Our partner

I don't know what else to do

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: lilyfairy, Echinacea

I don't know what else to do

Postby TrichySubject » Tue Feb 14, 2017 8:46 am

Hi... okay so lets get this straight. I have BPD and it affects me every minute of every day. I'm constantly paranoid, I feel like I'm an illegitimant person like nothing I say ever matters to anyome really. I'm just kimd of in the background in everyone's life and nobody seems to really even care if I'm around or not. Or at least thats how it feels for me. I can never explain this to people because they don't understamd. they act like I am overreacting bit they don't get that I feel emotions at least 2 times stronger than they do. I have absolutely zero self esteem. None whatsoever. I even did a personality test and my result was 0% assertive. Which I'm not surprised with at all... but also when I say I have zero self confindence, that isnt always entirely true. Only when I'm around other people. Even if it's just one person... Nomatter who I'm around, I always feel like they are automatically just simply better than me or "cooler" and I'm just again illegitimant. This causes me to also have severe social anxiety. I feel like nothing I do matters... and I'm compleley alone. I made the huge mistake of dating my only friend in real life, and when the breakup happened (over TEXT by the way) I had a huge BPD melt down and I think he's lost all respect for me. I have nobody... I'm literalllt all alone and so suicidal and not even one person cares or even knows. I'm having such a horrific time with this breakup and he seems to be just fine. It never seemed to affect him at all... maybe thats just my clouded judgement but he hasn't even sent me 1 text. But I get it... I'm not worth his time. I'm not worth anyone's time. I never even had a job. I'm 20 years old and I don't even have my learners license to learn to drive. I feel so pathetic, like a failure. I just don't have the motivation, and I don't think I can do it. I really don't. I get stressed out by the tiniest simplest things, I take everything everyone says, every look, every gesture, every word straight to my heart. I'm in tears writing this because I feel so emotional. I'm not normal, I'll never be normal and it seems like everyone is so dissapointed with me... I don't know what to do I really don't. I don't want to continue wasting my life, but like I said, I have no motivation to get things going. Actually, I was just offered a job by a lady who used to live close to me. She's very sweet and I like her alot, but I just feel like SUCH a loser around everyone, and she is a bit on the "cool" side. But the thing I'm worried about the most is that it's an 8 hour job from early in the morning to night, and I know some mom's reading this are probably laughing right now telling me to "suck it up princess" but it's very hard for me... My sleep schedual is whacked as it is. I can never fall asleep when I know I have to wake up early the next morning. I'm going to be so sleep deprived, it's going to be like school all over again. I just don't see how they think that I can do this... I don't see how I can really do anything. I hate blaming things on my mental illness, but this BPD has completely destroyed anything that ever was me in the first place. I have a therapist, I'm on the waiting list for DBT, I go to therapy whenever I need to, I try to talk out my feelings as best as I possibly can, I recieve government funding due to being unable to work, I know it sounds like I don't try, and sometimes I feel like I don't try... but the truth is I have been trying so hard for so long to get the help that I need, but nobody seems to ever take me seriously because I'm an extremely passive (hope thats the right word) person... and my social skills are just non existant. I just feel so lost and empty, and sometimes I feel like suicide really is the only answer for me. I just wanted to let this out to people who would understand or at least try to. I'm hoping that the people here will understand this hopelessness I have, although I would never wish this on anyone it would be nice to be understood.

Thank you for reading this far, it truly means alot to me.
TrichySubject
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 15, 2013 8:14 am
Local time: Mon Apr 24, 2017 10:58 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: I don't know what else to do

Postby dtc_33 » Tue Feb 14, 2017 10:14 am

Sounds like you're in a really bad place at the moment Trichy, and as hard as it is, I really think you need to try and not be so hard on yourself. While you're struggling to get yourself into a better place these things are mch harder for you, and it's not your fault.

It sounds like you're doing everything that anyone could really expect of you to work through this, but unfortunately to date you've not hit on the right combination that works for you.

Lots of people here recommend DBT so it's great that you'll be able to try that soon and see if that's the thing that can turn this around fr you.

I know you're probably struggling to see it but you do deserve to have a life that you can enjoy, you're the only one of you that we have as please take care of yourself, you are worth it.
User avatar
dtc_33
Consumer 4
Consumer 4
 
Posts: 83
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 1:59 am
Local time: Tue Apr 25, 2017 6:58 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I don't know what else to do

Postby triplemoon18 » Thu Feb 16, 2017 5:32 pm

Trichysubject - stop being so hard on yourself - you are 20 and you have BPD and it is going to take time to learn the skills you need to get along in this world. The government is giving you money so that you can take care of your mental health and that is okay - you are having a hard time and you don't need to make it harder by telling yourself that you are doing so badly.

Take baby steps to enjoy your life right now, by yourself and without the people who are making it harder for you - enjoy walks in nature, watch comedies or comedians, read books, cook or bake, do anything to help you feel like you are enjoying life a bit. Take baths, use candles, spoil yourself because you are worth it!

If you like, read some books on improving your self esteem - or coping with BPD - or anything you would like help with like improving your social skills.

All borderlines have been where you are right now - I know I certainly was at 20 and I am now almost 44 and I really enjoy life now and am happy most of the time. But it took a lot to get where I am today. A lot of hoping and struggling and working towards my goals.

You could ask this lady if you could try working part time - just a few hours a day to get you out of the house and earning a bit of money and feeling useful and getting out. Success does breed success.

You are very young with your whole life ahead of you and knowing that you have BPD, that you can go to therapy and learn the skills at DBT - you have the chance to learn all the stuff you can to have a great life!
User avatar
triplemoon18
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 203
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2016 5:45 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 24, 2017 5:58 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I don't know what else to do

Postby jaus tail » Fri Feb 17, 2017 4:27 pm

Hi... okay so lets get this straight. I have BPD and it affects me every minute of every day. I'm constantly paranoid, I feel like I'm an illegitimant person like nothing I say ever matters to anyome really. I'm just kimd of in the background in everyone's life and nobody seems to really even care if I'm around or not. Or at least thats how it feels for me. I can never explain this to people because they don't understamd. they act like I am overreacting bit they don't get that I feel emotions at least 2 times stronger than they do. I have absolutely zero self esteem. None whatsoever.


Telling my friends about my issues has helped me. i've told 2 of my friends that i have issues. low self esteem, black and white thinking. and most of the time i like to be alone.

They are okay with it and said if i need any help i'm free to ask them.
Earlier i used to think of this as their arrogance, but not now. I'm glad for such understanding friends.

I never even had a job. I'm 20 years old and I don't even have my learners license to learn to drive. I feel so pathetic, like a failure. I just don't have the motivation, and I don't think I can do it. I really don't. I get stressed out by the tiniest simplest things, I take everything everyone says, every look, every gesture, every word straight to my heart. I'm in tears writing this because I feel so emotional. I'm not normal, I'll never be normal and it seems like everyone is so dissapointed with me... I don't know what to do I really don't.


i'm 27 years old. dont know how to drive. dont have a job. recently failed an exam and have no motivation. i dont compare myself to others. they have their own struggles, or not. but its their life. we all have our issues. so comparing doesnt help.

other than that i dont know what to say, sorry. but a job could really help like let you put your issues into work. work is good distraction.

i think i had this urge to be superior on some level to others. i dont have that urge now.
exhausted
User avatar
jaus tail
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3494
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:35 am
Local time: Mon Apr 24, 2017 10:58 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 247 guests

cron