I'd like to thank you all SO MUCH!!!!! You guys are the only reason I was able to get through last night and even be sitting here this morning without breaking down. Somehow, I slept through the night. I felt instant panic this morning but I read your responses and it calmed me. I don't know why..but I blame myself for a lot of the uncontrollable things that happen in my life. My fiance is constantly reminding me that my mom's drinking is in no way my fault and anything that happens as a result of her drinking, is not my fault either.
Squeekerz wrote:I'm posting something short just in case you're waiting to see a response. I'll actually respond my next post.
Thank you, that was real sweet of you to post before you actually posted.
That sounds like a really hard situation. I understand that you feel betrayed right now. He went against the image and impression you had of him, and he knew how much things like that upset you. No, it wasn't a personal attack, and he wasn't doing it to intentionally hurt you, but that obviously won't stop the hurt you feel. People do things spontaneously just for the heck of it, and when that happens they aren't thinking about how it may hurt someone else. Try and calm down a bit. Don't feel bad for being upset, but try to see it not as a personal attack. He probably felt an old urge to do it, you know? It's hard to resist temptation when it is right there in your face.
I wouldn't really start questioning him about if he'd been lying this whole time though. It definitely could've been his first time smoking again, and his last. Jobs drug test and he obviously doesn't want to get caught with that in his system.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could say something more helpful.
I DO take it as a personal attack and that's the problem. I feel like "HOW DARE YOU STAB ME IN THE BACK LIKE THAT!!!" After all of these years of thinking that way, I'm finally becoming aware that all of the things people do that I don't like.. is not a personal attack on me. I constantly need to remind myself this. It's really so difficult to break that pattern of thinking when I've done it for so long. Honey, you really did help. I read your response when I awoke last night at 3am and it helped me fall back asleep. Thanks so much!
Wow, that sounds like an intense environment to be in. It's perfectly understandable why you feel anxious and terrified. However, regarding your friend, I know you're upset that he didn't stop smoking when you confronted him and perhaps you feel betrayed but I think for your own piece of mind you should consider that you may be overreacting. Yes, he was extremely insensitive in his handling of the situation, but it is his decision. You must not take it personally no matter what feelings of abandonment it may have stirred. Again, I'm not saying that he behaved correctly, but it seems you may be intensifying this disappointment in him as is common with BPD. We feel things so much more. Also, being in such a stressful household is sure to aggravate you more and keep you on edge.
I will say that in my experience with drugs and alcohol, marijuana has been the least problematic. I live in California so I know many people who are loving, functional, and happy that smoke daily. I don't know if you've ever tried it but, all it essentially does is relax and increase appetite. Oh, and it can give people a case of the giggles. Overall it's a harmless drug but, I'm curious; why do you hate is so much? Is it because you have a bad relationship with your father to which you associate the drug?
Comparatively, alcohol does seem to bring out the worst in some people and especially when abused. It intensifies anger and sadness committing people to hurt those they love and themselves. My grandfather was an alcoholic and I hear from my father all the time how horrible he was growing up. I'm so sorry you have to see your mother go through all this, really. She should be protecting and comforting you, but instead she's hurting you and violating your trust.
This is just a sneaking suspicion, but perhaps all this anger and betrayal you feel is actually for your mother and not so much your friend? Maybe you, understandably, feel it's futile to argue with her once again about her drinking and instead project it onto your friend who you seem to trust?
I understand you are hurt, but don't harm yourself. You'll have to deal with this pain at some point and hurting yourself will only delay that healing. Just remember that all of the pain you want to inflict on yourself should be given to your mother or who else in your family that as hurt you. It is the anger you desperately want your mother to understand. It is okay to be angry with your mother; you have every right to be. However, if your friend is as a good a friend as you say he is, just give him a break. He's merely human and will come around.
I think that speaking to your fiancee is the best option. If he's been sober five years I'm sure it won't trigger him. Plus, you have to think of yourself for a moment. You are in pain! You need and deserve support from those who care about you. Let him care about you, I know he wants to! This is A LOT for someone to deal with by themselves so just tell your fiancee to stay on the phone with you or maybe come be with you for a bit. Hopefully, in understanding your anger you can self-soothe a bit.
What helps me when I get emotionally overwhelmed is to take a deep breath, stop, and think about how big the world is and how small my problems are in regards to the universe. I just think about how many people over the millions of years that humanity has existed have felt anguish for one reason or another. I remember that pain is a part of life and being human rather than the end of happiness. It's hard especially with BPD because pain feels like it will never end and the we'll never see the horizon illuminated again but, just remember: "this too shall pass." (I'm not religious and I'm not sure if you are but, there are some wise quotes in the Bible. It has a good message overall)
Hope that helped
Yea I spend a good majority of my life being anxious and terrified. Sometimes the fear comes out as rage. He did stop smoking. It was only a "puff".. I guess that's what you'd call it? I don't know much about drugs or anything. He took a puff and I ran into the other room to stop myself from hitting him (yes, completely wrong.. I know) and then he walked in my direction and I told him I wanted to speak with him. I don't know if he had any more because I went to bed shortly after because I couldn't stay around people. I needed to get away.
YES! I'm ALWAYS on edge when I'm at home. It did trigger a feeling of abandonment. My immediate reaction was to think he's been doing this all along and hiding it and lying about it..therefor, making a fool out of me. My other reaction was to think he'd do this all day and night every single day from now on. As I just wrote that.. I realized that's pretty black & white and I'm like that, not him so I guess that's incorrect.
I've never tried it. I do think alcohol is worse but at the same time ( I've never tried drinking either).. it bothers me because it's illegal. I hate it for a few reasons. One, my Dad has a lot of anger issues and mood swings. I have heard that smoking marijuana over a long amount of time leads to severe anger management issues and I believe it may be the cause of his behavior. Another reason I hate it.. is because it ruined my fiance's life for a good 2 years. I know it was his own fault for doing it in the first place but it triggers bad memories in me. People say you don't get addicted to it but I beg to differ.. I KNOW my fiance was addicted to it, mental addiction most likely.
I'd say your suspicion is at least partially correct. I was very upset with my mother last night but didn't bother saying anything, as I know it's useless. So yea, I'm sure I projected it on to him somewhat. I can't handle having another person like her in my life. I can't deal with being someone else's babysitter. Ya know? I was also mad because I trust him. He never promised me he wouldn't smoke but for some reason I feel he betrayed my trust. When I confronted him about it I was POSITIVE he'd lie right to my face and tell me I was seeing things. I was shocked when he didn't. I suppose I'm so used to my Mom always lying that I assumed he would as well.
I wish my Mom would understand what she does to me. Either she doesn't understand or she just doesn't care. I'm not sure what it is. I do know that when she was drunk.. she's told me she didn't care about me and that she wasn't sorry for anything she ever did to me. Sure, she was drunk when she said it. But I remember that everyday and it hurts so incredibly bad. I even talked to her about it when she was sober and in a good mood and she simply said "I don't remember saying that. Sorry!" and then proceeded to totally change the subject.
I brought it up again and she said the same thing.
She never ever listens to my feelings. She either ignores me or dismisses them completely.
Thank you very much for your response!!
isoko49 wrote:Hi Lilycat - I'm sorry I'm only just getting to this now - it's morning here now.
I hope you've managed to bring yourself down from your emotional spike without hurting yourself physically. I know this feels like a huge betrayal by your friend but that is the BPD talking. It's "normal" to feel a bit hurt by something like that - but it's not a major crisis. However, it has triggered a massive spike in your emotions (easiest way to picture it, I find) because you're feeling hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned......all those things and more. But you need to step back from the situation and look at it objectively.
You accept your Dad smokes weed (sorry, can't even start to spell marij.....whatever!)
Your friend is another person who chose to smoke weed on this one occassion.
Your friend has said this is likely a one-off occassion.
Your boyfriend used to take drugs.
These are all facts - but with all the emotions and judgements taken out. If you look at those facts, it is not actually so big a deal that your friend smoked with your dad once. give your emotions time to get back under control - and keep stating the facts to yourself to help.
As has been suggested, your biggest problem is your mother. Because she has become unreliable because of drinking, I suspect you secretly fear that other people will start becoming unreliable because of drugs. It's an understandable fear - but it is a fear, NOT a fact.
Sorry I have to dash off but I've got to head for DBT. x
Hi isoko! That's okay. I do appreciate it so very much!
I did manage to keep it under control and not self harm. I'd be lying if I said the thought wasn't still lingering in my head. I won't be alone for the rest of the say so I won't be able to self harm even if I wanted to.
YES! That's exactly what I'm afraid of. She's out of control and lies to my face all the time. I don't want another person (especially someone I trust and I'm so close to) to do this to me. I guess you're right, it isn't a fact so I need to stop thinking this will happen because it hasn't happened. He doesn't even have money to buy the drugs because he's unemployed and owes a ton of money to creditors. I still get worried though. When I'm worried my logic goes down the crapper.
I hope your DBT went well!!
Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry. It sounds like your family is very dysfunctional and that you are having to be a parent to your own parents, which is so unfair and such a burden on you...no wonder you're upset. Forgive me if I'm getting too personal here, but I think your parents (esp. your mother) should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Not just for the way they're behaving right now, but for the way I suspect they have always behaved--without giving you the support and nurturance and guidance you needed (as any child does). It seems to me that you are FAR more mature than the "adults" around you.
But please don't take this out on yourself. Please try to resist the urge to SI, altho I realize that isn't easy. You have done NOTHING WRONG, so why punish yourself?? Instead I hope you will find some way to be GOOD to yourself, as you deserve.
Talk to your fiance. He can deal with it. I think you've spent so many years taking care of other people that you've never learned to allow others to take care of YOU. I'm sure your fiance loves you very much and very much would love to take care of you, to offer you strength and comfort and support. That's what love is all about!!
And you do sound like a totally lovable person. I'm just so sad that you haven't had the support and love you so richly deserve. I don't think your dad's friend meant to "betray" you, altho I know it feels that way now. He's being irresponsible and thoughtless, yes...but I don't think he's trying
to make you feel bad, or to let you down. Altho I am extremely tempted to say, "SHAME ON HIM!!" And on your parents too. It's high time they grew up and took some responsibility for themselves instead of dumping it all on you.
But we can't change any of that overnite. Right now the important thing is to keep you safe and for you to find some way of finding comfort for yourself. Those razors are not the answer, sweetheart. Call your fiance. Call your therapist (if you have one). Even go to the hospital if you truly do not feel safe right now.
I too have BPD, and I know how hard it is. My heart goes out to you. You deserve so much better than this, you are a good and valuable and lovable person who MATTERS.
And wildernessrealm is right. This storm WILL PASS, even tho it doesn't feel that way just now. I promise you that!!!
Sending you lots of warm hugs, and wishing I could be there to deliver them in person!
Pond, thank you very much for this post. You were so kind and I actually smiled and felt loved when reading your reply!
Exactly! I've never felt like the child. Always the adult. Which is why I resort to such child-like things now. My Dad drinks and does the marijuana but he's never acted in a way that I was ashamed of while he was doing either of those things. It's like.. he does it but he knows his limits I guess? I am HORRIBLY ashamed of my mother. She's embarrassed me so many times when we've had friends over. Falling down in front of them, injuring herself, puking everywhere, fighting with me or my Dad, talking uncontrollably, and saying things that make no sense. Oh and she's also fallen asleep standing up.
She's not ashamed of herself at all and I cannot understand why. If I ever behaved that way, I'd probably spend a year in my house and never leave. Yep! All I got was money and gifts to shut me up. It worked.. for like and hour and then I'd just get sad again. During the day my Mom is great.. she's nice, she cooks, she cleans and functions like a normal person. It confuses my feelings like crazy. It's hard to be mean to her when she's being so nice. But then, I still have the feelings from the night before so I'm at a loss.
You're right! I haven't done anything. I just get all of these doubts like... if I wasn't out with my fiance.. then I could've been home and prevented her from drinking. He's told me many times that it isn't my job to do that and it's insane to think I need to be responsible for her. Last night I kept telling him, if she drives and gets hurt then it's my fault for not stopping her. He told me to go to bed and stay out of that mess because it's between her and my dad and I'm just the innocent person stuck in between. But damn, it's difficult to not think that way. I haven't self harmed in about 1-2 months and I'm trying to keep that up.
Yea, my Mom took care of my when I was.. but it was emotionally empty sort of. Like.. I never really felt that loving feeling. I sure never felt it from my Dad either. When I got older I realized my life was pretty strange compared to others and that I was always the adult. Then, I met my fiance and we were friends. He got addicted to drugs and I started dating him. I knew I could help get him off of the drugs and I was right. So at that point.. it was always me taking care of him. Now I'd say it's mutual..we take care of each other. I'm so sick of having to watch my mom all of the time. I can't even get up to use the restroom without her sneaking a drink..so I just sit there and hold it in. I rather make myself suffer than have to deal with her getting drunk.
I guess this all will pass with my friend. I'm going to go into a panic the next time he's at my house (most likely this weekend) because I'm going to be afraid he'll do it again. Had he not been very drunk, I don't think he would have used those drugs. It seemed pretty out of character.
Again, thank you so much. xoxo!