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Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

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Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby triplemoon18 » Tue Jan 10, 2017 7:11 pm

Well I have been with my fiance for 4.5 years and I thought I had gotten really good at not being borderline with him, but it seems I have been borderline about it with my own children.

When I met my fiance, we dated for three years and had a schedule where I saw him on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays or Sundays, depending on if he had his daughter that weekend. It worked for us because I knew when I would see him and didn't have to feel abandoned. We get along really well and I have only had my pure BPD rage about 5 times in all of these years with him - for important things like when I wanted us to quit drinking for good.

So we moved in a year and a half ago and I mostly spend my time in the living room with him in the evenings and a lot of the weekend. My daughters are 16 and have said that they hate me spending all of my time with him, but we have always said they are welcome to join us, that we are only watching movies. I would usually do activities with them on the weekends he had his daughter over.

Well my fiance's daughter and I developed a relationship and now she wants to spend her whole weekend with me. She will come looking for me when I am doing yoga and she will follow me around even when I am cleaning. She likes to help me bake, make soap, just about anything and I was flattered that a child that wasn't mine enjoyed spending time with me.

Well my girls have noticed and gotten more vocal about it, being jealous of our relationship and I didn't really see it until New Year's Eve. My girls were gone visiting friends all weekend and my fiance's daughter was over and I ended up watching a Disney movie with her, colouring with her and entertaining her all day. Her dad took her out for about an hour and said he was "giving me a break".

Well the next day was another day with just he and my stepdaughter and I was hating it - I resented her calling for me and expecting me to entertain her and I wanted my girls to come home. They finally did and I was glad they were home and I could chat with them, even arguing with them about chores seemed fun.

A week later, I guess the dam burst and I finally knew what i was feeling because after getting mad at my daughters for not getting their chores done when they had all afternoon and evening, I then got pissed off at my fiance about his daughter. I reminded him that she is HIS daughter, so he wasn't giving me a break and if he is bored with her, that is his problem - I raised my 3 kids on my own.

I really did not see why my girls were so jealous and upset before - it was like I had blinders on and I was so happy to have my fiance, that I wasn't seeing that my girls had a right to spend more time with me than we have been and that my fiance should be entertaining his daughter himself, not me.

Incidentally, we have tried to do something with all 3 of the girls - but even going to the zoo or a walk in the woods has made his daughter cry constantly.

I really felt like I had some BPD filter on and did not see why my girls were so upset and now it is all I can think about. I feel like my fiance has finally fallen off his pedestal and he isn't this super sweet, calm and good natured man anymore. I see him as selfish to think his daughter was more important than my girls. We had had an argument before because he felt that I spent so much time off with my girls and in his ideal world, I would be spending more time with he and his daughter.

We have spoken at length about it and yes we plan on making major changes, like him taking her on outings so that I can have the house to hang out with my girls. And I am going to wean her off spending so much time with me.

I feel really resentful now and I can't believe it took me so long to see this - God I feel so blind!
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby triplemoon18 » Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:15 pm

Well nobody replied to my post - just wondering if having blinders on is a typical borderline symptom - not being able to see what people are trying to make you see until you are able to see it?
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby Echinacea » Wed Jan 11, 2017 3:11 pm

Hey triplemoon
Sorry, i only just seen your post

it was like I had blinders on and I was so happy to have my fiance,

I was very much the same, do you feel that your fiance is your FB (Favorite person) ?

This makes sense to me ..coz i was like this too...not neglectful but put my relationship on a pedestal.
For me i deliberately dont chose guys with children because of this exact reason. i know it will seen odd to others (if they dont do it) but for me i do...i avoid triggers wherever possible and that works for me.

it isnt your job to entertain his daughter but as a package it is "expected" as he comes as a package same as you come as a package, ofc its natural to get irritated if you feel like you do more of the work with his daughter than he does.

i would talk it out with him and see if he can help more, i know you have had some talks about it but communication is the best way (IMO)

As you know, my irritation is "mother in laws" ;)
But i am learning to "share" i think im redeeming myself ...and learning in the process

Life lessons are hard to see sometimes thats for sure

triplemoon18 wrote:Well nobody replied to my post - just wondering if having blinders on is a typical borderline symptom - not being able to see what people are trying to make you see until you are able to see it?


For me, i idolize my man, is that "typical BPD" im not sure. but self realization nevertheless is important so its a good thing..i believe :wink:
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby triplemoon18 » Wed Jan 11, 2017 4:03 pm

Thanks Echinecea - yes my fiance is my favourite person - he normally never pushes my buttons and seems so perfect that when he screws up, it really upsets me. It is like I cannot believe he is human and able to act selfishly or something - I just always think he is always looking after my best interests because he usually is.

We spoke more about it last night and he is recognizing that he was allowing me to spend more time with her and that I have not been able to see my daughters often unless we leave the house, so he is going to start taking his 9 year old daughter out more.

I think the reason our relationship works is that he has no people/friends/family to make me feel abandoned, but he also had no hobbies/interests when I met him either. He was a work all day, get to bed early and do it all over again the next day. He really led a boring life before he met me and I think he likes the craziness of my daughters and I because we are anything but boring.

One of my daughters said I should find someone more like me cuz he has no life but me, but my other daughter recognized that having a calm, even tempered guy helps me to be calmer.

We ended up getting an Xbox 360 last night to see if that can be his new hobby that he can get into when I am not around. He really finds the house quiet when the girls and I leave and cannot wait for us to get back home.
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby Echinacea » Wed Jan 11, 2017 4:41 pm

Anytime ;)

Yes seems like, you have work more out now, thats good.
Xbox is a great hobby to have together ..ha ha offline no others for his attention to be distracted (know what i mean) ? ;)

Its it possible you can get an outside hobby together too?
Xbox is great (we had this hobby too) but inside isnt always the best choice ;)

Its great that he sees what you are saying now, and is prepared to do more with his daughter (gives you a well earned break) parenting is hard for most of us so help is needed definitely.

Edit for more

We ended up getting an Xbox 360 last night to see if that can be his new hobby that he can get into when I am not around. He really finds the house quiet when the girls and I leave and cannot wait for us to get back home.

Ah ..just reread your post. are you trying to get him to do more things without you? has he got the unhealthy attachment ?
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby triplemoon18 » Wed Jan 11, 2017 4:46 pm

We are really homebodies, but I did get him to go to a museum last weekend. He has a hard time agreeing to try new things - just going to pick a restaurant he is hemming and hawing about whether we should eat there or not. I like to mix things up and try new foods, activities etc. When I met him, I could hardly get him to leave his apartment or go past the bar where we met nearby. I keep thinking he has an opposite type of personality disorder, but I haven't figured it out yet. I guess he has just been a real loner since he left high school.
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby Echinacea » Wed Jan 11, 2017 5:04 pm

triplemoon18 wrote:We are really homebodies, but I did get him to go to a museum last weekend. He has a hard time agreeing to try new things - just going to pick a restaurant he is hemming and hawing about whether we should eat there or not. I like to mix things up and try new foods, activities etc. When I met him, I could hardly get him to leave his apartment or go past the bar where we met nearby. I keep thinking he has an opposite type of personality disorder, but I haven't figured it out yet. I guess he has just been a real loner since he left high school.


Possibly yes,
my ex "was the same" i say was because i got him out and about in nature (he loves walks and nature and camp fires) so we went out a night made coffee in the woods and just chatted. its actually one of the things i miss the most . its ok to be a cozy homely person as long as your happy and content, were as my ex knew he was hiding away with anxiety that he knew he had to make the effort to "try" and he is glad he did, he is more confident know and he goes to see friends that he didnt do for years coz of his fears and such. i have seen a great change in my ex and i like it ;)

thats really why i mentioned it, because sometime it just takes a little supportive (push) to get them to see that is good to get out and stuff. (maybe museum wasn't his thing) ?

You know i use my own "analogies" to explain what im trying to say ..ofc your guy may be totally different than my experience with mine ex and your guy may have other things going on so i cant say can i for certain ;)
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby triplemoon18 » Wed Jan 11, 2017 5:24 pm

He actually really liked the museum, I am not sure why he barely leaves our neighbourhood - he is friendly and works all over our city for work and meets new people daily and gets along well with them too.

We have more trouble getting outside now because it's winter - we do more in the warmer weather like bike rides, tennis, walks, the beach. We are also going to get a car and he seems more open to exploring totally new places than our own backyard because he was happily exploring this small town when we rented a car last summer - I even got him to window shop for of couple hours.
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Re: Still totally borderline in my romantic relationship

Postby Echinacea » Wed Jan 11, 2017 5:42 pm

triplemoon18 wrote:He actually really liked the museum, I am not sure why he barely leaves our neighbourhood - he is friendly and works all over our city for work and meets new people daily and gets along well with them too.

We have more trouble getting outside now because it's winter - we do more in the warmer weather like bike rides, tennis, walks, the beach. We are also going to get a car and he seems more open to exploring totally new places than our own backyard because he was happily exploring this small town when we rented a car last summer - I even got him to window shop for of couple hours.


That cool, i dont mind being wrong about the museum :P
Maybe it is the fact of the car then...i know my ex would go no where if he didn't have a car (where we live you have to have a car) he drives to the walking place then walks then drives back.

He seems a busy busy bee and maybe he just likes to kick back and chill-out when he gets home then (i believe thats ok)

Yes winter has in some cases limitations (i live in a ski village) so its kinda the opposite for people here , everyone has a reason for how they like things to be i guess and thats fine as long as all are happy and able to communicate

I even got him to window shop for of couple hours.


ha ha impressive, nice job ;)
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