I am unsure what I did yesterday, But I'm pretty sure I triggered myself somehow, all those ruminating thoughts I could feel them starting up. And the loneliness, which normally I don't mind being alone, like physically alone. In fact i prefer it, however this was that sense of being alone in ones mind that not only is no one near you, but you are simply... alone. I went from being happy (because i just started a new job and am excelling <---[which means nothing really ya know], I've gotten back on my workout schedule, I'm in therapy. off probation.. etc etc ) to just, distraught.
Then I started daydreaming about this girl. whom i went to high school with and recently became friends with again on social media. I find myself daydreaming about her JUST like i did in high school, reverting to my same mannerisms and such as then. I'm mirroring a memory. Afraid to even talk to her.
So of course at this point I scrounge up a bunch of nickels, and get a ride to the store, for alcohol. Which totally broke my intermittent fast and my attempts to remain sober. Which made me feel worse of course. But hey I finally talked to her, which is well. Although I probably shouldn't talk to her.
I could tell very clearly talking with people that I just really felt lonely, I started messaging people I usually don't the instant one person wasn't talking. I messaged one friend and was telling her how well I was doing (I have a tendency to do this when things are falling apart in my mind, I also have a tendency to try to keep up an appearance of success to an extent, unless I'm completely breaking ) And I made the mistake of telling her about my PD Dx. And she replied that "Don't get mad, but from what it sounds like it sounds like the daily life of a woman haha "
I think I scared her with my response. which was something to the affect of "If every woman had brief psychotic episodes, or if every woman's mom ignores them and that makes them wanna kill her , sure. "
*Sigh* I was/am doing so well.
Now I'm lying here, sober, regretful and depressed, trying to make myself get up and get back on the wagon. And go exercise. or study or... something.. healthy.
Sorry all.