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Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

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Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

Postby Lilycat10 » Mon Mar 07, 2011 10:13 pm

Sorry this is long..I REALLY need to get this out!!! As I'm writing this.. I am FURIOUS & crying. I have no clue why my mother can't just leave me alone and be gracious to me. I'd like to point out.. she's a compulsive liar. Within the last year or so it's gotten much worse. I tried to confront her about it. All I got was defensiveness and complete denial. She could say something and 30 seconds later deny ever saying it. It's pretty bad. I tried talking to her nicely and all of that. Nothing worked. So after many attempts I let it go & learned to disregard it because it was all fights and no progress. I limited my contact with her and tried as much as I could to be polite (believe me, she doesn't make that easy.) I have a lot of built up anger towards her. She did many bad things to me when I was a young child and no, I don't forgive her. She still emotionally abuses me. I try to not let it effect me, but it does.

I can't tell her anything I do or where I go because she tends to make up stories and tell everyone things I supposedly said when I never did. I have A LOT of my own problems and I don't want to deal with her crap. But now she has really taken it too far. I made a lot of personal progress in the last few months. Learning to trust people better and letting small things go. As long as no one is horribly mean to me & I have no changes in my daily schedules.. I can cope decently.

When I was a teen.. I had no friends & a somewhat decent relationship with my Mom. Once in awhile I would find someone older than me that I could relate to. The minute I got close to anyone, my mother would steal them away from.(By the way, she is married to my Dad so it isn't like she's alone.) Become their best friend, suck up to them, steal all the attention and never include me. I realized it was intentional after her doing this several times. I had no problem with her being friends with anyone. I'm fine with us all being friends but she wasn't. She wanted anyone I was close to all to herself. If she had a chance to steal my fiance, she'd take him too. Fortunately, he would never allow her to.

My Mom likes to play this little game with me where she will wait until I'm almost out of hearing distance... She will then turn to whoever she had been talking to, bring up a subject that she KNOWS will upset me, and talks just loud enough for me to hear. This way, it will appear to the other person that she didn't mean for me to hear. She will then turn to me and look for a reaction. I used to get real upset over this, but I learned that she won't stop doing it unless I stop giving a reaction. She continued this game for around 3 months without getting any reaction from me whatsoever. So then she started playing a new game, giving me dirty looks whenever we were around other people. My first reaction was huh? What did I do? But then I came to the conclusion that she had stopped her other game and started this one. I learned it quick and didn't react. I didn't even glance at her anymore. Mind you, she never did this at home. At home, her focus was/still is gathering information about me that she can distort and tell everyone about. I can be somewhat civil with her until she starts prying too much. Then I shut down and stop speaking.

I've had 1 friend for many years(this friend is all I have other than my fiance). It's a constant struggle of my Mom trying to make them pay more attention to her. When it's all 3 of us... I let her have the attention. WHATEVER.. I'm not going to play that game. I sit quietly and talk politely to avoid any problems. Today she has decided to insist on hanging out with MY friend when she knew we already had plans. She somehow convinced them that they would hang out real quick and then she'd go home. I would like it if she didn't have to make them choose..her or me. Why can't we all be civil and hang out? I have no problem with doing that. She knows how devastating a schedule change is for me. It's once of my main triggers. Her old methods of mind games didn't work so now she's starting this. I want to scream. I have never done anything awful to her and I was a very very good child & teen. I can't understand what her obsession with causing me misery is. She fools everyone into thinking I'm the one to blame. She puts on a fake ass act in front of people and they never see the "real" person she is.

I have to spend all day with her tomorrow. I wish it was an option to not do so, but it's something I have no choice of (previously agreed to engagement). How can I have a good time knowing what misery she has caused me today? How can I be polite when I just want to scream and yell at her? I "ignore" as much as I can but everyone has a breaking point and mine is much weaker because of the years of abuse and BPD. Can anyone offer anything comforting? Can any of you relate? I am at a low point right now. I feel abandoned and hurt. :cry:
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Re: Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

Postby miss_understood » Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:20 am

WOW, lilycat... you certainly have your mother sussed and you have certainly learned how to deal with her! Well done you!!

I'm unsure as to whether it's YOU who has BPD or your mother? Sorry, I haven't read any of your other posts....

A few questions...

Do you have siblings, and if so, does she treat the other/s the same as she treats you?

Have you ever confronted her about her bizarre behaviour, and if not, why not?

What does your father think about her behaviour... ie, hanging around with youngsters?

Have you ever thought about distancing yourself from her as she certainly doesn't seem to be supporting you or treating you as a mother would treat her child?

WHY do you have to spend time with her tomorrow? Can't you make an excuse? Even 'previously agreed engagements' can be broken, and it may give her time to think about how she treat you today!

WOW - you're one brave lady. I'd have given up on her years ago if my mother treat me like this! :shock:

Best wishes to you. I hope someone more qualified can offer you some advice, VERY soon!! :)
“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.”

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Re: Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

Postby Lilycat10 » Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:53 am

miss_understood wrote:WOW, lilycat... you certainly have your mother sussed and you have certainly learned how to deal with her! Well done you!!

I'm unsure as to whether it's YOU who has BPD or your mother? Sorry, I haven't read any of your other posts....

A few questions...

Do you have siblings, and if so, does she treat the other/s the same as she treats you?

Have you ever confronted her about her bizarre behaviour, and if not, why not?

What does your father think about her behaviour... ie, hanging around with youngsters?

Have you ever thought about distancing yourself from her as she certainly doesn't seem to be supporting you or treating you as a mother would treat her child?

WHY do you have to spend time with her tomorrow? Can't you make an excuse? Even 'previously agreed engagements' can be broken, and it may give her time to think about how she treat you today!

WOW - you're one brave lady. I'd have given up on her years ago if my mother treat me like this! :shock:

Best wishes to you. I hope someone more qualified can offer you some advice, VERY soon!! :)


Thanks a lot hun. :) I don't have any siblings. She doesn't treat anyone else this way. She doesn't seem to have too good of a relationship with my Dad. They used to argue when I was young but not anymore. My Dad was unaware of what she was doing to me until a few months ago. She never acted that way in front of him. Most people don't believe me when I say she loves to see me miserable because she puts on an act in front of everyone. The people she hangs out with are about 15 years younger than her. So I do hang out with people much older than me because I relate better.

I've confronted her at least 100 times about all of these things that she does. Most of the time she will not respond and if she does I get " I'm not going to fight with you so we aren't having this conversation." I tell her I promise I don't want to fight and all I want to do is talk. But she refuses. The few times I've gotten her to talk, all she does is deny. She will not admit to anything at all. She tells me I'm crazy.

I do try to distance myself. I live at home still. My fiance & I are trying to save for a place to live. I'm rarely ever at home. I sometimes have lunch with her but even that has become too much. I continue to try and spend some time with her. She loves telling people how I never spend time with her which pisses me off because I try so hard and she ruins it.

Yea I think she has something wrong with her.. Maybe HPD. She doesn't believe in PD's. She thinks I'm just annoying and a whiner.

I can't cancel tomorrow because it was a promise I made to someone else so I don't want to let them down.
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Re: Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

Postby crimsonandclover » Tue Mar 08, 2011 3:34 am

Wow she sounds like my mom in a way
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Re: Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

Postby miss_understood » Tue Mar 08, 2011 10:38 am

Hi again,

The sooner you leave home, the better and then you can be in control of how much time, if any, you spend with her.

You will be able to up and go as soon as things start getting uncomfortable, which will then give her time to assess her treatment of you.

I really can't see any other answer to the situation, as you have tried to talk to her and you seem to be getting nowhere due to her refusal to admit she is being a cow to you.

My mother was much the same; only with me though (I have 5 siblings)... you can read about her treatment of me here....

post451715.html#p451715

I came a long way in resolving my issues with my mother before she died, but even now, I can't accept that she treat ME differently to the others. I am the third born and you know what they say about middle children. I think she desperately wanted a boy when she had me (she already had 2 girls) and she resented me for being a girl. she eventually had her 'precious boy' after having 5 girls!!

My mother was selfish and greedy.... other people thought she was wonderful and she praised us all highly when with others. But, to our faces, she could be extremely nasty. She was extremely beautiful when she was younger and she was the youngest of eleven children, so was spoilt rotten by her siblings. She was very jealous of what others had and I suspect only married my father because his parents had a very successful building business. She was gutted when, after they married, my father decided not to join the family business and spent her life resenting the luxurious lifestyle of her in-laws. She was very bitter, very vain and very greedy. She made my father suffer for his decision, even though he worked very hard at his chosen profession to provide for her and 6 children. For the last 15 years of her life, she never spoke to my father and made his life an utter misery. She was a huge drinker and smoked a lot, and hated the fact that her looks didn't last very long, which was sad really, as she was certainly a looker! :(

But anyway, I could go on and on about my 'dear' mother, but to get back to you, Lilycat.... I don't think your mother will change, unless she is prepared to accept responsibility for her treatment of you. I doubt she is going to do that, so the only way of going some way to resolve your issues, is to move out and for YOU to be in control of the time you spend with her.

Good luck. x x x
:)
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Re: Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

Postby Lilycat10 » Thu Mar 10, 2011 4:20 pm

The day that I spent with her actually went very well. When she's around my fiance she chills out a bit. Most likely because she probably thinks I tell him how she really is and wants to prove me wrong so he thinks I'm crazy. She did ruin my night though. I came home to her being drunk.. what a surprise. Couldn't remember a thing that happened during the day. I used to confront her about the drinking but it's no use. She lies and says she hasn't had anything to drink. I actually had to go into another room and cover my ears so I wouldn't have to listen to her loud, slurring drunk talk. It triggers my rage so I'm better off doing so. I then went to say good night and got accused of ruining everyone's fun. Mind you, I did nothing at all. I guess she thinks all of those times that I've stayed up until 6am making sure she didn't fall down drunk and crack her head open and die makes me no fun. Ok.. then I'll just be no fun..fine by me.

I read your post and I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm also sorry that she treated you that way. You didn't deserve it one bit and she missed out on having a great relationship with you. It's her loss, not yours.

Ahhh! Same with my mom. I'm almost positive she's only stayed married to get my father's money. I don't know why he doesn't see it. Maybe he doesn't care. Ugh I really don't know!
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Re: Sick of my mother sabotaging everything that makes me happy.

Postby miss_understood » Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:38 am

Lilycat10 wrote:The day that I spent with her actually went very well. When she's around my fiance she chills out a bit. Most likely because she probably thinks I tell him how she really is and wants to prove me wrong so he thinks I'm crazy. She did ruin my night though. I came home to her being drunk.. what a surprise. Couldn't remember a thing that happened during the day. I used to confront her about the drinking but it's no use. She lies and says she hasn't had anything to drink. I actually had to go into another room and cover my ears so I wouldn't have to listen to her loud, slurring drunk talk. It triggers my rage so I'm better off doing so. I then went to say good night and got accused of ruining everyone's fun. Mind you, I did nothing at all. I guess she thinks all of those times that I've stayed up until 6am making sure she didn't fall down drunk and crack her head open and die makes me no fun. Ok.. then I'll just be no fun..fine by me.

I read your post and I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm also sorry that she treated you that way. You didn't deserve it one bit and she missed out on having a great relationship with you. It's her loss, not yours.

Ahhh! Same with my mom. I'm almost positive she's only stayed married to get my father's money. I don't know why he doesn't see it. Maybe he doesn't care. Ugh I really don't know!


You've done so well in recognising your triggers and fighting them by avoiding situations.... so, next time - try NOT going to say ''goodnight''' to your mum. as you know she is only going to start on you again.

I wish you luck, Lilycat.... you have come a long way. You just need to get away from your mother now! :wink:
“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.”

Janet Long
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