I have recently been diagnosed with possible BPD traits and the main issue with me here is that fact that I feel nothing for my partner. I went from being absulutely totally in love/he was my everything/never felt this way before to waking up and feeling anxious and ridden with feelings of dread and that I no longer loved him. There were many triggers at the time, as I had recently moved down to his town to be with him 3 months prior to this - everything was perfect apart from when I started a new job and I didn't enjoy it, I didn't have many friends, I started to suffer an ongoing guilt for leaving my bipolar/bpd mother on her own and then finally I also started to battle huge insecurites of my boyfriend leaving me anyway (I am a jealous person when it comes to my boyfriend's ex's - silly i know
)...Anyway, having that stress as well as being off work with a bad back (totally bedridden and on strong painkillers and diazepam), I suddenly FLIPPED 180 DEGREES. Everything was suddenly overwhelming and alian to me. I wanted to love my boyfriend but couldn't. I was so confused as nothing in the relationship was bad - just all in my head.
Ever since then (Nov last year), I have struggled with my nerves - depression, panic attacks and most of the time NO feelings of love for my boyfriend and my family up home, as well as affection/friendliness towards friends. It's like I can't say if I like people either.
I have struggled with bouts of depression since my teens, mainly invloving my past. I don't want to go on and feel sorry for myself, as I know alot of people have had a tough time, but my psych seems to think my shift in feelings for partner is all to do with growing up with a mentally ill mother, who abused alcohol and neglected me at times, having a father who left us and didn;t give a sh*t. Having several sexual abuse memories and a very unstable sense of self because if it - I really don't know who I am and never really have.
I have so many emotions going on at the moment, but a new part of myself that has just developed is that I feel hatred towards people?! The most recent reason is because these certain people forgot my birthday the other day - I mean HATRED?! Why am I feeling this way. Anyone can forget a birthday
But the main distressing thing in my life, is that fact that I have gone suddenlt from love to indifference for my boyfriend. He has done nothing wrong and is pefrect for me, but I feel empty, bored and unintrested . I hate myself and want to love him. Will thi come back? I feel it at times, then it goes again.
I would love to gain advice from anyone who has gone/is going through a similar problem. Another part of my problem is I find it hard to take in a diagnosis and I question it. I am questioning whether I don't have bpd and just have fallen out of love - this however is a terrible thought for me.
I am so messed up.
Thanks for reading x