand having memories stowed away, but having so much of past relationships kept around seems wrong. I have relatively no sentimental keepsakes from past relationships (though they were all significant and long lasting) because I don't dwell on them or want to look back on them. I know it's not fair to ask this of someone else, but I can't help but feel my way is more virtuous. I feel like she keeps things to reminisce and the idea of her reliving any of that or wanting to be with them kills me. I feel like I'm just being compared and can't live up to anything..

She says she's over them and they mean nothing to her and I'm all that matters now..
I want to believe her and trust her fully, but I just can't. The pictures and journal entries just seem to prove my suspicions right, and I instantly just feel like I'm "just another relationship" and nothing special.

It's like I need to know I'm the best but I can't believe her because I have seen into her mind and know what she felt for others (the same things she tells me). No one is honest enough to give the truth because it hurts. But I need the truth even if it destroys me because I don't want to live based on lies..

I seem to come to terms with things but it always flares back up.. I wish she'd throw it all that past away but I don't feel like it's fair of me to tell her to burn her memories, even though I try to do the same for her..

I would love to hear what other people have to say. I know there is a middle ground to this post but maybe not. Perhaps I'm WRONG to think there is something wrong with this picture. Maybe the emotions are over the board but I have come to a new place in my life. I would be looking for a new place to live and when I found it I would get it. Then I would take all her so called memorablia and dump it in a trash can and leave her a note were she can find it and stick it after she does. Its passive aggressive and I don't buy she is just leaving that stuff around for you find it innocently.

I don't know what your situation is but first, you need to get self sufficient. Can't be sitting around if she's your support. This might be a hint she has the upper hand. Biting the hand that feeds you is not the best idea. It sounds like you're in a predictament. She can do whatever she wants.

If thats not the case then this girl is not for you. She is not being sensitive to your feelings whether she agrees with them or not. Chances are she has no emotional investment in her stuff from the past except as a passive aggressive tool that screams I replaced love before I can do it again. Who wants to live with that reminder.

Keep calm, ignore the stuff, and perhaps its best you focus on the alternatives for yourself.

I've actually talked to her about it. I really don't think there's a passive aggressive intention behind it. I don't think she leaves it around for me to find at all. It is mostly stored away in cabinets, but I know it's there and when I feel like $#%^ I sometimes can't help finding things that justify it.

Virgo wrote:I don't know what your situation is but first, you need to get self sufficient. Can't be sitting around if she's your support. This might be a hint she has the upper hand. Biting the hand that feeds you is not the best idea. It sounds like you're in a predictament. She can do whatever she wants.

I definitely do need to find my self sufficiency, unfortunately I am in a rough spot without work and dealing with depression and esteem issues. That is definitely making it more difficult to find my own way in the world. She doesn't do whatever she wants and really is supportive much of the time, but it definitely does shift the balance of power as I'm largely at her mercy. Having my own place/sufficiency would definitely make me feel more in control and give me more stability, but seems out of grasp for the time being.

She says that she still has it partly because she hasn't gone through it in order to get rid of it and that it doesn't really matter to her. I believe this to some extent, but I know she has some attachment to it as her own personal memories. I still can't help but be bothered by it, though. If it doesn't matter why have it? I understand having an attachment and appreciation of your past, but I don't need so many pictures and intimate journals as constant reminders of past relationships.

Many of the relationships are old and long past, and not all of them bother me. Some ran their course and she ended them and moved on. I have no problem with those. It's the ones where she was pretty much being used (was the other girl) and then dumped that bother me most. She still sees them as "normal" "loving" relationships and these are the ones that all the journal entries are about.

The fact that she didn't end the relationships and the passion never faded lead me to think there was no proper closure for her and that's what bothers me. It's not uncommon to feel like the person who dumped you was "too good" for you which leaves you wanting them more to prove you are good enough.. I've been there myself, but I got the closure I needed.

She seems to be doing the same sorts of picture taking and hoarding for me, which would make me feel special usually, but knowing she has the same collections for exes diminishes my feeling of importance to her. I guess all the mementos make me feel like she still carries a flame for them in her heart which feels like betrayal to me. I don't make her share space in my heart and I'd like the same.

Maybe when I'm old I'll regret my lost memories and mementos, but for now I'm trying to let much of that fade so I can move on and give unadulterated love to the person I'm with. Just wish she saw it the same way.

I think, and this is just my BPD opinion...but if someone who doesn't have a MI, can understand that someone with an MI is triggered by this...then they shouldn't do it. My husband is a neat freak...I try not to mess his stuff up. That kinda thing. I'm not big on keeping Exs on Facebook, and whatever else....I would be ticked off too if everything I read was just like the pretty words she said to me...that's triggering for you. I'm the exact same way as you. exact. You guys just need to make some kind of deal or something. Like maybe when you guys are engaged she burns them...or better yet...lets you burn them!! lol No. I don't thin it would be right for anyone...not just a BPD. xx Good luck with it.

I trigger myself too.