Do I have BPD?

I joined this forum only today because I need some help here. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder just over a year ago but I believe I've been dealing with it for at least four years. CBT, fluoxetine and other treatments have done absolutely nothing for me and I've been gradually getting worse. I attempted suicide through overdose in July of this year and stayed in hospital overnight. But no other help has been offered to me despite my pleas, so I'm really not sure what to do about my life now. Nobody in my life is actually willing to help me, yet they complain when I have a bad day.
I've been researching BPD over the past few weeks and I'm almost 100% sure. I've done a couple of online tests for it (obviously these cannot diagnose, just give you a basic idea of the outcome of diagnosis) and for each and every one I have gotten the result of 'severe borderline personality disorder.' If this is what I do have then there's no way I could get a diagnosis, as my parents refuse to discuss my mental state with me and it took me four years to actually get them to accept that I'm depressed. My dad actually told me today that 'I'm not depressed, just sad.' Despite the fact that he was there when I got my diagnosis of severe depression! What I'm writing now is not explaining me enough, so I'm going to go through the symptoms of BPD and how they apply to me.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

This one doesn't apply to me as much as others do, but it's still an issue. I often feel as if people are on the verge of giving up on me. I sometimes start arguments just to get my parents to realise that I'm there, while worrying that if I don't show them enough attention they'll forget about me and send me to live somewhere else. The thought of them paying no attention to me makes me utterly terrified, but the attention that I do get is not always positive. I often worry that I'll wake up one day and everything and everyone I have in my life will disappear. I don't know whether that's what it's describing, but there you go I guess.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.


Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self.

Deciding who and what I am changes daily - some days I know exactly who I am, my future career plans, who my friends are, my family, where my life will go, etc etc...other days I fear that I'm a completely different person. I have a ton of self-esteem issues, yet these change day by day depending on who I feel I am. For example - one day I'll be attacking myself over my weight, and the next I'll believe that it's a good thing to be 'fat' because it's part of who I am, despite knowing deep down that it's not. My opinion of myself and my personality changes all the time, throughout the day even. This morning I thought that perhaps I was some sort of reincarnation of a murderer because of certain homicidal feelings (I have no idea if that's a BPD thing or something to be discussed elsewhere) and I followed that belief into the afternoon, seriously thinking it. Until it got to this evening and I realised that it's very unlikely to be true. So today I'm back to my 'I'm just a complete messed up idiot' thing.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating.)

I binge eat daily if I have the access to food and will eat until I'm on the verge of throwing up. It's more or less an addiction. I often drink over ten litres of water a day in the hope that it'll numb me, which it often does as I lose electrolytes and emotion as a result. I deliberately starve myself for hours only to binge later on. I have no concept of money and if left to my own devices with 100 quid I'd spend it all in a day. Nobody trusts me to actually look after myself as a result. I think part of me hopes that I'll die as a result.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

Self harm has been a recurrent issue for me over the past few years and still continues to be one today. I wouldn't say I've ever been addicted to self harming and I can make the conscious effort not to cut or bruise myself. However I have nights where I just lose it and cut myself, always regretting it afterwards. I only regret doing it though because then I'm unable to wear anything short (I usually pick my arms or my inner calves to injure) and have to cover up, even in the hottest weather. I've threatened suicide and self harm to my parents to stop punishment such as removing technology - my computer and phone are the only things that can comfort me, but I doubt I'd self injure if they were only removed for a short time. As mentioned before I attempted suicide in July. I've had two previous attempts before that also, and one almost attempt that would have killed me. There was a point a few months ago where I lined up three bottles of bleach in my bedroom and was caught before I drank them. I have suicidal thoughts every day of my life and regularly think of suicide at nighttime. The only think stopping me is the fact that I have nothing to do it with - any sort of weapon has been taken off me and I'm handed my pills rather than just having the whole packet now. I once attempted to cut off my own eyelid because it was making me uncomfortable.

Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.)

I have intense mood swings that rarely last an hour or more. I will go from hyper and energetic to screaming and crying in seconds. A simple negative thought can trigger it and often after a bad argument I'll suddenly become manic. I sometimes have days where I refuse to discuss anything with anyone, and doing so makes me too anxious to function. I go from agreeing with an opinion to getting violent about it in a second. I have times where I feel completely empty and numb, so depressed that I can do nothing but stare at an inanimate object and feel sorry for myself. Hours later, I'll wonder why I felt that way and think of myself as silly. And then it'll happen again. Nobody knows how to deal with my mood swings, and neither do I.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Unless I'm dealing with some sort of debate or argument, I feel constantly empty. Shouting and screaming is the only way to release this weird sinking feeling within me. It's difficult to describe - it's sort of like having a see-through rock in your stomach. You can break off parts of that rock by trying to heighten your emotions. But eventually it always collects again. It sounds very odd, but that's how I'd describe it. I've felt that way for at least five years. I used to always be called bubbly and loud, but now people have suggested that I'm shy and withdrawn, which is a result of my emptiness I guess.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights.

I get angry very easily if I'm challenged, and I really struggle to control it. Any little thing like the chewing of food or a conversation gone a bit south can set me off. I'm very sensitive to criticism and any sort can get me wired. I haven't physically fought anyone apart from a few harsh fights with my brother at a younger age. I have never physically attacked my parents or anyone outside of my family. When I get very angry I'll slam doors, throw things, and scream until I lose my voice. The end of an argument is usually accompanied by tears because I can't believe I got so angry. When irritable I snap very easily.

Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms.

I have frequent paranoid thoughts when in school and in town about being attacked. I feel very unsafe in public buildings and constantly feel like somebody could just lash out, whether it be verbally or physically. As a result of this I deliberately numb myself and try and tell myself that I shouldn't care if I'm attacked or not. Returning from a place like this makes me stay in my room for the entire evening, only leaving for food. I don't talk to people if I don't have to and try and stay as passive as I can in an attempt to look innocent. I know that it's stupid to think that I'm in danger, but I can't help it.

Please be 100% honest on whether you think this may be what I'm dealing with, or whether it's just depression/something other. I don't expect to try and be diagnosed but I'd like to know whether you think I should bring up BPD with my parents and see if I can get help with it. I really need some help and support with my life right now and I'm not getting any. I'm not taken seriously by anyone and as a result I don't feel I can discuss my issues with anyone but the people of the internet. It's fear of ridicule - I've been laughed at by my parents and friends before for suggesting that I feel a certain way. Any help would be appreciated - thank you to anyone who responds.

If you say CBT and antidepressants have not helped you, then I think that your parents might be right - you might just be somewhat melancholic. Have you tried losing some of that fat? I'm not an expert on this since I have been slim all my life, but maybe being overweight could result in you having some health problems that are affecting your mood and self-esteem.

As for you having BPD, it's difficult to tell, the major indicator of BPD is the relationship problems. Have you ever been in a relationship? Romantic or platonic?

The reason for not having lost any weight is because I can never keep it up for long enough. I have a blatant addiction to binging and I can't seem to get myself out of it, regardless of what I try and do about it. I've only been in one romantic relationship before which lasted only a couple of months because of distance. I suppose that doesn't really tell you enough about me. BPD is the only real thing I can see myself as having now and I'm just desperate for some sort of answer. Thanks for replying, anyways.

I've just realised that I never filled in the part about interpersonal relationships. Sorry.

Your relationship history/pattern is one of the main diagnosing factors of BPD as told to me by the doctor who diagnosed me recently... it doesn't sound like you have the pattern for it, however, it is also true that you do not have to have every symptom of BPD to have BPD. It's a wide-ranging disorder with many types of symptoms from people who have it. You mention your parents a lot, and strained relationships with parents/difficulties with friends and family while growing up is often one of the criteria for diagnosis as well. Not trying to scare you, but it's definitely worth mentioning that you think it might be BPD to your doctor. A good doctor would at least investigate the possibility. Nobody knows you better than you know yourself and if you feel your diagnosis doesn't fit you then it may not be correct. As a random internet person :p I wouldn't want to comment on if I thought you had BPD or not and send you in the wrong direction as I'm not a doctor, really the best advice I could give is find a doctor who listens to what you have to say and if your parents don't support you then seek help on your own rather than suffering because they try to downplay your symptoms. What you describe should be taken seriously and not ignored. Best of luck to you

Thank you both for your responses - I do have quite a strained relationship with my family and I often feel very alone in their presence. I'll mention it to them and see what they say. Last time I mentioned possibly having something to my therapist (binge eating disorder) she instantly told me that I didn't, despite having every symptom of it. So I've been quite hesitant to talk as of late. I've just gotta hope that this goes well...