Hi... okay so lets get this straight. I have BPD and it affects me every minute of every day. I'm constantly paranoid, I feel like I'm an illegitimant person like nothing I say ever matters to anyome really. I'm just kimd of in the background in everyone's life and nobody seems to really even care if I'm around or not. Or at least thats how it feels for me. I can never explain this to people because they don't understamd. they act like I am overreacting bit they don't get that I feel emotions at least 2 times stronger than they do. I have absolutely zero self esteem. None whatsoever. I even did a personality test and my result was 0% assertive. Which I'm not surprised with at all... but also when I say I have zero self confindence, that isnt always entirely true. Only when I'm around other people. Even if it's just one person... Nomatter who I'm around, I always feel like they are automatically just simply better than me or "cooler" and I'm just again illegitimant. This causes me to also have severe social anxiety. I feel like nothing I do matters... and I'm compleley alone. I made the huge mistake of dating my only friend in real life, and when the breakup happened (over TEXT by the way) I had a huge BPD melt down and I think he's lost all respect for me. I have nobody... I'm literalllt all alone and so suicidal and not even one person cares or even knows. I'm having such a horrific time with this breakup and he seems to be just fine. It never seemed to affect him at all... maybe thats just my clouded judgement but he hasn't even sent me 1 text. But I get it... I'm not worth his time. I'm not worth anyone's time. I never even had a job. I'm 20 years old and I don't even have my learners license to learn to drive. I feel so pathetic, like a failure. I just don't have the motivation, and I don't think I can do it. I really don't. I get stressed out by the tiniest simplest things, I take everything everyone says, every look, every gesture, every word straight to my heart. I'm in tears writing this because I feel so emotional. I'm not normal, I'll never be normal and it seems like everyone is so dissapointed with me... I don't know what to do I really don't. I don't want to continue wasting my life, but like I said, I have no motivation to get things going. Actually, I was just offered a job by a lady who used to live close to me. She's very sweet and I like her alot, but I just feel like SUCH a loser around everyone, and she is a bit on the "cool" side. But the thing I'm worried about the most is that it's an 8 hour job from early in the morning to night, and I know some mom's reading this are probably laughing right now telling me to "suck it up princess" but it's very hard for me... My sleep schedual is whacked as it is. I can never fall asleep when I know I have to wake up early the next morning. I'm going to be so sleep deprived, it's going to be like school all over again. I just don't see how they think that I can do this... I don't see how I can really do anything. I hate blaming things on my mental illness, but this BPD has completely destroyed anything that ever was me in the first place. I have a therapist, I'm on the waiting list for DBT, I go to therapy whenever I need to, I try to talk out my feelings as best as I possibly can, I recieve government funding due to being unable to work, I know it sounds like I don't try, and sometimes I feel like I don't try... but the truth is I have been trying so hard for so long to get the help that I need, but nobody seems to ever take me seriously because I'm an extremely passive (hope thats the right word) person... and my social skills are just non existant. I just feel so lost and empty, and sometimes I feel like suicide really is the only answer for me. I just wanted to let this out to people who would understand or at least try to. I'm hoping that the people here will understand this hopelessness I have, although I would never wish this on anyone it would be nice to be understood.
Thank you for reading this far, it truly means alot to me.