Okay, well my subject line is really pathetic but I couldn't for the life of me come up with anything better. I've been reading this forum quite a bit over the last few days and have decided to finally introduce myself officially.
I'm a 32 year old female who has recently been given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Dysthymic Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. Over the years I have been given various other labels and was actually diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago but I stubbornly rejected the idea because at the time I thought my psychiatrist (whom I did not like in the first place) was only diagnosing me with it due to my sexual orientation. In fact, as soon as I saw that sexual identity issues were considered a symptom of the disorder I completely closed my mind to anything else about it. So instead of getting help I dug in my heels and have wasted the last 10 years or so seeking multiple second opinions, landing in and out of the hospital for suicide threats, and generally creating havoc and destroying everything I came in contact with. In any case, I'm here now. I have accepted the fact that I have BPD (especially after reading this forum and discovering how much I really identify with) and will be starting DBT in September. Of course, that seems like an eternal wait to me at the moment, like I'm suspended in a vacuous void left to stew for months in my own self-destructive fantasy world with no guarantee that it will even help me, but I'm trying to be hopeful. It's hard when it feels like nothing in life can or will ever get better, especially when it never has, and I have to admit I've been really struggling with a lot of newfound self-awareness, which has led me down the path of self-punishment a few times recently. I'm a mess. There's a part of me that feels like I'm a big tangled ball of yarn, and I'm afraid that once (if) it finally becomes untangled I'll only find that there was nothing underneath it all. I guess that's normal for someone with BPD, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it.
To further complicate my personal situation, I have a 7 year old son with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. Because of my instability I voluntarily gave custody to his father but I worry about how my moods and behaviours have affected him, especially with an autistic child needing so much structure and extra understanding. My son is my main motivation to get better, and is in fact the only thing that has kept me alive for the last few years. Beyond him, I really have nobody of importance in my life at the moment. I have a very few friends/acquaintances, but no one who really understands me or is close enough to me to be any kind of emotional support. I tend to keep to myself as much as possible (and was even diagnosed agoraphobic at one point) for the main purpose of creating as little damage as possible. I view myself as a tornado sometimes, leaving nothing in my wake but mass destruction.
So anyway, I'm planning on making this thread/topic my new "home" for the time being. I'd rather post any questions I have and such in the same place since I have a tendency to get overwhelmed sometimes. I hope this is okay. I'm glad I found this forum and look forward to getting to know everyone. Thanks for reading
Life is merely moments made of perceived reflections off reality's blade---------Me