Squeekerz wrote:I'm posting something short just in case you're waiting to see a response. I'll actually respond my next post.
Squeekerz wrote:That sounds like a really hard situation. I understand that you feel betrayed right now. He went against the image and impression you had of him, and he knew how much things like that upset you. No, it wasn't a personal attack, and he wasn't doing it to intentionally hurt you, but that obviously won't stop the hurt you feel. People do things spontaneously just for the heck of it, and when that happens they aren't thinking about how it may hurt someone else. Try and calm down a bit. Don't feel bad for being upset, but try to see it not as a personal attack. He probably felt an old urge to do it, you know? It's hard to resist temptation when it is right there in your face. I wouldn't really start questioning him about if he'd been lying this whole time though. It definitely could've been his first time smoking again, and his last. Jobs drug test and he obviously doesn't want to get caught with that in his system.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could say something more helpful.
wildernessrealm wrote:Wow, that sounds like an intense environment to be in. It's perfectly understandable why you feel anxious and terrified. However, regarding your friend, I know you're upset that he didn't stop smoking when you confronted him and perhaps you feel betrayed but I think for your own piece of mind you should consider that you may be overreacting. Yes, he was extremely insensitive in his handling of the situation, but it is his decision. You must not take it personally no matter what feelings of abandonment it may have stirred. Again, I'm not saying that he behaved correctly, but it seems you may be intensifying this disappointment in him as is common with BPD. We feel things so much more. Also, being in such a stressful household is sure to aggravate you more and keep you on edge.
I will say that in my experience with drugs and alcohol, marijuana has been the least problematic. I live in California so I know many people who are loving, functional, and happy that smoke daily. I don't know if you've ever tried it but, all it essentially does is relax and increase appetite. Oh, and it can give people a case of the giggles. Overall it's a harmless drug but, I'm curious; why do you hate is so much? Is it because you have a bad relationship with your father to which you associate the drug?
Comparatively, alcohol does seem to bring out the worst in some people and especially when abused. It intensifies anger and sadness committing people to hurt those they love and themselves. My grandfather was an alcoholic and I hear from my father all the time how horrible he was growing up. I'm so sorry you have to see your mother go through all this, really. She should be protecting and comforting you, but instead she's hurting you and violating your trust.
This is just a sneaking suspicion, but perhaps all this anger and betrayal you feel is actually for your mother and not so much your friend? Maybe you, understandably, feel it's futile to argue with her once again about her drinking and instead project it onto your friend who you seem to trust?
I understand you are hurt, but don't harm yourself. You'll have to deal with this pain at some point and hurting yourself will only delay that healing. Just remember that all of the pain you want to inflict on yourself should be given to your mother or who else in your family that as hurt you. It is the anger you desperately want your mother to understand. It is okay to be angry with your mother; you have every right to be. However, if your friend is as a good a friend as you say he is, just give him a break. He's merely human and will come around.
I think that speaking to your fiancee is the best option. If he's been sober five years I'm sure it won't trigger him. Plus, you have to think of yourself for a moment. You are in pain! You need and deserve support from those who care about you. Let him care about you, I know he wants to! This is A LOT for someone to deal with by themselves so just tell your fiancee to stay on the phone with you or maybe come be with you for a bit. Hopefully, in understanding your anger you can self-soothe a bit.
What helps me when I get emotionally overwhelmed is to take a deep breath, stop, and think about how big the world is and how small my problems are in regards to the universe. I just think about how many people over the millions of years that humanity has existed have felt anguish for one reason or another. I remember that pain is a part of life and being human rather than the end of happiness. It's hard especially with BPD because pain feels like it will never end and the we'll never see the horizon illuminated again but, just remember: "this too shall pass." (I'm not religious and I'm not sure if you are but, there are some wise quotes in the Bible. It has a good message overall)
Hope that helped
isoko49 wrote:Hi Lilycat - I'm sorry I'm only just getting to this now - it's morning here now.
I hope you've managed to bring yourself down from your emotional spike without hurting yourself physically. I know this feels like a huge betrayal by your friend but that is the BPD talking. It's "normal" to feel a bit hurt by something like that - but it's not a major crisis. However, it has triggered a massive spike in your emotions (easiest way to picture it, I find) because you're feeling hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned......all those things and more. But you need to step back from the situation and look at it objectively.
You accept your Dad smokes weed (sorry, can't even start to spell marij.....whatever!)
Your friend is another person who chose to smoke weed on this one occassion.
Your friend has said this is likely a one-off occassion.
Your boyfriend used to take drugs.
These are all facts - but with all the emotions and judgements taken out. If you look at those facts, it is not actually so big a deal that your friend smoked with your dad once. give your emotions time to get back under control - and keep stating the facts to yourself to help.
As has been suggested, your biggest problem is your mother. Because she has become unreliable because of drinking, I suspect you secretly fear that other people will start becoming unreliable because of drugs. It's an understandable fear - but it is a fear, NOT a fact.
Sorry I have to dash off but I've got to head for DBT. x
Pondscum wrote:Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry. It sounds like your family is very dysfunctional and that you are having to be a parent to your own parents, which is so unfair and such a burden on you...no wonder you're upset. Forgive me if I'm getting too personal here, but I think your parents (esp. your mother) should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Not just for the way they're behaving right now, but for the way I suspect they have always behaved--without giving you the support and nurturance and guidance you needed (as any child does). It seems to me that you are FAR more mature than the "adults" around you.
But please don't take this out on yourself. Please try to resist the urge to SI, altho I realize that isn't easy. You have done NOTHING WRONG, so why punish yourself?? Instead I hope you will find some way to be GOOD to yourself, as you deserve.
Talk to your fiance. He can deal with it. I think you've spent so many years taking care of other people that you've never learned to allow others to take care of YOU. I'm sure your fiance loves you very much and very much would love to take care of you, to offer you strength and comfort and support. That's what love is all about!!
And you do sound like a totally lovable person. I'm just so sad that you haven't had the support and love you so richly deserve. I don't think your dad's friend meant to "betray" you, altho I know it feels that way now. He's being irresponsible and thoughtless, yes...but I don't think he's trying to make you feel bad, or to let you down. Altho I am extremely tempted to say, "SHAME ON HIM!!" And on your parents too. It's high time they grew up and took some responsibility for themselves instead of dumping it all on you.
But we can't change any of that overnite. Right now the important thing is to keep you safe and for you to find some way of finding comfort for yourself. Those razors are not the answer, sweetheart. Call your fiance. Call your therapist (if you have one). Even go to the hospital if you truly do not feel safe right now.
I too have BPD, and I know how hard it is. My heart goes out to you. You deserve so much better than this, you are a good and valuable and lovable person who MATTERS.
And wildernessrealm is right. This storm WILL PASS, even tho it doesn't feel that way just now. I promise you that!!!
Sending you lots of warm hugs, and wishing I could be there to deliver them in person!
Squeekerz wrote:Hm.. that's a good question, to be honest. If it is really bothering you, I don't think the thoughts are just going to go away. You may end up pushing him away more if you don't say anything. The only thing I can think of that could help with this situation is to make sure you use "I feel" statements. "When you smoked last night, I felt really hurt" sounds a lot better than "When you smoked last night, you upset and hurt me," know what I mean? Just that small difference is enough to keep someone from jumping straight to being defensive.
... I'm awful with confrontation though.... I tend to just pretend things didn't happen just so I don't have to confront anyone about anything. :[ I am lucky enough to have a fiance that understands how anxious it makes me, and he listens when I actually DO confront him.