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So I've basically ruined my life (Very long!)

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So I've basically ruined my life (Very long!)

Postby ajcw » Mon Sep 26, 2011 6:55 pm

I'm not motivated to write in detail so I'll put this in bullet form... my story both depresses and exhausts me but I seriously need to know that im not alone or that i didnt ###$ up as badly as I thought.

My bpd was diagnosed two months ago.

from the beginning:
Parents split after I was born, father is an alcoholic sand is extremely insecure however has managed to start a family successfully with someone else and I have 3 half siblings now , mother is critical and despite her own critical upbringing has made a really good attempt at being an emotionally supportive mother (I really do appreciate her trying) but we have a very distant and formal relationship.

My childhood can basically be summed up as such:

- I resent my siblings (I know its because they have a family and I am jealous of this)
- I resent my father
- I resent my mother
- Feared death and abandonment (anxiety attacks)
- was a social outcast
- was bullied for being shy and introverted.

This is where I start screwing up my life:

-throughout highschool I was an overachiever who was in as many extracurricular activities as possible, however my grades never rose above being "above average"
- I had 3 close friends with whom i spent the majority of my time with. I was closest to one of them who I eventually figured out that I resented deeply for always being more successful and liked than I was
- I frequently fought with my friends and accused them of abandoning me
- Yet they always stuck by me (extreme guilt)
- after graduating high school I started dating my prom date (and crush of two years) and I've been dating him since then ( 4 years now).

SO the current situation;
- started drifting from my 3 close friends, fought with best friend and haven't and angrily cut her out of my life over a year ago. Still resent her and whereas I came to terms with the fact that I was wrong in the argument, I still want her to be miserable and unhappy and feel a horrible sting everytime I'm reminded of her. (I apologized recently and she never called me back)
- my boyfriend endured 3 and a half years of mood swings, violent outbursts, impulsive breakups and arguments and violence from me while never leaving me and always remaining faithful to me
-two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend to 'find myself' then two weeks later, after spending everyday with my coworker, spending everyday binge drinking, had sex with him while continuing to have sex with my ex who was calling me everyday crying hysterically asking me to come back to him.
- My ex found a conversation between me and this guy a week or two after we had sex and I confessed to the whole thing. At this point,usually level headed and very stable, I was actually fearful that my ex was going to kill himself or me.
- I ruined all the trust we had between us and I basically put him through a month of hell only to conclude with the news that I had done the worst thing he could have feared.
- he told me a few days later that he was ready to move on with his life and I freaked out and told him i couldnt live the rest of my life with him.


Meanwhile I am in therapy but refusing to take medication as I am afraid of the side effects.
I feel EXTREME guilt about the whole thing.
to top it all off I cant stop thinking about the other guy as our relationship was extremely intense and I have a feeling he fell for me a little. (did I mention this guy was also ENGAGED?)
I feel like a huge slut, i feel really bad for what I did to my boyfriend.


needless to say I am going through a $#%^ time emotionally... can anyone lend me some advice or does anyone relate to what has happened in my life? Has anyone overcome something like this?

Should I tell my boyfriend the details of my affiar? I feel bad for keeping a secret but I'm scared he'll leave me now..and/ or hate me

I know I'm probably sounding really selfish

sorry its so long... I cant deal with this and therapy is not helping me at all
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Re: So I've basically ruined my life (Very long!)

Postby mooshoo » Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:36 am

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to gain insight and support for BPD. I wish that I could offer you so comfort or wisdom right now, but the only thing that really comes to mind at present is to ask you what benefit do you think that it would provide to your boyfriend to "come clean" about how many times you were with the other guy? Is it to make you feel better, or to help him? I think that piece of information would only serve to hurt him even more. I would really give it some serious thought before you do that. I think that it is good that you came on here to seek advice.

Meds aren't always a bad thing. I was recommend reading up on meds and BPD and getting feedback from people on this forum and their experience with meds.

Take care of yourself and try to find some peace tonight.
I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live. I could not live in any of the worlds offered to me —
I had to create a world of my own, like a climate, a country, an atmosphere in which I could breathe, reign, and recreate myself when destroyed by living.

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Re: So I've basically ruined my life (Very long!)

Postby katana » Tue Sep 27, 2011 1:00 am

I don't know so much - if i am in a relationship with a person i'd rather know the honest truth even if it isn't what i want to hear... i remember when i was with my ex i didn't care what he did, and didn't want to know, but i didn't really love him. If you aren't planning on making a go of things, obviously no, there is no reason to hurt him more than necessary, but personally, i think if you want there to be any future between you only honesty can make it a genuine future.
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Re: So I've basically ruined my life (Very long!)

Postby ajcw » Tue Sep 27, 2011 1:28 am

Thats the exact debate that I'm having with myself, is it selfish of me to want to get it off my chest? what benefit would that have? Would his opinion of me change? yes probably, he would likely think that im a terrible person for lieing to his face everytime he asks me to reassure him that it was only the one time, he will probably think im some huge whore... I dont know if the fact that i did it more than once matters after I already confessed to having done it at all. I dont want to hurt him, but i dont want him to think of me as more innocent than I actually am, in a way I feel like im taking advantage of his trust again... this is supremely confusing but I'd rather not hurt him more than he's already been hurt. I love him genuinely and he loves me genuinely but I dont know if I am being a completely dishonest and bad person for not telling him... its so conflicting, but anyway this is all part of a large chain of bad choices that I've made.

Thank you for the advice
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Re: So I've basically ruined my life (Very long!)

Postby katana » Tue Sep 27, 2011 2:35 am

choices can be hard... but its not about being a bad person or a good person, its about doing the right thing... which i know can also be tricky.

But put it this way. If you tell him, it might hurt you both at the time, but hopefully you can move on from that hurt and conflict, and use the intimacy you have gained with each other, and while you will have lost some trust in some places, you will also have some trust you have proven by telling the truth, and you will be able to go on with a clear conscience in the sense you are not lying to him any more?

But if you lie, then you will just end up being dragged down by guilt, and feel more $#%^ about yourself than you already do, which will have an impact on both you and your relationship, and keep a barrier of dishonesty between you.

if you eventualy find you can't do anything else except come clean, maybe years down the line, your own feelings might have made the level of intimacy you have suffer, and telling him you have lied to him then, is going to be ten times worse.

I think that's what they mean when they say lies destroy relationships from the inside out, make them go rotten, or something like that.
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