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Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

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Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby lydie15 » Sat Jun 05, 2010 1:37 am

I've just read this article about BPD sufferer's and how they act in cycles throughout a relationship. The sad thing is, the whole article is generally true.

Here's the link:
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

The problem is, as a BPD sufferer, in all of my relationships, the love felt real. And although only recently have I discovered that I have BPD, I've realised that the reason to all of my relationship break up's are because of my actions.
I hate the feeling that it was my fault that the relationship went downhill - and I really want to fix that.

I just recently got out of a relationship with a guy I really care about, and I believe I love, even though it may say otherwise in the article, and I know that EVERYTHING in our relationship that went wrong was because of my actions.
It makes me feel depressed, but now I have a great want to fix it and make things work for the future.

What are your thoughts? Do you think a BPDer can have a successful, long lasting relationship if they REALLY try? And if so, how?
I know therapy and medication is one of the ways to help, but what do you think are other ways we could do ourselves? Like if we gave ourselves the mindset enough and tried our hardest to make it work?
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby Mateo » Sat Jun 05, 2010 6:07 pm

Hey, Lydie.

I'm a non but hopefully you won't mind... and hopefully I won't sound completely off base. First of all, I think that someone with BPD can without a doubt have a long lasting relationship. Anyone can for that matter so long as they're willing to work for it. There are plenty of people with BPD that are in committed, long lasting relationships (a few of which are on this board if I'm not mistaken) As far as doing it on your own, this is where I try not to sound biased, I don't think it's the best idea. You've been doing it on your own and seem to keep falling into the cycle. But maybe you just need some new techniques? This part of the answer is better suited for someone with personal experience so I'll try not to sound like I know what I'm talking about. As far as I'm concerned, you're off to a good start. You noticed the cycle. Being self aware of your own actions is one of the best things you can do (I'm still trying to master it) Getting better at noticing when you're feeling a BPD tendancy will help you gain control of it. Even if at first you can't control it but still notice it, that seems quite impressive to me. Every relationship takes work. A lot. Obviously a relationship with BPD involved needs to be handled differently and maybe a little more, but same concept. Find the issues, address them, and work through them. Find someone willing to work through it with you, and someone worth it, and you'll be in good shape. Some other BPD's can suggest specifics on help and how but I assure you, what you're looking for is definitely possible.
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby Pairou » Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:02 pm

BPD here. I am in a serious, and very happy relationship! And there are more of us on here. It IS possible.
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If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby rabeeto » Mon Jun 07, 2010 1:06 am

ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years, sometimes its really hard on him but as long as i take the time to talk to him about what's going on in my head and make him understand what's because of the illness and what isnt (thats if IM able to distinguish it) then its easier for both of us.
sometimes i feel like i dont want to be with him, sometimes i actually feel disgusted by him, and sometimes i love him and everything about our relationship.
its really hard sometimes but i dont want to give up on us unless i know 100% that it simply wont work and it's a mutual agreement.

as long as the person that a BPD person is with is supportive and patient, i think it can definitely last.
Last edited by rabeeto on Mon Jun 07, 2010 1:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby rabeeto » Mon Jun 07, 2010 1:10 am

p.s. i dont like the tone of that article :?
'intending to burn, pretending to fight it...'

http://www.intendingtoburn.tumblr.com
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby Pairou » Mon Jun 07, 2010 8:36 pm

rabeeto wrote:p.s. i dont like the tone of that article :?


I didn't bother reading it, it's always something negative.
Ĵїбџη Ķάқџмεї

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

-Sylvia Plath


http://borderline-eden.blogspot.com
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby mystiksage » Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:44 am

Pairou wrote:
rabeeto wrote:p.s. i dont like the tone of that article :?


I didn't bother reading it, it's always something negative.


I feel the same so I never read it either.
It's like we're condemned to a life of misery.
No wonder when some of us are diagnosed with BPD we think our life is over.

I was married for 3 years and with the man for 11, so yes it is possible.
I was diagnosed with BPD after we broke up. I wish I knew now what I knew then, maybe we'd have had a chance.
Since him, I have been in 3 relationships and ALL were destructive.
One was passive aggressive, one an alcoholic and another was to wrapped up in his own problems that he couldn't give to me 100%.
Anyway, the last relationship I was in, he was willing to be there for me (mental health nurse) but I was threatened by the thought he would constantly analyse me so I walked. I said to him it was a conflict of interest and I can't handle this thought.

I have just realised in the last 24 hours one of my exes believes I knew I had BPD when I met him, I actually had no idea. He thinks I deceived him and I should have been upfront so he could make a rational decision. I have tried to explain I didn't know I had BPD but he doesn't buy it. Oh well, but the thing I have decided to do now I am starting DBT is to not be in a relationship, get myself well, do things for ME (which will be hard) and ride the waves with support from my family, doctors and close friends. The temptation to want to be in another relationship will be great (and it is right now), but at the moment I am on some pretty strong medication so I really can't be bothered. It's like I am in a trance ... it's actually nice to feel this kind of relief, but I know it's not the end because something/someone will trigger something in me and I will lose the plot over it ...
When someone tells you what they are, believe them - author unknown
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby Pairou » Mon Jun 14, 2010 8:37 pm

I'm glad you're focusing on you, and not on a relationship. Way to go! : D
Ĵїбџη Ķάқџмεї

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

-Sylvia Plath


http://borderline-eden.blogspot.com
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby 1ontheside » Mon Jun 14, 2010 9:09 pm

I think it is possible. I am a non, in a (mostly) successful relationship with a man with BPD. We've been together almost 6 years. At times it (and HE) is really hard work, but I kind of figure most relationships are. We work very hard at our relationship, and occasionally take a break from each other, but we genuinely care for each other.

My man is currently going through a major depressive episode and this is testing the limits of our relationship in new ways. It has been a very trying time, but I'm hanging in, because he's worth it, he's getting help, and so far it's still ok for me.

Anything worth having takes work. All relationships take effort. I would never characterize our relationship as easy or smooth, but successful YES, and worth it, YES.

all the best to you,
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Re: Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Postby lady511 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 4:59 pm

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

I suffer with BPD, and read this article yesterday...and found it to be completely offensive. The person who wrote it is a psyhologist??? I'm not going to lower myself to say what I think of him.

Relationships for me are a great struggle. I am currently in a relationship, and it takes a lot out of me to just try and be rational on a daily basis...but I'm not about to give up. This article makes it sound as though people with BPD are intentionally playing mind games with their partner, or trying to manipulate people (I believe it actually says that), and that we are basically just not trustworthy people. That just isn't the case. Relationships are difficult for me because they set off ALL of my triggers. I am honest with my partner about what I think and feel, and he is honest (yet gentle) with me about what he thinks and feels. We struggle, but we make it work.
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