Where to Begin

I feel like I have to warn about this post first. It's going to be long, and this problem is going to be ongoing. I have trouble keeping anything I write short, but I'll really try to keep it as short as I can!!

I met a friend of mine over two and a half years ago, and he has been living with me for over two years. When we first met, he was into me, but I didn't feel the same. That changed, but by that point, he didn't want to jeopardize the friendship. He suspected, but didn't know, that I still had feelings for him, until I stupidly told him in April. Things have been different, of course, which is why I didn't want to tell him in the first place, but a few friends kept encouraging me to in case he felt the same way (I knew he didn't, but I told him anyway).

We recently had an argument, and my feelings for him came up again. He hasn't dated anyone, knowing that it would hurt me. I mentioned that I would not be able to handle him dating someone while he was living here, and he realized that staying here means he can never date. He is now looking for somewhere else to live.

I've been worried about this day since the day he moved in. Literally. There has not been a week (usually day, but there have been a few times where I was handling life well for a few days at a time) where I haven't thought about it.

This might not happen for six months. I'm not sure if this is better or worse. I've known that it would have to happen- he can't stay stuck here, not in a relationship for the rest of his life, but that doesn't take the pain away. I think it is a good thing for him. But it's killing me, and I can't talk about it with him because it's something he has to do, and I don't want to make him feel guilty for it.

I am very nervous about my mental state and reactions over the upcoming weeks or months. I have not been doing well to begin with, and what I've been dreading for so long is coming true.

He used to be very reassuring and helpful to me, but lately he's been judgmental and uncaring. I've noticed something has been up, but he kept telling me everything was fine, which makes me crazy when I know everything is not fine. We had a fight today, and it finally came out that he might be subconsciouly distancing himself from me, which makes sense. I've been doing the same with him, knowing that he's going to leave. I've been bouncing back and forth between disliking him and loving him, which is the true emotion, although I really don't like him at all during the times when I'm feeling that way.

He did reassure me that although it feels like an end, I can still hang out with him, we'll still be friends, etc. I think that he's just saying that. I usually have a hard time believing that he cares about me (as a friend) now, much less when he's gone. He often doesn't feel well and doesn't want company, and I'm going to become company. We've had so many days where we just stay home and feel like crap together, days where we just joke around all day, days where we talk about serious stuff, anything. I can't believe this is happening.

I have been trying to think of the positive aspects of this, but they're all easily negated. The only one positive is that I could date, but I really can't do that. Nobody is going to want me. I'm crazy, I'm not much fun, I have fibromyalgia that makes me feel like $#%^ all the time, and I have a bad stomach on top of it all. Who wants that? I feel guilty even looking for someone because nobody should have to be stuck with me. I have a few redeeming qualities, but I don't think they outweigh the bad.

To tie back to the beginning of the post, I deleted like six paragraphs of backstory and this is still a novel.