does she know that i accept her for her?

I dated a woman suffering from BPD for maybe 6 weeks. She ended things maybe 3 months ago. I am having a hard time letting go and am not convinced by the answers I have gotten elsewhere, so I'm coming here because I have seen a lot I can relate to from posters here.
She described an internal conflict to me when things were starting to end, that she felt freaked out but didn't want to. Then it became a sort of numb and fatalistic vibe, and just not wanting to talk anymore.
Am I deluded to think that part of what happened was an intimacy/engulfment fear? I brought up exclusivity and it did not go over well.
I just felt such a connection, and it is hard for me to let go, and when she and my therapist and doctor, and a lot of literature all say we were just idealizing each other. That would imply that I was not seeing her or trying to see her for her full self. On the contrary, I saw a lot of "good" and "bad" things we both had in common. I wanted to be there for her and it helped me love my own sensitivity etc.
Sorry, just rambling here, but it's just if she ever wanted me to just love and accept her as she is, sign me up, because she is one of the coolest people I know, and once I learned where she was coming from, I could really identify. I am not diagnosed BPD, but MDD and deal with similar issues.
She had a history pf dating emotionally unavailable partners, and I think liked the idea of someone she related to more, but then she was put off by some of my vulnerabilities and insecurities. It has been difficult to get a lot of feedback from my doctor etc that I'm not strong enough essentially. While I want to be more evolved as a person than I am today, I am resistant to this idea of "strength" and maybe concept of masculinity. I want an equal partnership.
Sorry I am just kind of rambling. It's difficult because I want to respect her and take what she said at face value, but she seemed confused at times too. It's hard to let go of the connection that was there before it seemed like fear arose. People change their minds too, and that's okay, but part of me kept thinking she just wanted to know I cared. I don't plan on contacting her again for a number of reasons, but mostly I do not want to disrespect her wishes. I just think beyond any disorder etc there was a real connection between us. This is definitely my issue. I am just really sad. I don't care much about sex etc--I just wanna feel close I guess. But it seems to trigger her that I like her so much.
Ah, if you can find the question in here, thanks! Haha. Just wondering if anyone experienced somethijg similar. Been hard to find understanding, even from my mental health professionals.

Is it not possible that due to her BPD, and no fault of yours, she has devalued you and wants nothing to do with you any more? Three months is ample time to communicate with you if she were interested in resuming her relation with you, don't you think? Perhaps it would be better for you to give up on her and move on?

helloagain,

Thanks for your reply! Yes, what you say is definitely possible. I don't think she wants anything to do with me, and I don't expect anything. However, I can't see how it is just due to her BPD, though I am definitely not saying you are wrong--I just can't see it that way. I think she devalued me for legitimate reasons based on what she knew would work for her on her path to recovery. Her criticisms of me being too needy or sensitive were not entirely inaccurate. She was right in saying she needs someone more emotionally stable, and most professional sources indicate as much, so it's been tough to learn that I essentially am too weak. I think it just is hard to get over because I felt we were allowed to be our full selves at times around each other, and I have only felt such an intimacy and understanding of another person once before in my life.

You are right though--I know I need to move on. I believe I lack the skills or will to do so, or something--not really sure. I just read accounts of people with BPD just wanting to be loved and understood, and I really wanted to provide that, because I understand how it feels.

Ag, sorry, I know you're right though. Thank you for your input!

I wish someone accepted me for me.

Well I was in very similar situation. But from the other side - I have BPD and my ex had MDD while we were together. I've just written a post about in in other thread.

Of course I don't know what your ex felt ect., but I guess I can relate to her a lot. So yes, it is very hard to be accepted, no matter how stupid it sounds. It's, to be honest, kind of scary even. It's like suffocating.

tanelx wrote:
She had a history pf dating emotionally unavailable partners, and I think liked the idea of someone she related to more, but then she was put off by some of my vulnerabilities and insecurities. It has been difficult to get a lot of feedback from my doctor etc that I'm not strong enough essentially. While I want to be more evolved as a person than I am today, I am resistant to this idea of "strength" and maybe concept of masculinity. I want an equal partnership.

From my point of view (I guess few people here would agree with me) - equal partnership is just not the thing that I'd look for. I mean, ok, this concept is quite cool as theory, but then again - I have BPD and I am not stable. Letting me be equal to my partner is like begging for the relationship to be at least 50% unstable. Also - now I'm more aware of what I can do to other people. And how I am perfectly capable of breaking others. If my partner is sensitive then it only means that I would break and destroy him easier. That's just no good. And since my ex also had MDD - I saw him as a vulnerable person. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him, yet I knew that I won't be able to control myself forever. So at the end of the day - the relationship would end badly for him anyway.
Last but not least - personally I love emotionally strong people. It gives me the feeling of safety. I couldn't feel safe with somebody, who has serious emotional problems himself.

But remember - it's only my personal opinion.

Sadly, I have been attracting Narcissists.

Hi Tanelx

I'm a "non" and have two uBPD exs. One of the hardest things for the "non" to get over is how deeply we fell for them. Whether it was mirroring that made us fall in love with ourselves or we saw how special they where I don't know. Maybe a mixture (still trying to work it out for myself some years later).

I'm a logical guy and like to look at facts. One thing that helped me was an article on love addiction. When we fall in love we start getting more of the feel good hormones like oxytocin and serotonin. We fall so intensely that the level of these hormones are quite high. We become addicted to them.

http://www.sciencealert.com/this-is-wha ... art-broken

This article tells how someone heartbroken post breakup has a similar brain chemistry to that of someone going through cocaine withdrawal.

The other thing that a "non" finds hard is how we went from the love of their life to not existing. A lot of "non" sites will say its because pwBPD have no empathy or you didn't matter but I don't think its the case. Maybe like in the case of my exgf it was easier due to the amount of relationships she has had so she was practiced in breakups but it still hurt her. As others including your ex has said you and your ex probably weren't a good fit and she realised that. It doesn't mean you mean nothing to her. I know my exgf is bad for me and I would never get back with her but it still doesn't stop me from loving her.

silkysandpaper wrote:I wish someone accepted me for me.

And when you find them, make sure you let them know who you really are, if you keep the mask on they won't be able to find the real you to love you like you deserve to be loved.

Take care

(SIGH)

silkysandpaper wrote:(SIGH)

I know it's hard to believe when you've been where you are for a while, but there's always a new day tomorrow and even if it's only a little bit better, if that happens every couple of day it'll get you where you need to be.