The borderline 'look'

The borderline look is very real. Here's a short story: I was really drunk at a party and talking to a few people. We were joking around talking $#%^ to each other and saying the wittiest, meanest things we could think of. That's when I saw this look in the eyes of one of the girls there, and I sort of called her out on it. She let her guard down and we looked in each other's eyes like we knew each other were exactly the same. It was like looking into a mirror, honestly it was incredible. We both knew we had that look in common, even though I had never before been consciously aware of it.

The look is that borderlines are constantly observing their surroundings, and particularly other people and reading people. Some of you may not be aware of it yet, but you wear a "mask" of sorts, and constantly cover up the real emotions in your face. Always. When you let your guard down and show what I would describe as the "real" you, then others can see that look in your eyes. They know that you are reading them and it feels like you're seeing through them and can understand them just by seeing them. I've learned to control it. And actually I didn't even know what it was until the night of that incident, the girl was surprised I didn't know and told me it was borderline, which I had already suspected a little, I just didn't want to face it. I've just recently learned these things about myself, within the past year. The fact is every single borderline has the look. So much so that if you see it on someone else in person, you'll know that they are borderline.

ajr8 wrote:but the only one with intimidating eyes was my confirmed borderline ex.

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Remember Tilda Swinton pissssed off in "The Chronicles of Narnia", if you ever get that look, you better run for your life.

valcnu wrote:I've learned to control it.

Please to be explaining how

Anais wrote:

valcnu wrote:I've learned to control it.

Please to be explaining how

Well, what happened is that after that night I more or less blocked it out of my memory for a year and things slowly came back to me. Finally, everything did. Basically, after that girl and I had both acknowledged it and talked about it a little, we went back to talking s*** to each other. We'd say something really mean and witty using the fake face, then show the real look in our eyes and say something else. So with my fake face I said, "hm let me guess what you're going to order. Oh, I don't know, maybe a cosmo-f'ing-politan?" Then I lowered my defenses and showed that look in my eye and said "how f'ing original." Once you become consciously aware of it you can get some control over it. It took me talking to another borderline who had already figured it out to do so myself, but that's the best that I can explain it. It's actually very easy for me to control now. And I would say that I know myself much better, knowing that I do this, and it actually feels like a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders - by acknowledging who I really am. I've never enjoyed talking to someone as much as that - borderlines just get each other. I've never met another one, but I would like to. We can both show each other how deceptive we can be, it's pretty entertaining from a certain perspective.

Okay I see, very intriguing. Thank you for describing your experience!

valcnu wrote:The fact is every single borderline has the look. So much so that if you see it on someone else in person, you'll know that they are borderline.

Okay but yet,

valcnu wrote:I've never enjoyed talking to someone as much as that - borderlines just get each other. I've never met another one, but I would like to.

So you've based your entire theory on ONE interaction with a person you can only guess to be a borderline?

I've seen the "what are you doing" look.

and I've seen the "look right through you" look.

My wife suffers BPD. People with BPD often have difficulty regulating anger/emotions. The "look" everyone is eluding to likely varies from person to person. My wife...she doesn't look like my wife. Her "look" is intense. It is like a transformation from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. She has various triggers, but when it happens it is instant and intense.

graveflower wrote:

valcnu wrote:The fact is every single borderline has the look. So much so that if you see it on someone else in person, you'll know that they are borderline.

Okay but yet,

valcnu wrote:I've never enjoyed talking to someone as much as that - borderlines just get each other. I've never met another one, but I would like to.

So you've based your entire theory on ONE interaction with a person you can only guess to be a borderline?

Agreed. This sounds like BS. I've met other people with BPD in therapy and while we relate, we don't share "a look". This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Yes, based on one interaction. She was diagnosed as borderline and once this happened, I knew I had to have the same thing and so did she. Since there are other skeptical comments, I’ll write basically how the conversation went.

We were talking $#%^ to each other and she calls someone a “Filipino p***y” when I see that look in her eye.
Me: Let me ask you something. Does anyone else, you know, besides the two of us – does anyone else know how completely full of $#%^ you are?
Her: What the f*** are you talking about?
Me: You know exactly what I’m talking about. This little f’ing charade of yours, does anyone actually buy it?
Her: Yeah that’s a totally normal thing to say. You don’t even f’ing know me.
Me: Haha this is completely f’ing fake, we both know it.
Her: You don’t know anything about me.
Me: Oh, you think I don’t know you?
Her: Uh no.
Me: Okay, try this one on for size. (Me imitating her) Hey everyone, it’s me, [name]! I push people away and don’t let anyone get close to me because I’m afraid that if I did, I might get attached, and then, just like everyone else I ever trusted, (then I showed my real eyes) and should’ve been able to f’ing trust, they’ll just completely f’ing abandon me. Sound familiar?
Her: (Furious) Why the f*** would you say that?
Me: Is it true?
Her: Tell me why you said it.
Me: It’s written all over you. Am I right?
Her: How do you know?
Me: Because I’m the guy version of you.
*She then immediately let down her guard and showed me her real eyes. The real her. With all of the intensity that you would expect. I didn’t know what it was yet, I just knew she had been fake for the last 20 minutes and that these eyes were the real her, she was showing me who she really was.*
Me: Oh my god…I was right about you.
Her: It’s like looking into a f’ing mirror.
Me: Yeah I know, holy s***. Haha so I was right about you after all, that pretty little blonde girl thing was all bulls***.
Her: Me? *Puts fake eyes back on.* What do you mean? I’m just a nice little blonde girl from manhattan beach. *She then let her guard down to show me her real eyes and we both started laughing*. What about you? So your pretty boy look is all fake too?
Me: Yep. So does anyone else know about this?
Her: No, just you. Not even my parents. You’re the only person who really knows who I am.
Me: Yeah, I feel the same way about you…wow. So what is this anyway?
Her: Are you serious? It’s borderline.
Me: That’s what I thought. I think I just didn’t want to accept it.
Her: It’s who you are, get the f*** over it. So should we re-introduce ourselves?

We then introduced ourselves again to each other while showing our real eyes. We started talking in-depth about it and what made us have it. We were so good at reading each other that we started guessing things that were extremely accurate. First, the fact that I had even guessed she’d been abandoned and had trust issues just based on that look in her eye (I’ve always been very, very good at reading people). We guessed what our parents were like, whether we had siblings, what music we liked, etc. and we were right about everything. Both of us. I think it helped to read each other in that situation because we were the same age, from very, very similar and unique backgrounds, and were just on the same page about things. Listened to the same music, felt the same way about people and life in general, etc. Pretty amazing. But that is essentially how I found out that I have borderline. I saw a look that I had never seen in anyone else, and I recognized it in myself and knew we were the same. I forced her to admit it and then we discussed the whole thing. I have since been diagnosed, for what it’s worth. And I suppose not all borderlines have extremely good interpersonal sensitivity, but because she and I both did, that’s probably what allowed us to really connect – a borderline without the uncanny ability to fill out most of a person’s biography based on 20 seconds of conversation is just someone with deep attachment issues. The IPS aspect is, to me, what makes this condition into something I consider a gift.