New member here. I’ve recently been diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar II and PTSD. I start DBT tomorrow and will be put on a new medication next week (Had to have blood work before it could be prescribed.)
My question is about my relationship with my best friend. He’s been my best friend for over 3 years and until January, we spent large amounts of time together as we lived close by. I was hospitalized in January, lost my job and vehicle, and had to move in with family over an hour away, so we saw each other much less frequently. I recently moved back to the area and am homeless living in a tent in another friend’s yard. I haven’t been able to see him much, despite being back to being close by.
I’ve only recently been diagnosed, but my mood swings and cloudy thinking have been a cause of tension in our friendship, but he’s stuck by me. I have a very hard time knowing if my thoughts are logical or if it’s the mental illness causing me to feel the way I do sometimes.
He has other friends that he’s recently been spending time with, and at times I’m jealous because I’ve barely seen him at all since being back in the area. He’s also pursuing a potential relationship with a girl he works with so he’ll be spending time with her as well. I’ve told him I’d rather he spend time with them if they can make him happy. I recognize the fact that those thoughts are illogical, however, there’s others I struggle with.
I’ve said goodbye to him tonight and told him that I genuinely want to be happy for him, but when we talk about his life, I’m only reminded of what I used to have and don’t currently have, so I only end up feeling worse whenever we talk. I’ve told him that I want nothing more than to be a positive support for him, but I can’t deal with my own issues. I can’t make myself happy currently, so I feel like I can’t be a good friend right now either. He asked how long and I said that it may take me a long time to sort through everything and by that time he’ll have probably moved on and established his life with his newer friends.
Did I make the wrong decision? Should I have waited until I start therapy and the new medication to see if things improved enough to try to salvage the friendship? I just don’t want to be a burden and negative all the time. We’ve always been there for each other but I’m to the point where I struggle every minute of every day with my image of myself and thoughts of suicide. I have a dog I love and she’s my motivation for pushing through and staying alive. I struggle not necessarily with jealousy of people in my life, but just the fact that I wish I could be “normal.” I sometimes feel like I obsess over what I’ve lost and can’t appreciate what I still have. I find myself feeling resentful at times and feel like I’ve been replaced with the newer friends despite constant reassurance. I just want the people in my life to be happy and I feel like I can’t contribute to that right now.
Sorry for rambling. I’ve never reached out for support before, but I feel like I should get some feedback from those that have “been there.” Thanks in advance.