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Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby velouria » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:24 pm

G, you are under no time limit to make your decision in either direction.

It's a temporary thing to help me get some space, some time to think.


IMO, it's not ideal but if it's so YOU can get some space and time to think, then I personally think that's fine.

The goal is to turn your focus to you. It was thoughtful of you to provide her with that explanation, but eventually I think you'll find that it doesn't matter how you package it or how long you take to explain it, you need to do what you need to do. My experience with a BPD was that it didn't matter what I did or said, whether I made preemptive moves or not, he was going to do and say whatever he wanted. Just keep the focus on you.
‎The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky. ~ Hafiz

When in doubt, sit on the stoop and play the ukulele.
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby CarmenRose23 » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:25 pm

Look I'm not saying "Give up and leave."

I am saying if your going to even BOTHER with a seperation, do it right. Take some time spend a week or 3 out of the house, get your head straight.

You can always come back, and you can continue to even work on it, if that is what you decide... but don't take a half step out the door.

You KNOW that as a BPer her greatest fear is abandonment and rejection... if you do this with you in the house it will be like you are abandoning her every night; we are talking Fight CITY... BUT if you just GO then it's ONE instance. Like Jerking off the bandaid.

Ya it's going to hurt, but believe it or not she's a big girl and this is the kind of thing that can make her start acting like it.

And if you are worried about her hurting herself you call someone over to spend the first night with her. Ya'll have friends right?
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby GPR » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:35 pm

I think it might come to that. Maybe that is what I should've done.

I'm not sure what I would do with the kids or how that would work.

Something to think about. I'm about ready to head home. We'll see what happens when I get there.
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby CarmenRose23 » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:39 pm

IT's better for the kids too.

You might want to consider having them stay at Grand ma or Grand pa's while you are gone...

That way you arn't leaving them with her if she can't manage them, but your not taking them yourself. They are with a safe nutriel party... that way she can't even accuse you of "Stealing" the kids. But at the same time you know that they are safe and well cared for.
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby velouria » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:41 pm

There are no "should have's" only "why's" - this is how we shape our futures. There also is not only one way to deal with this. You do what you need to do to get you where you need (and want) to be. If that means sleeping on the couch while you get your head straight, that's what it means. If that doesn't work, then you know you'll have a new decision to make.
‎The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky. ~ Hafiz

When in doubt, sit on the stoop and play the ukulele.
velouria
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby Normal? » Wed Feb 03, 2010 3:55 pm

GPR

GPR wrote:how she is unhappy and she is still confused after what I did to her
Last edited by Normal? on Mon Aug 02, 2010 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This should have been a noble creature:
A goodly frame of glorious elements,
Had they been wisely mingled; as it is,
It is an awful chaos—light and darkness,
And mind and dust, and passions and pure thoughts,
Mix’d, and contending without end or order,
All dormant or destructive.
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby GPR » Wed Feb 03, 2010 4:57 pm

I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if she's just depressed/de-regulated, and uses that for a justification? I don't know what she thinks, but it appears from the outside that sometimes she doesn't necessarily get sad or upset ABOUT something.... but more that she get's sad and upset and then FINDS something to be sad or upset about.

That's what is frustrating. I don't know if that's really what she is upset about or if it's something else and she just uses that to justify it. Who knows, maybe it's because she just doesn't want to be with me anymore and is using that as a justification. I know the results of this are I am in a relationship would a woman that says she "Love's me, but is not in love with me" and that I do not feel loved or respected or appreciated.

Basically, I'm confused too. I'm grasping at straws here.
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby applepie » Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:29 pm

I have a diagnosis of BPD, am fifty years old so have plenty of experience! I have now been in therapy for three years so have gained enough insight to bring about change. I recognise my old self in your description of your wife and I can tell you what is happening: you are not FIXING her and so she is resentful towards you (all subconcious) and it will get worse as no human can fix us, we have to do that for ourselves, until she learns that and I mean really learns it she will NOT change, it will ALWAYS be the way it is now. I am sorry to sound so negative but I am afraid that until somebody with BPD gets extensive and indepth help nothing can change. You need to think long and hard, do you want to be abused for the rest of your life, because that is what she is doing although she will genuinley believe that she is right and justified in her behaviour towards you. I ended up leaving my marriage and hurt him very badly but there can be silver linings as, since my therapy, we are now best friends.

Oh by the way you did NOTHING wrong two years ago...nothing whatsoever please believe me.

I am so sorry you are going through such hell.

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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby CarmenRose23 » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:26 pm

That's what is frustrating. I don't know if that's really what she is upset about or if it's something else and she just uses that to justify it.


Understanding the motive doesn't change the result.

The result is that you are being manipuleted and are in a emotionaly abusive relationship. You mentioned that you are codependent. As a codependent it's your nature to want to overlook and make excuses for behavior your partner does that is harmfull to you. This is why a time with some real seperation is SO important.
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Re: Insights on Sex (BP and Non's)

Postby GPR » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:27 pm

applepie wrote:I have a diagnosis of BPD, am fifty years old so have plenty of experience! I have now been in therapy for three years so have gained enough insight to bring about change. I recognise my old self in your description of your wife and I can tell you what is happening: you are not FIXING her and so she is resentful towards you (all subconcious) and it will get worse as no human can fix us, we have to do that for ourselves, until she learns that and I mean really learns it she will NOT change, it will ALWAYS be the way it is now. I am sorry to sound so negative but I am afraid that until somebody with BPD gets extensive and indepth help nothing can change. You need to think long and hard, do you want to be abused for the rest of your life, because that is what she is doing although she will genuinley believe that she is right and justified in her behaviour towards you. I ended up leaving my marriage and hurt him very badly but there can be silver linings as, since my therapy, we are now best friends.

Oh by the way you did NOTHING wrong two years ago...nothing whatsoever please believe me.

I am so sorry you are going through such hell.

applepiexx


Thanks a lot. Coming from a person with the disorder, that makes me feel a lot better about myself.

Therapy plans are in the future. We are starting with MC. From there, she will refer us to a Therapist for individual stuff. It's an actual group or company with a variety of doctors/therapists/counselers etc. The people there thought it might be good to start off with MC, because she is a very anxious person, because it would get her started and ease her into it, and initially, I would be there with her to help ease some of the anxiety. I said I was going to get therapy too. At first, I thought it would help get her in the door. Now, I've realized I really need it.

I am NOT willing to live like this forever. But if she is really willing to try, I love her enough to give her a shot. If this doesn't work out, if she quits therapy, I will be done. But honestly, I'm just hoping I can get myself fixed enough right now to make it that far.
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