Kaeuvian wrote:So I recently became aware of how much I really use people. I mean, I knew I used people, I never really connected to them, won't talk to them unless I need something, but lately I've noticed that I pry information from people without them knowing and set "traps" (as I like to call them).
This is a good thing to realize
It is going to be a painful process, but if you keep digging, you will start to notice the behaviors that lead up to this. When you become aware of these behaviors, you will have the choice to stop them.
The traps are kind of the opposite. I give people just enough information for them to think that what I've told them, they somehow "figured out" for themselves. Today for example, I hung out with a few mutual friends of my ex and I. I know that one of them will go back to my ex and tell her how well things seem to be going for me, but that I seem a wreck. I wanted her to think that things were going great so she would feel like s**t, I wanted her to know that I'm a wreck so she knew that she messed me up.
Why do you want her to feel like s**t?
How did she "mess you up"? My guess is that you have exhibited these behaviors and had BPD long before you met her. Focus on those things for the time being.
I feel like a very vengeful and manipulative person. I never knew I was
But now you've opened that door and can begin the process of change. Stick with it.
I'm very familiar with these "traps". I found out a LOT after my relationship was over. It was like a breadcrumb path leading back to the truth once I put my "BPD glasses" on.
In they end though, they don't work. I was completely oblivious to them when they were actually happening, and now that I know about them, I know not to put myself in a situation with her again. I've processed and accepted them and they all seem silly to me now. So much effort that could have been put towards building something instead...
"You don't give love to get love. You give love to become love. I don't know who wrote that but it's f'ing awesome" - Buddy Wakefield