People Pleasing Behavior

This question is for those currently in, or who have completed DBT therapy, but feedback from those not in DBT is totally welcome too
Have you ever found People Pleasing Behavior to be a problem for you? Have you ever found yourself doing/saying something you don't want too, or going along with others whether you actually agree or not? Has this behavior ever caused you quality of life issues? For example, losing good friends.
For me I've found that this behavior stems from fear of abandonment and the need to be cared about. If this behavior is a problem for you, where do you think it stems from?
If you are dealing with or have delt with this issue in DBT as a Target Behavior, did you make good progress with it?
Thanks a lot in advance

Hi MRG;

I do not suffer with the effects of BPD, my husband did, BUT I am co-dependant.
I was a huge people pleaser, not out of fear of abandonment , but needing to be loved, needing to be accepted.

From what my T. said is that I need approval, approval that I never got as a child. It sucks big time. You think you are doing what is right, what you are told to do, and it is never right… I hated it, it just made me more confused, and in the end drained of wanting to do anything.

I was told that I have to become “Aware”. Relay listen to what others are saying. If I agree then let them know but if I disagree let them know that as well (nicely). I am working on boundaries as well. Now just to get rid of the depression…. Another story…

I told me therapist today that I'm terrified of this behavior. Because I didn't (and usually don't) know it was happening until it was too late. So my T also advized me to be Mindful. When I realize I'm doing it, he says it's ok to even say "This is one of my Target Behaviors, get back to you later" and end the interaction.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to change. Acting that way takes away from my self respect, and hurts those around me. I always have good intentions but my misguided seeking of effection and aprovel ruins everything.
Have you been making progress in this area? Is thee hope?

No and personally I have never heard of people pleasing being a symptom of BPD. For me my BPD made me hate people, feel different, feel paranoid that my loved ones hated me, react in extremes to prove they would abandon me, wanted them to live up to my ridiculous high standards and definition of what "love" was. I didn't get emotionally attached to any other people, had a hard time keeping friends because I pushed them away.
I certainly never wanted to people please, I wanted people to transform into my ideal of what people should be. I have a hard time in social situations when I am not heard. I get angry when people talk about themselves because I feel I should be talking about myself.
I had low confidence and eating disorder as a result of BPD, but I always reacted on the other side of low self confidence, as in dressing up really weird, and not caring what anyone thought of me.

When I did have close relationships sometimes boundaries were hard, because I care too much about people, but ultimately the disease and fear of abandonment made me do things to hurt people and keep them at arms length.

Personally, I had pretty extreme people pleasing behavior, out of my childhood, and I especially used to say "I'm sorry" a lot, but not anymore except when actually necessary. I think it varies, to be honest. Oh, and also, after all that "people pleasing", I automatically feel that if the relationship developed enough, that I should expect the person to go at lengths to please me, from big to small. And I get mean about that, but not anymore either, just in very very small quantities.

I have paranoia, boundry issues with those I'm close too, and sometimes high standards. I also wonder if people are mad at me.
People pleasing seems to be a way for me to try and keep from being abandoned. and to keep people happy with me despite my faults. Sadly, this backfires in my face. and it's no small thing either. We're talking about complete self destruction that comes from this. I really wanna stop and validate myself in some other way than people pleasing.

I wouldn't call it "people pleasing", though I guess it is. To me I'd describe it as trying to avoid abandonment- if I try to make people like me and fit what they think of me or what things should be like then they won't reject me. It's also a very fake and hollow me, because they have no idea that underneath I might totally disagree with them- in respect to that I also have no idea what my opinion really is. So just pretending I agree so as not to rock the boat often feels safest.

I too would really love to have a more constructive way of being validated and not abandoned. I think that's where some of my self destruct mechanisms come from too MRG.

Why does it all have to be so complicated???

I've heard of "people pleasing" and also not being able to say "no" as being a BPD thing. I used to think it was pure codependency but not so much anymore.

At any rate, just like any other BPD compulsive behavior, I think the way to fight it is mostly by practicing self awareness… that way you can learn to tell when the need is coming from YOU and when it's coming from the BPD…

Exactly! I sometiems feel not rocking the boat is safest so that they will like and not abandon me, and am not always certain what my opinion is anyway.
Shaky you're right. Mindfulness is the most important skill for me to master here.
I just hope I can fix this and it's not too late to fix myself.

As this post is 4 years old, i think its helpful to "revive" this thread , i have been researching my "people pleasing" behavior recently and i think its very helpful for the new pwBPD to pick up this old thread and maybe have some insights 4 years on.

ive read that it is very unhealthy to say "yes" all the time, builds up resentment and irritation
(happened to me) i just didn't think at can all be connected to my struggles until i learned more and more about myself over the last year.

its actually very interesting how amazingly everything has a cause and effect

I think "reviving" this thread will have some good and positive results (hopefully)