I forgot to mention that the reason I am dealing with the effect of the breakup now rather than months ago when we decided we were going to part ways is because we agreed (or he agreed after I begged and begged) to have one last "hurrah" over new years, so I went to see him where he lives.
I told myself I would not let any of my rage or BPD-ness interfere and just have a good time with him, really make him miss me before we parted ways to ensure that he'd come back. Well, suffice it to say we had a terrible time, and I was more out of control than ever. I really made it hell for both of us.
So I just got back a couple of days ago, and although he maintains he loves me and was crying when I left, we are cutting off due to our agreement. But the last trip and the shock of being with him and then NOT really has made this so much more difficult and made my regrets that much worse. I wasn't ready for that trip, I should have gotten healthy first.
Anyway, he says that once I get healthy and get this under control to call him and he will see where he's at in life and if he's ready to give this another shot. But the reason I wrote on here is the periods of dysphoria I have been experiencing these past few days are unbearable. I don't know how to get through them. And I don't know if it's normal to experience a breakup like this SO INTENSELY and if it is my BPD that is preventing me from grieving healthily or is it just me as an individual that can't handle this properly?
-- Sun Jan 08, 2012 1:46 pm --
Yes, thank you. That sounds familiar although I have not taken extremes like that, but sometimes I think the only reason I don't is because I am considering my parents as well, whom I am very close with. The times when I decided to break it off, I dealt with it much better. Two of the times I broke it off were because I found strength in other men, and my pattern is to not let go of one relationship until I am ensured another... my attachment issues.
So this time, I don't have any other prospects and although we both "agreed" to this breakup originally, really it was ultimately his decision since I changed my mind about it and begged him to change his too and reconsider. So it has been especially devastating to me, especially since I blame myself and my BPD for the destruction of this relationship.
What I'm feeling is very physical, too. Panic attacks, a longingness to be with him that feels like a need that has to be met NOW or else I'll die. And even though it's supposed to be a breakup and not a "break," it is left sort of open-ended because he says when I get healthy, we will reconvene and see where we're at, because I am starting a course of DBT with group and individually. So, I think this openendedness, ironically, is making it even more difficult for me to get over this because in my head, there's still a chance, and all the pressure and weight is on me since our chance is relying on my "getting better."