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Ending a friendship

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Ending a friendship

Postby Stageactor88 » Mon Aug 14, 2017 6:22 am

New member here. I’ve recently been diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar II and PTSD. I start DBT tomorrow and will be put on a new medication next week (Had to have blood work before it could be prescribed.)


My question is about my relationship with my best friend. He’s been my best friend for over 3 years and until January, we spent large amounts of time together as we lived close by. I was hospitalized in January, lost my job and vehicle, and had to move in with family over an hour away, so we saw each other much less frequently. I recently moved back to the area and am homeless living in a tent in another friend’s yard. I haven’t been able to see him much, despite being back to being close by.

I’ve only recently been diagnosed, but my mood swings and cloudy thinking have been a cause of tension in our friendship, but he’s stuck by me. I have a very hard time knowing if my thoughts are logical or if it’s the mental illness causing me to feel the way I do sometimes.

He has other friends that he’s recently been spending time with, and at times I’m jealous because I’ve barely seen him at all since being back in the area. He’s also pursuing a potential relationship with a girl he works with so he’ll be spending time with her as well. I’ve told him I’d rather he spend time with them if they can make him happy. I recognize the fact that those thoughts are illogical, however, there’s others I struggle with.

I’ve said goodbye to him tonight and told him that I genuinely want to be happy for him, but when we talk about his life, I’m only reminded of what I used to have and don’t currently have, so I only end up feeling worse whenever we talk. I’ve told him that I want nothing more than to be a positive support for him, but I can’t deal with my own issues. I can’t make myself happy currently, so I feel like I can’t be a good friend right now either. He asked how long and I said that it may take me a long time to sort through everything and by that time he’ll have probably moved on and established his life with his newer friends.

Did I make the wrong decision? Should I have waited until I start therapy and the new medication to see if things improved enough to try to salvage the friendship? I just don’t want to be a burden and negative all the time. We’ve always been there for each other but I’m to the point where I struggle every minute of every day with my image of myself and thoughts of suicide. I have a dog I love and she’s my motivation for pushing through and staying alive. I struggle not necessarily with jealousy of people in my life, but just the fact that I wish I could be “normal.” I sometimes feel like I obsess over what I’ve lost and can’t appreciate what I still have. I find myself feeling resentful at times and feel like I’ve been replaced with the newer friends despite constant reassurance. I just want the people in my life to be happy and I feel like I can’t contribute to that right now.

Sorry for rambling. I’ve never reached out for support before, but I feel like I should get some feedback from those that have “been there.” Thanks in advance.
Stageactor88
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Re: Ending a friendship

Postby Lilybean » Mon Aug 14, 2017 7:04 pm

Hi Stageactor88 ;)

Boy...I understand where you are coming from. I found myself agreeing with a lot that you were saying. I had a falling out with my FP a few months ago (mostly due to my own poor coping skills) and I ended up doing what you did and saying goodbye to her. It was awful. Even though I ended the friendship at that point, I still felt really hurt and abandoned. And it was during this time apart that she found a new FP and a different group of friends. Ones that I would not fit in with at all. Again, I did the same as you and wished her the best. Meanwhile, my insides felt like everything was coming undone. She also lives an hour away from me, so we weren't seeing each other often. I really went downhill during this time and I came to realize that I regretted ending the friendship.

So...we gave it another shot. On different terms. It's still hard knowing she's going out with others and having a grand old time. It's extremely hard knowing I am no longer her FP. But if you think about it, nothing can stay the same forever.

If you were to ask me whether you should have waited to end the friendship, I would have said yes. The tools you will learn in DBT are supposed to help you cope with situations like this. And if you need medication, that can be helpful as well.

I think we all struggle to be "normal." Our minds process our negative experiences much easier then the positive ones. That's why we have to work so hard to appreciate the things we have.

I'm not sure I've helped with your issue at all...but just wanted you to know you are not alone. ;)
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