borderline dilemmas

Identity disturbance (finding "self").

It's been so terrible lately. I was going to create a long thread here last night detailing my depression and confusion, but I left it. It was far too long and confusing. And my mood also found itself changing towards the end. Which stopped me from posting it because suddenly I didn't feel like the person who wrote it.

Am very confused at the moment. Can't remember if I like something or not. Everything just seems completely out of sync. And I don't know how to make it go back to the way it was. I really don't know.

I just don't know who I am right now. I don't even know if I'm Borderline or not. I usually go through phases when I believe either I am or I am not. This is my current dilemma. Don't know anything.

And usually this is the most prevalent and debilitating feeling. That and the fact that I am alone.

for me, it used to be rage and anxiety. the wanting to hurt myself came from feeling out of control.

but i think the part am left with now is confusion, and who am i? i was just talking to my CPN about schemas- how i lack a core self and what to do about it.

am glad that i don't cut myself etc anymore and that the mood swings have stabilised. but i am still left not knowing who i am. How to fix this? i don't know?

i was abused, mentally, verbally, and witnessed domestic violence occasionally.

outside the home i was sexually assaulted as a child and my father did not believe me.


i have great difficulty accepting my experiences of being abused as valid. sometimes i think i became BPD just to create a identity for myself. if i was well, i think i might disappear.

My friends all have limits around me some only see me on Sundays some not that.They are afraid I would be to clingy I guess. I have one friend we do alot but we wear out.I have abandonment issues when no ones around. Sometimes I dont like my home where I live because I want to be with my friendsdeaths of friends is another abandonment issue for me,something I face and fight that is traumatic for me to get over.

am as i post this.

i know how you people feel, because at moment i am struggling with effects of abuse, but am not allowed to talk about it anymore to my CPN or Psych because it would trigger rage attacks and self-harm, and they said if i could forget about the abuse then those symptoms would go away.

I don't know where to go at the moment. I wish i could believe that its OK for me to cry these tears.

Do you think emotional and verbal abuse is serious if you have BPD?

I cant tolerate emotion or verbal abuse I was around it when I was a child and Im new here havent read anything about you yet from other posts but if people with BPD were experienced to abuse as child then Ive learned we carry the pain into our adulthood,sometimes we wish we could relive our childhood by imagining we we different and got treated better,there are times when I feel that my childhood was robbed from me and I still want to be a kid again.
For my source of help through all this when therapy and friends arent good enough. I go to Charles Stanley online and read his devotions and I listen to his audio sermons ,they help me. But pls dont think Im pushing that on anyone here I dont want to get into trouble .Its just something thats helpful to me.

Hi, my boyfriend always says that I think in black and white when we fight, he says I better get help with my taking things the wrong way or he is gonna have to leave, it so hard for me to change being sensitive or never to raise my voice. I feel like I am sometimes emotionally abused, I don't know it seems like it is never him always my fault or me who needs to change. I am so wore out and I am getting my eating disorder back in full swing because it helps me to deal with my flawed being.

i read the poll choices and all i could think of was, all of them.
i can't let myself be happy, i don't even know what the word
means and i just feel so frustrated with trying to make sense
of what happens in my head.

like why can i effectively push everyone away?
how is it that i continue to do the things that make me the most
panic engulfed, binge drinking, drugs, cutting, cheating on my
boyfriend, the list seems endless. i feel like i am non-existant
but at the same time, somehow the center of everything, selfish
and greedy. i can't tell the few people that i have left in my life,
seriously, they are plain tired of it. and i don't blame them. i'm
soooo tired of it but i can't seem to stop. everything is so chaotic
or soooo boring.

therapy helps to a degree, but sometimes i think that the only way
that it works is if i try and change, and but but but. i have every excuse to prevent it from working. the ultimate destructive behaviour aside from killing myself. just keep living in f-ing misery.

i'm sitting here after a particularly bad episode last night. i felt it building and i finally blew it and now i'm ranting here because i don't have any idea why i do these things. like impulse rules me and i just stare in the mirror today and i can't even understand what i am, and if i can't explain it to myself, how can i even begin to explain it to the people that i hurt and alienate? and where am i going to wind up? in the hospital again? on the street? i am running out of options and i just can't believe that i continue on allowing my illness to run my life.

my shrink would tell me that it is what it is, or that it's 'alf.e' another f-ing learning experience...??? how much learning do i need to do before i learn how to function? is it even possible anymore?

I would select an option that is missing from the list:

The emptiness and having no sense of self. I have no idea who I am, what I like (I do seem to know a lot about what I don't like but damn, it's a loooooonnnng process of elimintation), or how my personality is perceived by others. In fact, I don't think I have a personality at all.

I feel like I finally figured out what's "wrong" with me. I mean, I'm a great guy and all, and in the last 3 years I've done a masterful job learning how to hide most of my dysfunctioning personality from people, but I can't deny that my head is sick any longer. So I looked up what I thought I had, antisocial personality disorder. Even though there were a number of criterion that I met, the condition excludes people who are capable of loving relationships(Not that any relationship I've ever had is healthy, or that I think loving people is a good idea, but love is usually involved). Then I came across this and it seems so perfect. 8 out of 9 criterion met, and all of these stories seem uncannily more familiar than depression stories, or antisocial personality stories. What I found familiar are the shifting goals and values. The constant mood swings until I don't even know WTF emotions mean to me. Forever reigning this monstrous beast in because I know that whatever I'm feeling now won't exist tomorrow. It makes it seem like emotions aren't real. It makes me so f***** angry knowing that whatever I do, whatever I feel or say doesn't mean a goddamn thing to anyone, especially me. I have impossible expectations of myself, and even though I know it, I can't let them go. It's not that I'm holding onto these expectations, instead they're as much a part of me as my hands. I used to do any drug I could find, then I quit two years ago, only to replace it with binge eating and exuberant spending sprees.

Then there's the worst of it. The anxiety/paranoia about imaginary things that never f****** leaves. Not ever. I don't know peace that isn't found in the middle of a sandwich bag. I'm a 23 year old good looking man and I haven't been laid in two years because I can never shut my brain down long enough to go try and meet a nice woman. I know for a fact that women find me attractive, and people think I'm funny and smart. Yet for some reason I get the fear of god in me whenever I start spitting game. I think about suicide all the time, even though it's been five years since my last attempt. I don't hate life, it's more of a passionless dislike. I don't dare end it, though, because I know I'd dislike dieing even more(no more pizza when you're dead). And the lack of an identity. Not knowing the first thing about who I really am. I fake it well, though. The two friends I've made since the last of my original friends called it quits think I'm reliable, steady, careful, strong and a little wild. I suppose from what I show them I am. But right after "a little wild" comes irresponsible, careless, in constant flux from within my own skin prison. My mother thinks I'm loving and loyal with a troubled past, but no matter how hard I run from history I still feel compassionless and alone.

I've made peace with parts of this. I know I'll be alone forever. It's not so bad when you admit it. I kind of like it actually. This way I'm not worried about people leaving, so that part of me is resting after many years.

Anyway, it's cool to not feel alone for once so thanks for the stories.

P.S.
This quote says a lot :

"I was going to create a long thread here last night detailing my depression and confusion, but I left it. It was far too long and confusing. And my mood also found itself changing towards the end. Which stopped me from posting it because suddenly I didn't feel like the person who wrote it."
-Air Captain