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episodes

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episodes

Postby thefool » Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:43 am

Okay

I have been going down hill and having fights with friends, family and hate it also the man i liked and i think he is over it and starting to drift away.

I have episodes almost manic like where I message everyone and can't control it at the time until later on i can't remember all my messages and regret and live in shame.
I even have days i don't go to work through depression and shame. I have a constant pain in my chest emotional and physical and i am always really stressed and paranoid.

I cut up my arm all up it with a razor last night and started abusing prescription pills and threatening suicide and then took the day off and drank and pilled myself to sleep until earlier. I have to face him and people at work worried due to my time off. I don't even remember what i told my boss when i was sick.

My emotions are so more than neurotic i have a psych appointment thursday morning should i show him the cuts how out of control i am ? Most people stay away believing i am crazy .... its sad.
I don't know how to come forward and not be embarrassed and relax and take what happened rather than chase or go from love to hate and anger ...
"what doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.
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Re: episodes

Postby missehffs » Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:53 am

Is work aware of your "issues"? If they are aware of your problems, perhaps explain to them that you're not your usual self at the moment and feeling very much under the weather.
Get a doctors note explaining that you'll need time off due to stress etc - I went and did the same thing about a month ago. I took lots of prescription pills, more so than usual which made me go off the wall (I was talking jibberish) I got paraletically drunk twice and was discussing relationship issues with my boyfriend - which lead to an arguement and me slashing my wrists and in a mess.
I ended up going to the hospital and seeing the psych team, who put me on Diazapam (Valium) so I could sleep (I hadn't slept for about 5 days).
I get the manic, abandoment and fear stages too. I'd suggest talk to work, don't go fully in depth with whats going on, just enough to allow them to give you some time off to get back on your feet again. Have a chat with your Dr and try to speak with a psychologist/therapist to discuss your issues further. Let it all hang out there so they can help you effectively. Bare in mind what you're doing to yourself at the moment isn't helping you, it's only making things worse.
If people reject you for being crazy, well f**k them, they arn't very good friends to begin with anyway. In times like this I find you wittle down your friends and family until you're left with the good ones. They're the people who will accept you regardless and help you when there's nothing left. These people are the people you should rely on for support.
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Re: episodes

Postby thefool » Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:25 am

They know.

But we have cancer suvivors and bipolars etc in the company.
I am needed to come in was granted annual leave for my holiday overseas end of year and had enough sick days.

They just don't have much compassion i have a job to do and make things worse myself - drinking in bed on my day off.


Just so out of control you know ?
"what doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.
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Re: episodes

Postby tortoise11 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:30 am

I have bipolar disorder and BPD. It's not an unusual combination and it is HARD. Talk you your Dr. If you have a mood disorder, it can be treated with medication. You'll still struggle with the BPD symptoms that aren't affected by medication, but it would be a lot easier.

I have both and a couple other things. I can barely work even with very generous accomodations at work. I am down to less than 16 hours a week now. I use a service dog, I can leave work when I need to, I can take naps at work. I was recently off of work for a month! My fiance is my boss, so I even get emotional support sometimes - but usually he's really busy on my bad days. Last week I worked Monday and Tuesday - I did not recover from the stress until the next Sunday! (And this is during a remission from bipolar disorder symptoms! *sigh* Life is grand...)

I'm getting distracted. Do see a Dr. You might be struggling with a lot more than BPD and you might be able to get treatment that really works and improves your life.
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Re: episodes

Postby thefool » Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:33 am

i HATE BPD.

i want things to go back to friendly messages from him all the time ... he said he is still a friend. But the last two weeks i was so mental i feel bad but its hard to control.
I want it go back to tat but ive made it hard.

-- Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:37 am --

well yeah you know it -

i mean with both there is anxiety and trauma, there is substance abuse and suicidal feelings and not being able to make it through work through depression when you're depressed your in PHYSICAL PAIN. I mean everyone has problems and stresses in life but when it comes to mood disorders or any such as BPD that run with bipolar you are going to struggle with things and not perform to 100%.

I was warned months ago when some external customer complained how i handled something. Normally i have not been complained about but that called a meeting with my manager and the hR directior who reminds me of the Queen of Hearts like in Alice in Wonderland.

I have just taken a credit card out to visit my sister overseas as i am on a low wage, rent and am a bad person with money. I need to not be fired or retrenched even with bad health so i am worried but i couldn't face the office, i was torn and my mind was sick. I took extra pills to sleep last night later on and have really razored up my arm. If i had a better health support team i was contimplating going to hospital for a day or two break.

I have a psych appointment Thursday and debating whether to show my cuts off and risk what he says.

Thanks sorrry you are dealing with so much. Do you find yourself embarrassed after raging out or psycho messages, or just episodes ?

xoxoxox
"what doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.
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Re: episodes

Postby MissAli » Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:40 pm

Hi rebba...


A couple thoughts, and if you feel more comfortable PM'ing me the answers, I'm def okay with that.

Firstly, what is it that you are running from? I mean, in a way, each and every one of us is running from ourselves, but there must have been some deep trauma in your life that is resurfacing and asking to be acknowledged, and I can't help but think that whatever it is may be what you're drowning out.

Secondly, do you ever write down on a calendar when these episodes tend to get worse? I had someone suggest that to me before, and I thought it was utter bullsh*t, until I did it, and realized that I tended to jump off the cliff 3 days prior to my period, and then if I didn't recognize what was going on, it lasted weeks. Now that I'm more aware, and kind of expect it, I've learned to deal with some of it, knowing its coming, and it is less lengthy.

And thirdly - yes, I do think you should share with your doctor what is going on, because you're doing yourself an injustice to sit and talk to them if you're not going to receive the help you need for each piece of the puzzle.


<3 you....


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Knowing other people is intelligence, knowing yourself is wisdom.

Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power.

If you realize that what you have is enough, you will be rich, truly rich.

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Re: episodes

Postby Xena » Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:06 pm

Hi, Rebba.

I noticed one of the antisocials on the AsPD forum posted a thread over there *in your honour*. Miss Ali was right to lock it down.

You be very careful when those people leave their forum to come over here to *hunt*, ok? I'm not entirely sure what your and AJ's separate stories are, or if there is a Rebba&AJ Together story. That's none of my business. For your own safety, just don't go and meet anybody from that forum IRL, ok?

Good luck managing your illnesses and getting back to work. I hope you're feeling better soon.
"Don't argue with crazy people. You'll look like you're the one who's crazy." -Mom
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Re: episodes

Postby thefool » Tue Jul 03, 2012 10:39 pm

Xena wrote:Hi, Rebba.

I noticed one of the antisocials on the AsPD forum posted a thread over there *in your honour*. Miss Ali was right to lock it down.

You be very careful when those people leave their forum to come over here to *hunt*, ok? I'm not entirely sure what your and AJ's separate stories are, or if there is a Rebba&AJ Together story. That's none of my business. For your own safety, just don't go and meet anybody from that forum IRL, ok?

Good luck managing your illnesses and getting back to work. I hope you're feeling better soon.



Hey Xena. Yeah i think he was just trolling me at first hence why I started troll back. We don't really know each other and don't really talk. I was puzzled at first too but then caught on to him trolling me because i started a few posts. I noticed the thread was locked anyway. I was trolling back i am too lazy and depressed to really stalk anyone right now and wouldn't stalk them. I hope that part was understood as me joking back.

Thanks for looking out for me.
"what doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.
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Re: episodes

Postby thefool » Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:04 pm

They have told me I need to get my act together though. They support me going to appointments and some days off but I need to come here. I need to have money for rent , etc. I am just in a tough situation right now. I feel very depressed.
"what doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.
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Re: episodes

Postby ajr8 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 11:10 pm

Yes, rebba87 and I were just trolling the ASPD forum together, we don't actually talk we were just joking around. And let me point out that at the same time rebba and I were flooding her thread with crap, I was also giving her actual support in PM.
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