Can/How Do You Feel Love

I'm diagnosed with BPD traits. I just looove to loooove
Yes.

@ Breytt

Like you, I'm not really sure I will ever understand feelings. I've been to therapy, read tons of books and something isn't clicking. Maybe that part of my brain never developed. Don't know if it's too late to get it back now .

I would agree having diabetes on top of mental health issues can be really tough. Some of my OCD revolves around my Diabetes so that can be especially challenging. And, you're right, you never feel 100% healthy. Somedays I just wanna give up...it's all so much. And since I've had Diabetes for so long I'm kinda just waiting for the complications to set in. I think most of the time I'm in denial of the whole thing. The only thing I can really say is that we are true warriors .

Lilybean wrote:@ Breytt

Like you, I'm not really sure I will ever understand feelings. I've been to therapy, read tons of books and something isn't clicking. Maybe that part of my brain never developed. Don't know if it's too late to get it back now .

I would agree having diabetes on top of mental health issues can be really tough. Some of my OCD revolves around my Diabetes so that can be especially challenging. And, you're right, you never feel 100% healthy. Somedays I just wanna give up...it's all so much. And since I've had Diabetes for so long I'm kinda just waiting for the complications to set in. I think most of the time I'm in denial of the whole thing. The only thing I can really say is that we are true warriors .

I'm unsure what caused me to never really understand feelings either. I don't think I'll ever really understand, but I second-guess myself with everything. It could be the fact that I "feel" a bunch of different emotions and can't decipher them, or maybe my brain didn't develop properly too. It's all just really confusing.

I think it's just the fact that I'm either waking up mentally feeling unwell or physically due to the diabetes. It's just always one or the other. It feels like you can't win at all. While I'm happy a lot of the people on here don't seem to have this combo, I also have felt kind of alone with being the "only one" until now. While they understand the bpd extremely well, it's hard to explain how the Diabetes effects the bpd side of things to people who don't have it. Then there's the fact that if I didn't get Diabetes when I was 4 I don't think I'd have bpd, because the frequent hospital visits seem to be the cause of my severe abandonment issues.
I honestly think once the Diabetes complications set in it will be the push off the cliff that I need. Sad to say, but I have a feeling I'm going to end up without a foot.. and I certainly don't need the stress of losing limbs.

i'm with you all on the "well-rehearsed"script. I feel as though my partner tells me he loves me because he feels like he has too. I struggle to say it back because it embarrasses me. I feel almost ashamed to admit that I have those feelings and to be vulnerable.

The script message I was brought up on was basically, "get over it" "be strong or people will take you for a fool" "get up and carry on"

No. Never feels like a script to me. I genuinely believe I am.

Thanks to everyone for chiming in...it gave me a lot to think about.

@Breytt

It's so funny you mentioned Diabetes in relationship to what might have been factor to your developing BPD. I have often thought the same thing. I was 11 when I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, which also included hospital stays. These stays were horrific for me, the main reason being that neither of my parents stayed with me overnight. Being a sensitive child, this was something looking back on, I thought they really fu@&ed up on. I felt so alone. Especially being in the ICU...you think that one of your parents would stay with you at all times. Was I at 11 years old expecting too much?? My Mom did visit everyday and the only time my Dad came to visit was after he snuck in after visiting hours and was drunk from just leaving the bar. Anyways...a minor vent there. But I do think it contributed to my BPD is some way. Plus there is also the trauma of being diagnosed with a lifelong health condition, especially at such a young age. Of course there are many other factors as well.

Like I said before, my OCD is really tied to my Diabetes. My blood sugars have to be perfect or I go into full blown panic attacks...and I know you will understand how hard it is to always have good numbers. I'd hate for you to lose any limbs!! If I can be of any help...please let me know. Hope you are well.

When I idealize someone, I do love and it's blissfully intense and flattering. I'm euphoric and I really enjoy the chasing phase of a relationship. Nothing exists but them, I want to nurture them, they are a part of me, we share a soul, I mirror and 'become' them, I want to know everything about them, etc. When idealization goes away (it typically does within a few months), I can't love them, I just don't feel it and they start to annoy me. I get bored when we get comfortable with eachother or when I have them, even though that's what I wanted. There is no chase so they aren't exciting anymore. I love them 'mechanically'; I'll try to be there for them and give them attention for the sake of the relationship/preserving their own love for me, but there is no genuine concern or feeling behind it. I can't express affection, I can't worry when something bad happens to them, I can't remember things they say, I can't ask them how they are or what their day was like, I can't connect with them.. It's unfortunate, I'd like to love more consistently. But it is what it is.

Conversely, if they start to withdraw or blow hot and cold when I feel I have them, I just get angry instead of wanting to capture them again.

is really strange that even though every person is different and acts different sometimes they act exactly the same like a text book.
how much text book was the above. i do not think i do that at all ,i react differently but that was exactly what i experienced with other pds.like a text book.exactly.
i thought is torture that the only way to be with someone is to never be with him and i do not want that. everytime i get close i am afraid that the other is going to leave me and i freak out.it seems like my fear match perfectly with someone who leaves you every time you come close. so in a way the abused becomes abuser at some point. but i desperately want to feel safe and secure and i can't.
i want the other to never want to leave me.
btw i can not understand completely where this fear comes from. i mean i know my parents have insecure attachments but i do not consciously remember them doing this to me. but my whole fear that if i come close you are going to leave match perfectly with npd and bpd.maybe it was not just my parents though but other relationships with people too. i remember more clearly friendships than parents behavior.my mom acts a little borderliny too and i hate her for it and i catch myself doing the same to others(wtf realising moment) only i am less stubborn like i can get over the anger immediately and love you again but she holds it

-- Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:04 pm --

my mom does the : either you are clingy or never talks to you again.there is no in between

I've only ever once dumped someone, just once. Otherwise I usually maintain warm feelings towards pretty much anyone. Unfortunately.
But this person very disrespectfully bowed to the will of his friends and tried to ridicule me about not being intimate soon enough. I can't say I appreciated their arbitrary and chauvinistic values, so I left him. I was left with tangible evidence, so the decision was easy. But, but. Surprisingly, they were the ones to express their hurt.
I kinda cherish this situation in my mind as a proof of how simple and weak the human mind is. Simply looking for and gravitating towards things they can't have. Albeit towards shallow and undeveloped relationship.

Lilybean wrote:@Breytt

It's the exact same story for me. Although my father would stay the first couple nights, eventually he did have to go back to work (and he worked night-shift).. and every year since I was four I was in the hospital for at least a week, so I'd say that's pretty traumatic for a child.
I don't blame my father one bit though. I have 3 siblings, and my mother wasn't paying child support so my father did the best he could given the circumstances. Would it have been nice if he could stay overnight with me? Yes, but it just wasn't possible. I think I wouldn't have it if he did, but he really did do the best he could.
I also think my mother not being around until I was eight years old could have contributed in some sort of way, but not nearly as much as the hospital stays. I remember crying and begging my father to stay. I don't remember ever thinking about why my mother wasn't around.. In fact as a child I think I thought it was normal. I didn't know any differently at that age at least.

I honestly don't really need any help. I just don't care enough about it. I know what I should do, shouldn't do, etc.. and I even adjust my long-acting/short-acting as needed, but I really just don't care enough to try and stabilize it. I don't see a point, because even if that's perfectly under control I'll still feel #######5.. and I know that because I have had it perfectly under control previously, and not only was it a lot of work but it didn't make me feel any better, so I gave up on it.

I don't think it helps any that I'm currently at my lowest I've ever been. I just feel completely hopeless about ever feeling happy, and that's the one thing I want in life. Like I value being mentally healthy above anything else, and to have it finally sink in that that will never be me has just made my life $#%^. I thought it was bad before, and that it couldn't get any worse, but it somehow managed to.