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Borderlines and Picking Fights

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Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby goldengirl » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:50 am

Has anyone known Borderlines to pick fights? I finally completely ended a relationship with what my therapist believes was a BPD man. I am dealing with it pretty well - so much had happened that I was really distancing myself from the relationship. One of the things he did to me was pick fights and insult me a few times a day everyday. He admits that he has a trait of liking to get rises out of people. But everyday he would kind of mouth off to me like a little kid to his parents, pull my bra strap on my back, pull my shirt over my head, pull his pants down and press his bottom on my head while watching tv, put windex in my bathtub water...let's just stop and say the list is endless. If I stared straight ahead and ignored him he would say, "Oh you no gonna talk to me now? What a drama queen." If I got mad then he would get mad and say, "I'm so tired of always being wrong. Everything I do is wrong." If I really got mad then he would start yelling. I just couldn't win.

If this happened for several days and I finally hit a breaking point by blowing up, he would say, "I'm just so tired of fighting with you." I'd tell him, "Then you need to stop picking fights."

I have a lot of guilt and hurt over this...I felt like I just couldn't win no matter what I tried. I talked to him about it, I would emphasize that it needed to stop. Nothing worked. It really killed a lot of my feelings for him. I just didn't look forward to spending time with him...I couldn't allow myself to get happy or excited to see him because I knew he would do that...so it's like I was always on a low plane not feeling anything for spending time with him.

Is this a common BPD trait? Has anyone else ever seen this? Why would he do this?

My counselor suggested that he may just not feel well and was taking it out on me.
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Re: Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby AliceWonders » Sun Oct 31, 2010 5:38 am

Yes, I hate to say it but we DO tend to pick fights A LOT!
For me personally it seems to be more a matter of:
STAGES-
- maturity- Like when I was younger and very unsure of my feelings I would pick fights purly out of frustration and even bordom.
- hormones- During my period I'm often raving lunatic for no apparent reason, and I look anywhere for somewhere 'slightly valid' to vent my anger.
- seasonal influences- I also have seasonal affective disorder, so something as dumb and uncontrolable as a rainy or cold day can greatly effect my moods and sensitivity.

STRESSERS-
- relationships- something my 'guy' has done, or I may have thought he's done, which makes me very edgy and emotional, a veritable volcano, just waiting to explode. Trouble with family and friends that has been weighing on my mind, adding to my usual unpredictable volocity towards my loved ones.
- outside influences- work, school, something meanial that happened during the day like a parking ticket, or someone cut me off in traffic, an exchange of bad words with someone un important in my life, and things like that- LIFE essentially is a stresser in itself.

What you have to remember when dealing with people who have personality disorders is that our minds DON'T work the same way your does. We take things very personally- too personally, too often, and then we store it away as amunition for another unrelated explosion, later on.
I've given past examples on other posts on how this can be related to the person themselves. The storing of suspicions and the evolution of the poison, until it is leashed out in a venomous attack against someone we love. But, it doesn't always have to be that way! Sometimes it can quite simply have nothing to do with 'you' at all. Something has us irritated and we're not feeling in the best of moods and YOU become an unfortunate target for other 'STRESSERS' and bear our attack against the world in full force.

This is what happens when we 'pick fights' for no reason. When there's not that spark of 'ah HA- I KNEW IT!' to induce us to believing a prior self contrived suspicion. We just for no apparent reason, with out justification of any kind or provoking from your end, come in and pick a fight with YOU because we're upset by someone/something else in the world.

As much I hope the explanation of 'why we do it' makes some sense, I am fully aware that the FACT we do it makes no sense at all, and is COMPLETELY WRONG on our part! Which is why we are disordered, we are broken in our way of thinking and our path of directing anger and frustrations. We are Borderline, we are on the edge...

If he does this to you again, try not to take it personally and what ever you don't fight back- it just gives HIM an opportunity to continue venting his anger, which essentially all he wants to do in the first place. And if you wanna 'win' the fight- walk away.
I KID YOU NOT! By walking away you WIN the fight!!! He has nowhere to vent, no amunition to through back attacks against you, and believe me when I tell you that will make him madder than anything you could possibly say to him- HE'LL HATE IT & hopefully realize that fighting with you is no 'fun' and completely pointless.

My 2c
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth~Oscar Wilde

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together~Eugene Ionesco

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Re: Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby goldengirl » Sun Oct 31, 2010 4:46 pm

Like I said above, I already ended the relationship. It was pretty permanent for me. I just couldn't take any more of the drama. I did walk away and sometimes he would be screaming at me. He shook his head from side to side and said, "I'm just so tired of fighting with you." It was just crazy. None of it made any sense and it was always ALL my fault.

He's dumped me many times after these fights and he always comes back saying it's killing him - and his friends said he would be extremely wallowing.

The other thing he did, was distancing himself in every way. Sexually, emotionally, physically. I continually tried talking to him about it and he denied knowing what I was talking about. And yet he would say he loved me so much and to never leave. During our last week he said, "I wished you really did love me." I kept telling him that I did but he needed to take part in the relationship. It was like he wasn't there anymore. He refused to go to counseling and I would have done anything to get him to go.

Between the distancing and the picking fights, my "in love" feelings for him were just dead. I still love him but I didn't look forward to being with him anymore and I didn't feel sexually attracted to someone that was so distant.

I really hate the whole situation. Did he really love me as he thought - or is he out of touch with his own feelings? Was he distancing to push me away? Was he trying to get me to worship him?
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Re: Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby AliceWonders » Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:57 am

I really hate the whole situation. Did he really love me as he thought - or is he out of touch with his own feelings? Was he distancing to push me away? Was he trying to get me to worship him?


It's very hard to say what 'he' might have been doing in these particular questions. Of course I don't know him at all, but I do have the same kind of issues that you've described above and I can try to answer these questions as if they're possed to me directly, giving you some insight at least.

1. Did he really love me as he thought - or is he out of touch with his own feelings?
If this was me and it was pretaining to my XBF & I, I would say: Yes I really did love you, and I am out of touch with many of my own feelings sometimes. I KNOW that because of past experiences in my life love hurts, and it HURTS SO BAD! I want to love you, and I do love you, but the more I let you in and open myself up to you, the more I leave myself open to pain and suffering becasue of you. It's safer for me if I DO keep myself somewhat distanced from you to protect myself from those feelings of hurt. At times I may have seemed indifferent and uncarring, but this is all a fasade. This is me pushing myself from you and the pain you could possibly bring me, by trying to tell myself 'it doesn't matter' I don't care 'that much' and 'it's no big deal' BUT it IS a big deal, and you DO matter- I care for you SO MUCH!!! I just know I'm not gonna be able to keep you forever, because like everyone else and like every other situation I've been in, this is gonna end in heartache. So I keep myself garded as a protection to ME.

2. Was he distancing to push me away?
I think this has been answered in the above, but YES he was- simply for his own protection in getting hurt.

3. Was he trying to get me to worship him?
This one I'm not too sure of... With myself people either 'worship' me or they don't, and if they DON'T I really couldn't care less about them at all- so I'm more apt to say no here (if it were me) but some people DO want and NEED to be worshiped, so if he is some one like that, it verry well could be a yes. But I'd like to give you another option to think about here, instead of any kind of 'worshiping' what I think could have been happening in fact was him trying to to verify your love. Allow me to again try and explaine this through the me & my XBF situation:
You don't need to worship me, that's not what I'm seeking here. But I do try and test you sometimes to see weather or not the feelings you have for me are true, and wether or not they're even still there after everything that's happened. I think it would be safe to say that I don't like myself very much. Yes it seems on the outside as if I do, of course; I'm strong, itelligent, confident, attractive, self assured and all those positive things on the outside, but inside I'm very unsure of myself and I don't feel worthy of love- because if I were, everyone wouldn't have left me and hurt me so much over the years. I guess since it' so hard for me to love myself, I just don't see how YOU possibly could? So these games I play, these tests I put you through, they are for my own reassurance in your love, because of my own insecurities in myself.

As I said, I don't know him, but this is how I would answer these questions if it were my X asking me.

I hope it helps?
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth~Oscar Wilde

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together~Eugene Ionesco

Once you chose hope anything is possible~ Christopher Reeves
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Re: Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby goldengirl » Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:25 am

Thank you so much for answering me.

You don't need to worship me, that's not what I'm seeking here. But I do try and test you sometimes to see weather or not the feelings you have for me are true, and wether or not they're even still there after everything that's happened.


Even if he was doing this for months? He distanced from me in every way.

I spoke to him as a friend for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday just to say hello, and he told me that he will always love me and asked me to spend Christmas with him because "being alone on that day sucks." I said no. The other part of the situation is he is an alcoholic - he is pretty selfish. (he is addicted to porn, pot, sex as well.) Basically he has made alcohol and his friends number one and now his big concern is having to spend Christmas alone because that is the one day the friends won't be available.

Of course he couldn't care less that I've spent every Thanksgiving alone for the past 4 years, but he's worried about spending his Christmas alone and how much that is going to suck.

I told him no thanks but I attend counseling every Thursday and he was always welcome to attend. (We went to a couples counselor and he quit as soon as he realized he wasn't going to fool the counselor.)

His behavior just makes no sense to me. The weird part about it all, is that I really do believe that he loves me and his friends and other mutual friends have told me that he is devastated when we have broken up in the past. It all just doesn't make sense and drives me crazy.
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Re: Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby jmac » Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:17 am

Yes your experience sounds common. Odd, because you have listed one of the first attention catching descriptions of a bpd male I've heard (yes I've heard of several descriptions but they didn't seem congruent with real life situations).

The bpd always finds a way to mess with you, and they do it in ways that they can look innocent if you protest. They can say they were only playing, that you couldn't take a joke, or that you are too sensitive. My ex bpd did exactly the same 'pattern' but only in different ways (she did different things...no Windex in the bathwater 8) ).

They also mess with you in 'tiny' ways...it's like Chinese torture. One or two drops on the forehead you can tolerate, but they just keep going and going until you can't take it anymore. You blow and then they make it your fault that you blew. If you forgive them or make peace with them...then they go right back to the same thing. They may stop one thing, but if they do, all they do is move on to something else.

They have a saying in psychology, "The people who drive other people crazy are those whom we would officially diagnose with personality disorders".

Personality Disorder=Crazy Making Behavior.
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Re: Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby goldengirl » Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:07 pm

Odd, because you have listed one of the first attention catching descriptions of a bpd male I've heard


Hi jmac, Thanks for writing. What are some other ones?

An update - he did write this week telling me "let me know when you can come and get your bike." Just love how he always tells instead of asks, lol. I just said to please give the bike away to which he said he would keep it. (we've already discussed the bike by the way.) Then he formerly invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him...for the first time. I nicely declined and said thank you. As much as I would love to see him or be with him, I know that saying yes to any of these things is worthless if he isn't willing to get some counseling and work on his addictions. I think the Thanksgiving invite is really just him hoping that I'll agree to spend Christmas with him.
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Re: Borderlines and Picking Fights

Postby sillyme » Fri Nov 19, 2010 9:22 am

Alicewonders

some amasing insights- its insparational to see that you have really analysed your condition, and have come to understand yourself. you posts are amazingly helpful and im sure will not only help BPD's but those around them.

thank you so much for sharing your knowledge
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