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Welp,I'm really trying not to repeat the cycle (TW?)

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Welp,I'm really trying not to repeat the cycle (TW?)

Postby XanderBlue » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:49 am

I am unsure what I did yesterday, But I'm pretty sure I triggered myself somehow, all those ruminating thoughts I could feel them starting up. And the loneliness, which normally I don't mind being alone, like physically alone. In fact i prefer it, however this was that sense of being alone in ones mind that not only is no one near you, but you are simply... alone. I went from being happy (because i just started a new job and am excelling <---[which means nothing really ya know], I've gotten back on my workout schedule, I'm in therapy. off probation.. etc etc ) to just, distraught.

Then I started daydreaming about this girl. whom i went to high school with and recently became friends with again on social media. I find myself daydreaming about her JUST like i did in high school, reverting to my same mannerisms and such as then. I'm mirroring a memory. Afraid to even talk to her.
So of course at this point I scrounge up a bunch of nickels, and get a ride to the store, for alcohol. Which totally broke my intermittent fast and my attempts to remain sober. Which made me feel worse of course. But hey I finally talked to her, which is well. Although I probably shouldn't talk to her.

I could tell very clearly talking with people that I just really felt lonely, I started messaging people I usually don't the instant one person wasn't talking. I messaged one friend and was telling her how well I was doing (I have a tendency to do this when things are falling apart in my mind, I also have a tendency to try to keep up an appearance of success to an extent, unless I'm completely breaking ) And I made the mistake of telling her about my PD Dx. And she replied that "Don't get mad, but from what it sounds like it sounds like the daily life of a woman haha "

I think I scared her with my response. which was something to the affect of "If every woman had brief psychotic episodes, or if every woman's mom ignores them and that makes them wanna kill her , sure. "

*Sigh* I was/am doing so well.

Now I'm lying here, sober, regretful and depressed, trying to make myself get up and get back on the wagon. And go exercise. or study or... something.. healthy.

Sorry all.
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Re: Welp,I'm really trying not to repeat the cycle (TW?)

Postby Echinacea » Thu Jun 22, 2017 4:49 pm

Hi and welcome to the forum

Im sorry to see that you relapsed ..but you can do it again, try not to feel like you failed coz you didnt. the roller coaster is hard (i know)

You contacted her (urge to do so) is done
i have this all the time (should i, shouldn't i) but hell we cant win right?

Sometimes comments like these:
she replied that "Don't get mad, but from what it sounds like it sounds like the daily life of a woman haha "


Get right up my nose to, its like huh, what? "im taking about myself no body else"
but they think sarcasm helps (i hate this myself) your not the only one
its just about the lack of understand that annoys many actually

I really hope your receive some support here
and again welcome to the forum
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Re: Welp,I'm really trying not to repeat the cycle (TW?)

Postby XanderBlue » Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:38 pm

Thank you, for the welcome

Yes the lack of understanding, I have to keep that in mind. But then i just tend to not even share with people and that makes me feel lonely, which makes me try it again and then i get a response like that.

It's especially frustrating since I'm a guy, and that automatically makes me have the thought that they're comparing my mental issues with being like the daily life of a neurotypical woman. I am like, "Why is gender such a part of this, does BPD really sound like 'just a woman' to you? " and not to mention feeling completely invalidated. Plus I wonder if the person realizes how lacking they are in tact, and how saying what they think... well.. they should practice thinking more lol, cause that didn't even make sense.
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Re: Welp,I'm really trying not to repeat the cycle (TW?)

Postby Echinacea » Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:56 pm

The statement was very condescending and her lack of tact is definitely her problem tho.
I agree ...she does need to think more or at least learn a bit more about the dx before opening her month (imo)
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