I've never told anyone this but, the real reason why I enjoy watching reality shows is to see what "normal" social interaction is. What do normal people do when they get in an argument? Do they forgive? How long? What questions do people ask when meeting someone new? How much do normal people reveal themselves? What do appropriate boundaries and anger look like? Etc...i know that no one is "normal" but I'm talking about simple social skills here. Like ones that everyone regardless of if they're, racist, ignorant, unintelligent, have. It's sort of pathetic, I know.
I think about if I was ever contestant on the Real World and how that experience could possibly be hell on earth for me. Stuck having to bond with 6 other strangers without TV, radio, cellphones, or any distractions. They all get in fights every week and forget about it the next day it seems. I would never be able to heal after a fight with anyone. My intention isn't to hold grudges, it's just my mind literally won't let me forget words that have been said. I'd be curled up in a ball in the confessional for a whole day if someone was mean to me even if I believed they were in the wrong. I'd enjoy seeing a reality show with only BPD's living in a house. I think it'd give me a good perspective on myself.
I feel so hopeless. I'm starting to feel like having BPD is similar to being slightly autistic or having Asperberger's because forming bonds is completely foreign and feel so awkward to me. So many people in my life have told me "Making friends is easy! Just do it, it's not that hard!." Literally, multiple people have told me those exact words. This statement always made me feel hopeful: "maybe I'm not trying hard enough; maybe I'm just lazy"-- or totally alienated: "Is this something that comes that easily to most? Maybe I'm more handicapped than I think."
Idk, there just really seems like there is no hope. I've always since I can remember been the kid who makes abusive friends, is most comfortable without boundaries in relationships, and had been accepted as "normal" in society yet kept at a distance it seems. Like, no one has ever come out and directly commented on my lack of social skills (maybe it's not apparent?) but I've gotten many non-verbal cues and been subtly alienated.
I just don't feel it will ever happen.