Hello, I'm new tothis forum and was recently diagnosed with BPD (with impulsive traits, apparently), and depression. I spent a number of years in 12 step fellowships for eating disorders and relationship issues unaware that I have BPD. My mental health deteriorated and my behaviour in these fellowships was inexplicable to me, though it makes more sense now I have a proper diagnosis. Anyway, I recently started attending AA after developing a problem with alcohol, which led to an overdose of alcohol and painkillers. The meetings have given me just over 30 days off alcohol but I'm finding them really difficult - I tend to have dramatic, emotional outbursts when I share and then feel rejected and abandoned when people keep a distance. I also feel quite fragmented in my identity and lose touch with who I am and what I want to say, or sometimes dissociate. If I feel scared I just shut people out and hide in a corner but seek reassurance from individuals and then hate myself forthis behaviour. Recently I have developed an obsessive fear that I am not being honest and that everyone can seethis. I am attracted to the peace and calm I see in people with long-term sobriety but have been feeling hopeless recently about my ability to get the 12 steps, especially based on previous experience. I have self-harmed and felt suicidal after meetings but then again I feel suicidal when I drink or isolate myself too. I'm waiting for new medication and therapy via the NHS so maybe BPD treatment will help with AA recovery, I don't know. If anyone readingthis can share their own experiences of 12 step recovery with a BPD diagnosis I would appreciate it.
dx BPD with impulsive traits and depression