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Namland, home of the Doppelganger

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Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby nam24601 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:24 am

Okay, well my subject line is really pathetic but I couldn't for the life of me come up with anything better. I've been reading this forum quite a bit over the last few days and have decided to finally introduce myself officially.

I'm a 32 year old female who has recently been given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Dysthymic Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. Over the years I have been given various other labels and was actually diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago but I stubbornly rejected the idea because at the time I thought my psychiatrist (whom I did not like in the first place) was only diagnosing me with it due to my sexual orientation. In fact, as soon as I saw that sexual identity issues were considered a symptom of the disorder I completely closed my mind to anything else about it. So instead of getting help I dug in my heels and have wasted the last 10 years or so seeking multiple second opinions, landing in and out of the hospital for suicide threats, and generally creating havoc and destroying everything I came in contact with. In any case, I'm here now. I have accepted the fact that I have BPD (especially after reading this forum and discovering how much I really identify with) and will be starting DBT in September. Of course, that seems like an eternal wait to me at the moment, like I'm suspended in a vacuous void left to stew for months in my own self-destructive fantasy world with no guarantee that it will even help me, but I'm trying to be hopeful. It's hard when it feels like nothing in life can or will ever get better, especially when it never has, and I have to admit I've been really struggling with a lot of newfound self-awareness, which has led me down the path of self-punishment a few times recently. I'm a mess. There's a part of me that feels like I'm a big tangled ball of yarn, and I'm afraid that once (if) it finally becomes untangled I'll only find that there was nothing underneath it all. I guess that's normal for someone with BPD, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it.

To further complicate my personal situation, I have a 7 year old son with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. Because of my instability I voluntarily gave custody to his father but I worry about how my moods and behaviours have affected him, especially with an autistic child needing so much structure and extra understanding. My son is my main motivation to get better, and is in fact the only thing that has kept me alive for the last few years. Beyond him, I really have nobody of importance in my life at the moment. I have a very few friends/acquaintances, but no one who really understands me or is close enough to me to be any kind of emotional support. I tend to keep to myself as much as possible (and was even diagnosed agoraphobic at one point) for the main purpose of creating as little damage as possible. I view myself as a tornado sometimes, leaving nothing in my wake but mass destruction.

So anyway, I'm planning on making this thread/topic my new "home" for the time being. I'd rather post any questions I have and such in the same place since I have a tendency to get overwhelmed sometimes. I hope this is okay. I'm glad I found this forum and look forward to getting to know everyone. Thanks for reading :)
Life is merely moments made of perceived reflections off reality's blade---------Me
nam24601
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby myfault » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:12 am

Hi nam;

I'm sure the others will be along Shortly to welcome you .. But until they do..
I would like to say welcome.

I also want you to know that I think it is wonderful that you want to get better for your son and for you.
That is the best gift you could give.

Hugs to you

mf
Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby nam24601 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:08 pm

Hi MF and thanks for the welcome. I have to admit I'm a little disappointed in receiving only one reply. Are these boards very active? I'm trying not to let myself get all paranoid, lol, but it's a struggle. I keep thinking if fellow BPD sufferers don't accept me what chance do I have in the real world? I know it's been only 1 day, lol, but hey, I am crazy afterall ;)
Life is merely moments made of perceived reflections off reality's blade---------Me
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby nam24601 » Sun Mar 11, 2012 3:09 am

Would it be considered attention-seeking behaviour if I bumped my own thread? ;)
Life is merely moments made of perceived reflections off reality's blade---------Me
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby nam24601 » Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:41 am

I'm starting to feel unwelcome here...am I doing something wrong?
Life is merely moments made of perceived reflections off reality's blade---------Me
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby bsl9408 » Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:49 am

Hey,

I'm sorry that you're feeling unwelcome :( you shouldn't be feeling like that, ive just briefly read all your posts and you havent done anything wrong I can assure you..

You may have not gotten many replies to this original post because:

a. the title doesnt really explain anything about what could be in the post (people dont read every single post - theyll read things that have a title where theyll know what theyre about to read) and
b. you didnt ask any questions or anything that people could respond to, it was just an introduction post

we can probably all relate to everything you've said in your introduction though so you're not alone

*hug
Dx: Borderline Personality Disorder; Social Anxiety Disorder; Dysthemia; Sleep Paralysis
Tx: psych med & therapy free atm
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby distortedgirl » Sun Mar 25, 2012 10:40 am

Hi nam,

Welcom to the forum.
I think many people here, including me, can relate to your situations or feelings.

Hope you will find good supports here.

dg
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby wineaux » Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:22 pm

hi there! it's spring break all over the US so people are on vaca and things have been a bit sporadic with spring fever :wink:

welcome to the forum :)

Dx: PDNOS, ADHD, MDD, ED (recovering)

i'm in your threadz, moddin' your postsImage
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Re: Namland, home of the Doppelganger

Postby nam24601 » Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:30 pm

Thanks for the replies! The feedback was very helpful too...I know I'll often read other posts and not know what to say so say nothing yet I get upset when it happens to me lol.
Life is merely moments made of perceived reflections off reality's blade---------Me
nam24601
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Do you ever feel...

Postby nam24601 » Sun Apr 01, 2012 1:11 pm

Ever wake up and remember the previous day as if it were another lifetime? Or like it was all a dream? You remember events as though they are pages from a story book with little emotional attachment except sometimes a pervading feeling of foolishness, disbelief, humiliation, shame and regret.
Ever feel that same detachment from the present moment? From yourself? From the people you care about?
Ever long for that same detachment because your emotions feel too intense? Your blood is boiling, your skin is crawling and your stomach is like a washer on the spin cycle...and it's malfunctioning, bouncing erratically around the basement. Ever feel like that malfunctioning washing machine makes a good metaphor for your entire life?
Life is merely moments made of perceived reflections off reality's blade---------Me
nam24601
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 1:34 am
Local time: Thu Apr 17, 2014 10:12 am
Blog: View Blog (5)

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