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Using people

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Using people

Postby Kaeuvian » Thu Apr 14, 2011 12:12 pm

So I recently became aware of how much I really use people. I mean, I knew I used people, I never really connected to them, won't talk to them unless I need something, but lately I've noticed that I pry information from people without them knowing and set "traps" (as I like to call them).

The prying information, I can't seem to control it. If my mind has a question, it will find its answer. It will find that missing puzzle piece. It hurts. I find out stuff like that my ex has already moved on (since confirmed), that people are lying to me etc. Most of the time I don't realise I'm doing. It stops me from forming bonds with people because I feel I'm always just looking for information.

The traps are kind of the opposite. I give people just enough information for them to think that what I've told them, they somehow "figured out" for themselves. Today for example, I hung out with a few mutual friends of my ex and I. I know that one of them will go back to my ex and tell her how well things seem to be going for me, but that I seem a wreck. I wanted her to think that things were going great so she would feel like s**t, I wanted her to know that I'm a wreck so she knew that she messed me up.

I feel like a very vengeful and manipulative person. I never knew I was :(
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Re: Using people

Postby buddhabuddy » Thu Apr 14, 2011 12:52 pm

Kaeuvian wrote:So I recently became aware of how much I really use people. I mean, I knew I used people, I never really connected to them, won't talk to them unless I need something, but lately I've noticed that I pry information from people without them knowing and set "traps" (as I like to call them).

This is a good thing to realize :)

It is going to be a painful process, but if you keep digging, you will start to notice the behaviors that lead up to this. When you become aware of these behaviors, you will have the choice to stop them.

The traps are kind of the opposite. I give people just enough information for them to think that what I've told them, they somehow "figured out" for themselves. Today for example, I hung out with a few mutual friends of my ex and I. I know that one of them will go back to my ex and tell her how well things seem to be going for me, but that I seem a wreck. I wanted her to think that things were going great so she would feel like s**t, I wanted her to know that I'm a wreck so she knew that she messed me up.

Why do you want her to feel like s**t?
How did she "mess you up"? My guess is that you have exhibited these behaviors and had BPD long before you met her. Focus on those things for the time being.

I feel like a very vengeful and manipulative person. I never knew I was :(

But now you've opened that door and can begin the process of change. Stick with it. :)

I'm very familiar with these "traps". I found out a LOT after my relationship was over. It was like a breadcrumb path leading back to the truth once I put my "BPD glasses" on.

In they end though, they don't work. I was completely oblivious to them when they were actually happening, and now that I know about them, I know not to put myself in a situation with her again. I've processed and accepted them and they all seem silly to me now. So much effort that could have been put towards building something instead...
"You don't give love to get love. You give love to become love. I don't know who wrote that but it's f'ing awesome" - Buddy Wakefield
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Re: Using people

Postby tranceponder » Thu Apr 14, 2011 12:58 pm

Hey Kaeuvian, I'd just like to say that I think you're on the right path by coming to these realizations about yourself :)
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Re: Using people

Postby Kaeuvian » Thu Apr 14, 2011 3:21 pm

Thanks for the replies

Why do you want her to feel like s**t?
How did she "mess you up"?


I guess because I suspect she cheated on me before ending the relationship. She moved on pretty quickly either way. We were engaged.

She's diagnosed bi-polar and what I believe to be borderline traits, so we really messed each other up in the relationship. Both using suicide to control a situation, both controlling each other to the point of insanity, both feeding one another's insecurities.
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Re: Using people

Postby buddhabuddy » Thu Apr 14, 2011 5:20 pm

Kaeuvian wrote:Thanks for the replies

Why do you want her to feel like s**t?
How did she "mess you up"?


I guess because I suspect she cheated on me before ending the relationship. She moved on pretty quickly either way. We were engaged.

Cheating was a really hard one for me to deal with. I'd never been cheated on before and had no reason whatsoever to believe that she was the type that cheated.

Something that I learned, and this was mostly through my reading up on Buddhism, is that that it is not my choice what actions others take. The cheating wasn't about me. It was a self-destructive choice.

In addition, pain is a feeling and an internal one at that.
If you are hurting, there is something within you that you can work out to stop that pain. In the case of a physical wound, it may take time, stitches or a cast. With emotional pain, it may require therapy or medications to control fluctuations until you are equipped with the tools to handle them.
Trying to hurt someone else is only a form of projection - you are projecting your own inner pain on to someone else. It is a vicious cycle and is very difficult to break.

She's diagnosed bi-polar and what I believe to be borderline traits, so we really messed each other up in the relationship. Both using suicide to control a situation, both controlling each other to the point of insanity, both feeding one another's insecurities.

Do you have borderline or bipolar yourself? Or are you what they would consider a "non"?
"You don't give love to get love. You give love to become love. I don't know who wrote that but it's f'ing awesome" - Buddy Wakefield
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Re: Using people

Postby nihilist_void » Fri Apr 15, 2011 2:08 am

I tend to do the same thing. And your situation sounds disturbingly similar to mine.
I used to have it out for a girl I met in rehab a couple years ago. Found out she used to prostitute herself for drugs. So we hung out for a while, and I eventually tried to get her to whore herself out again for my own benefit. I even built a website to try to pimp her out.
Also, I used to have this friend that was a total douchebag loser that had nothing going for him in life. So I got him to drop out of college so he could move with me to grow dope together and sell it cuz I couldnt find work either.
Another time, years and years ago, I flew one of my friends down from another state so he could live with me in a house where I grew weed commercially. Happened to get him into smoking crack cocaine. He eventually moved back home cuz we were both too deep into our addiction.

Do I feel bad about these things? In retrospect, I feel a level of remorse now that I look back on it. But my BPD makes me a complete sadist. If any of these people died over what I did or helped contribute to.... oh well. Life goes on.
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Re: Using people

Postby Kaeuvian » Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:18 pm

I was recently diagnosed Borderline. I'm happy to know what I'm dealing with, but mostly embarrassed by it now.

I too thought I had never been cheated on, but my ex put it into perspective when she asked me if I had been cheated on, then proceeded to point out a particular ex whom I refused to sleep with, and told me that she had probably cheated on me. This statement was out of character for her, coupled with the fact that she had kissed someone a week or two before leads me to believe she may have cheated on me. (She said the kiss was only an instant, but I've heard that story before!)

And to nihilist_void, I'm heading down a pretty bad path at the moment, and that may have been somewhat of a wake-up call. You're making me reconsider some of the choices I plan to make.


My mind is driving me insane right now. Since spending time with the mutual friends, I keep working new things out. I'll remember something one of them said and it will explain something I didn't want to know. Last thing I worked out was that she had gotten to one of them, and made me out to seem like the bad guy, and I don't think she wants him to come visit me at my new place. That last ones easy to test, but I don't really want to keep toying with people. Well, gun to my head, I really do, but I want to not want to. Gah confusing, but hopefully you get what I was saying :P

Edit: spelling
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