I think I have BPD

I think I have borderline personality disorder. I'm 22, and I've realized I may have BPD within the last 3 months. Within the past year my boyfriend and I moved in together, and that's when my "symptoms" (quotes bc I haven't been diagnosed) started to appear - or I guess I should say that's when they started to affect my life significantly. When I get into a mood, I completely shut down. I pick fights with my boyfriend and I sit around all day angry at him for no reason. Thing is, I think I'm really angry with myself for being this way. In high school I was severely depressed, barely went to school and just laid in bed and cried. Some days I would wake up and not be able to move, my body paralyzed. When my symptoms are bad, it takes me back to those days. I can't help but sit around and be depressed or angry or frustrated with everyone. I hate going out, especially with my boyfriend, because I know I'll get into a mood and then we'll fight or I'll just sit there and not interact with anyone. I hate myself for it. I'm afraid to find out if I really have BPD because I'm afraid of never getting better or it taking too long and I give up. I know I need help, but my subsequent depression keeps me from getting it. I always find an excuse to not make an appointment. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. If I'm not depressed, I'm emotionally vacant; when I'm in a mood I could literally stare into space for hours on end feeling nothing. I'm terrified of ruining my relationship, but it feels like I'm slowly doing that. Did anyone else have this experience of being afraid to get help? How did you get over it? Even on my worst days I still think of excuses even though I'm destroying my life. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry about what you are going through. You think you have BPD, but you need to know. So the first thing to do would be to consult a psychiatrist and get diagnosed. There is hope no matter what the diagnosis. But the next step will depend on it.