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why cant i ever follow through??

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why cant i ever follow through??

Postby rabeeto » Mon May 24, 2010 11:44 pm

I dropped out of school a month and a half before graduation (i did have some legit reasons, however, that my teachers/therapist agreed with). Now I resent everyone who is flashing around their graduation dresses or whatever. I gave my grad ring to my mom because everytime I looked at it I hated myself.

I can't work as of right now; advised by my therapist that it's best that I don't right now. But even if she gave me the go-ahead, I don't know if I could. I kept saying I would look for a job now that I wasn't going to school (I was getting gov't education funds, now I'll be cut off and my bf is the only one bringing in an income) but I could never folllow-through with going and looking for one.
And I KNOW that if I got a job, I may not be able to go through with going to work, at least not without having a huge anxiety attack first.

AND TODAY I was supposed to meet this woman so that I could eventually start walking her dog to make a little bit of money as well as get my ass moving (since exercise helps my mood but its hard to get out sometimes)...and I chickened out. I started having an anxiety attack like 2 1/2 hours before I was supposed to leave. I cancelled.

I'm not overly anti-social but I feel like I'm starting to get worse at engaging with other people. I feel like people wouldn't want to hang out with me anyway sometimes. I'd rather be by myself (other than my boyfriend, but sometimes I feel like I don't even want to be around him) and do nothing than be out with others and be productive.
And it doesn't help that when i HAVE to do something or ive made plans for something i get way too anxious over it to go through with it.
GAAAH :shock:
'intending to burn, pretending to fight it...'

http://www.intendingtoburn.tumblr.com
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Re: why cant i ever follow through??

Postby Pairou » Tue May 25, 2010 3:34 pm

Oh man, I went through exactly the same thing! I couldn't go to class, cancelled every plan I made with anybody... it was a tough time.

It took an intervention with some teachers for me to get through my freshman year of high school, and then it got easier knowing I had adults helping me out, keeping me in school, etc. I got through high school and then took a couple years off to live overseas by myself. That REALLY helped! I learned a lot about myself and didn't have to be social if I didn't want to. It helped my anxiety too.

I can't say anything about work- I work for my dad and he knows my issues pretty well, so he's forgiving. I also work from home.

I don't know if this wold hep you, but I say just grit your teeth and force yourself to go through with it, even with the anxiety and panic. It'll be awful but as you get through one thing, then another, it gets sooo much easier- you wouldn't believe it! I stopped canceling plans with friends, and as I got out there more and more, my anxiety lessened every time. I don't even need Klonopin to leave my house anymore.
Ĵїбџη Ķάқџмεї

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

-Sylvia Plath


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Re: why cant i ever follow through??

Postby SmileXx » Wed May 26, 2010 3:35 pm

Lack of motivation is common in BPD...
It's usually triggered by the chronic feelings of emptiness.
They cause a loss of any motivation for anything.

I don't really have good advice for it...
I deal with it by triggering mania in my bipolar side...
It causes the BPD to subside long enough for me to have a bipolar episode...
Which gives me some motivation for a while.
crimsonandclover wrote:Sometimes the greatest source is from within. And accepting whats in there.

veloruia wrote:We all have a bit of Smile in us.

onebravegirl wrote:Shine on and Smile on my beautiful 2D pal.


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Re: why cant i ever follow through??

Postby SYL » Wed May 26, 2010 10:53 pm

SmileXx wrote:I don't really have good advice for it...
I deal with it by triggering mania in my bipolar side...
It causes the BPD to subside long enough for me to have a bipolar episode...
Which gives me some motivation for a while.



THIS.

Still looking for that perfect mania trigger though.
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Re: why cant i ever follow through??

Postby SmileXx » Thu May 27, 2010 12:44 am

Mine is a nice mixture of B12 and caffeine...
And sex... sex totally makes me manic.
crimsonandclover wrote:Sometimes the greatest source is from within. And accepting whats in there.

veloruia wrote:We all have a bit of Smile in us.

onebravegirl wrote:Shine on and Smile on my beautiful 2D pal.


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