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Understanding BPD

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Understanding BPD

Postby BirdieUnPar » Mon Feb 13, 2017 10:12 am

Hi all, I hope some of you might be able to assist me.

I am trying to understand BPD, I have a very brief grasp of what this disorder means and how it might be experienced.

One thing I was wondering about was the fear of abandonment;
Would it be possible, or even normal for a person with BPD to cut off and seemingly try to drive away close family members and best friends or lovers? Basically anyone who they are very close to. This seems counter to the idea of a fear of abandonment, because they made these connections in the first place, and they are the ones doing the abandoning. But maybe I am not understanding this fully and it is actually indicative of such a fear ie. abandon them before they can abandon me kind of mentality.

I haven't been able to find much relevant to this online, because everything that shows up is about the opposite, ie people cutting off the person with BPD.

Thanks in advance for any replies.
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby Echinacea » Mon Feb 13, 2017 2:02 pm

Hi BirdieUnPar
abandon them before they can abandon me kind of mentality.

this is exactly how it is for me yes.
i know it wont make that much sense to the "outside world" but in my head thats what it says ..."you will be let down and disappointed" so dont allow them to do it"

this only happens for me once ive been let down a few times and i see a pattern emerging, then its a nope not again flag for me.

my longest relationship was 11 years btw :)
then a few 6yrs 4yrs etc...i dont do casual dating, they dont give me stability i need

hope this helps a little ;)
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby kah80 » Mon Feb 13, 2017 3:39 pm

I find this odd too actually. I know it's common with BPD, from what I've read, but I don't experience it. I am terrified of being abandoned and I don't push people away. Sometimes I think about it, but I never actually do it, because I don't want to lose anyone.

I guess I just experience BPD in a different way to some other sufferers?
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby Lebkuchen » Mon Feb 13, 2017 4:22 pm

kah80 wrote:I find this odd too actually. I know it's common with BPD, from what I've read, but I don't experience it. I am terrified of being abandoned and I don't push people away. Sometimes I think about it, but I never actually do it, because I don't want to lose anyone.

I guess I just experience BPD in a different way to some other sufferers?


You're not alone in that either. The only way I push is in simply not engaging in conversation with others or staying at home, because I'm too socially exhausted. This never really happened with a fp or good friend though.
People are horrible people.
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby julllia » Mon Feb 13, 2017 5:41 pm

This is why I can't understand if I had this fear of not. Because it seemed like the opposite. They describe someone who would do anything to keep the other,while I leave. Or the more i want the other ,the more i destroy it and act crazy like a self sabotaze. the more I am afraid .And I am not holding the other like they describe but pushing him away even more in general. But I am not diagnosed I just had the same question in my mind. Why I do not keep the other but I push him away,and abandon the other first
First time I read about it ,I realized I am afraid what the ###$,because I seemed like the opposite

Do BPD leave or just hold you nomatter what??? Or they do both attitudes?
(Maybe it still has to do with attachment styles,the one Is preoccupied attachment that holds you?)

-- Mon Feb 13, 2017 7:48 pm --

Also I might be fine for long time but whenever I see the threat is where instead of wanting to keep the other by anyway possible,I push him more away.
Very rare I chased someone, you must be special exception when I do that,I usually burned bridges and made it worse .is easier the second.( Of course now I read about it ,then I didn't knew so I might change)
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby iate » Mon Feb 13, 2017 11:16 pm

Excuse me for such comparison, but it's like living in war area. You probably know that people that live in an area that might be bombed or attacked by soldiers tend to sleep fully dressed. They have all the things packed all the time. Just in case of bombing or other life-dangerous situation, where the whole family would have to run away immediately. So they're always prepared to flee just in case something happens.

I guess it's similar with BPD - I've managed to have a nice bunch of close friends. But no matter what they do, how much time we spend together - subconsciously I'm always prepared to being abandoned and run. It's like believing that people can off all sudden tell you that they don't want you anymore in their lives. Even though I can somehow deal with friends or family - the fear is becoming impossible to handle when in relationship.

There are things that I guess "normal" people can ignore or understand. Let's say - I've sent a message to someone telling that something funny happened. And they reply laconically and don't use any emoticons (let's assume they send me "lol"). So when "normal" person wouldn't pay attention to that detail (or would understand that the other one could be for example busy at that moment) I clearly see the obvious sign that they don't like me anymore.

So with friends/family I am able to push away from them and stop any contact until they start to initiate it. With partner - even the smallest things have deep meaning, so my fear grows. Every little thing can be a symptom of rejection. I get more and more paranoid. And I'm either become aggressive, start to beg the partner not to leave me or leave him myself.
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby julllia » Tue Feb 14, 2017 12:11 am

^omg I feel exactly like that. Not only about someone leaving me or changing his mind or lying. But I always expect something bad to happen at any moment and I must be prepared and I can never feel safe.
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby BirdieUnPar » Thu Feb 16, 2017 11:36 am

Thank you so much for the responses.

In terms of the "ready to run" situation, could that actually feel like >wanting< to run away? Wanting to get away from people and your life? (and I think really, the responsibilities for your actions)

Also, would a person "dropping" people, even immensely important people they truly love, as soon as they make them feel bad about themselves be a symptom?
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby iate » Thu Feb 16, 2017 7:08 pm

BirdieUnPar wrote:In terms of the "ready to run" situation, could that actually feel like >wanting< to run away? Wanting to get away from people and your life? (and I think really, the responsibilities for your actions)


I sometimes do. Sometimes I get the feeling that people around me are useless, they give me nothing, I don't need them and they don't need me as well. I dream of moving away to another country and not telling ANYONE. And start totally new (ofc better life). But then - it's only thinking. I've never done that and I guess I'll never do. What's more - I don't think it's abnormal - I guess everyone has such thoughts from time to time.

However, there are also moments when somebody, especially someone who I'm romantically interested, shows a great amount of affection towards me. And it's horrible. I instantly feel sick, want to run away from this person and never see him again. I find him repulsing at instant, it's so terribly suffocating feeling.I feel totally empty and want to get out as soon as possible. Like someone wants emotions from me that I don't feel to have, I also feel my stomach ache. Once I tried running away via the window in a restaurant toilet. But it wouldn't open :?

BirdieUnPar wrote:Also, would a person "dropping" people, even immensely important people they truly love, as soon as they make them feel bad about themselves be a symptom?


I've heard about pwBPD doing that permanently, but in my case I only push people for a limited amount of time, since I quickly change mood and my anger can be gone after days/hours, sometimes even after minutes.
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Re: Understanding BPD

Postby julllia » Thu Feb 16, 2017 7:54 pm

This is why I think is compulsion. I have left people I adored while feeling like dying leaving. like I was afraid something and had to do it. But this is rare.
Usually I devalue and do not care,I am convinced now that I am more self aware that the other doesn't care and I should leave. I am not delusional,the other doesn't care
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