Our partner

What do you think of this breakup email?

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby UKGeordieLass » Wed Oct 12, 2016 11:28 am

Anyone who's been following my blog will know that I've had the typical stormy BPD relationship with my partner of 7 months. After some space apart I've finally decided to call it quits as romantic partners. Here's the email I have written. Critiques appreciated!

I hate writing these emails. I put in effort, knowing it will likely fall upon deaf ears, but write it I must before the storm hits (we are entering the second half of my cycle and I already feel a little turning of the tide, so I wanted to write this whilst my head was still somewhat content and logical). [I'm talking PMS here people].

Now, onto business:

I have surprised myself with how readily I accepted the end of 'us' and indeed the possibility of never seeing you again. Don't get me wrong, the first three days were extremely hard: I cried. I had sleepless nights. I tormented myself about [the baby I aborted] over and over. I lamented to mum. I'm not going to lie, it was hell. But I've traveled this road numerous times before when I thought we were splitting previously, so I know the drill. Now I'm out the other side of the grieving process and just starting to see the possibilities. I'm back to being that girl you met in March. The girl who got genuinely excited about pressure sensors.

At one point (about a month ago, around the time we lay naked on the sofa, bodies pressed together watching Stranger Things) I wanted nothing more than to start a family with you, marry you, never sleep with another man, never kiss another man for as long as I lived. I fantasized about a safe and loving family life with you, [list of my kids, his kid and the one we fantasised about having together]. The feeling was pure contentment and excitement.

But I was living in a Disney fantasyland. I was clinging to a vision of what *I* wanted our relationship to be like, rather than appreciating how it actually was.

Only now, after being apart, can I see how unforgiving that environment was. The pressure to perform, the feeling that I was never "good enough", that you were never satisfied no matter how hard I tried, that there was always something I could be improving about myself, in other words: that I simply couldn't just relax and be me, flaws and all. That was an anxious rollercoaster of an existence.

I'm off the rollercoaster now. I'm actually....*whispers it so as not to jinx*... enjoying life. I'm making mistakes (binges) but I'm not beating myself up about it because, guess what, I only have myself to answer to. "So what, you binged, no big deal, you have so much fantastic things in your life that binging is inconsequential" I say to myself. It's liberating. The feeling that I'm not letting anyone down, not disappointing someone; that I can simply live my life and succeed *on my terms*. I love it. I'm not scared anymore. I feel "good enough" just as I am. I cannot over-emphasize the feeling of comfort and relief that comes with the recognition that if I mess up, the only person it has consequence for is me.

I surround myself with people ([list of family and friends]) that offer support and advice, but don't lecture. When I binge or freak-out they sympathise with my plight but realise this is my battle and my personal ###$ do not reflect on them. They let me be me, imperfect, flawed, and they still love me. It's nice, - joyful even.

That's not to say that you and I didn't experience joy together. We had a special and unique connection, very different from any connection I've had with anyone in my life. You understood me, you got under my skin. You're the only person that could turn me from deep sadness - to tears of hilarity in a matter of seconds. Our connection is powerful, passionate, volatile. It truly is an unspeakable force. I am reluctant to erase that connection from my life altogether.

I think we need to re-envisage how we perceive our relationship. I sincerely believe that we would make much better friends (perhaps even "with benefits") than spouses.

My idea of a spouse is one of: safety, comfort, acceptance, routine, companionship.

You and I are: competition, stimulation, banter, passion, playfulness.

Both are awesome relationships. But different. You cannot put a square peg in a round hole.

I love you. I find you handsome, adorable, exciting, magnetic. But I don't feel accepted as spouse-material. I'm tired of trying to be someone else. I feel hurt and resentful at the pressure I feel from you to change when I'm actually pretty awesome and acceptable as I am (my imperfect evolving self).

I want us to be the best friends I know we can be.
UKGeordieLass
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2016 4:27 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (5)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby Jasmer » Wed Oct 12, 2016 1:08 pm

I think breakups ought to be done in person, not over email. You begin your email mentioning starting your cycle and PMS, and with that in mind I would actually wait until it's over completely, and then re-visit the breakup idea.

I would also make it more concise. Keep it simple. You don't have to justify your feelings or bring up every slight and injury to prove anything. Breakups suck no matter how gently the news is given or how thoroughly explained the reasons are, he's going to be hurt, and all the extra information will just feel like insult added to injury and blame shifting.
Dx: NPD, PTSD
Jasmer
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1227
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 1:28 am
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 2:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby angelinbluejeans » Wed Oct 12, 2016 8:21 pm

I agree with Jasmer...that this should be done in person only (breakups should not be done by text, email, etc).
'do not hold back good from those to whom it is owing, when it happens to be in the power of your hand to do it' "To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic ones"
angelinbluejeans
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1608
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 4:10 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 2:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby jerboa » Fri Oct 14, 2016 11:34 am

If you want my honest feedback, here it is:

1. Don't write personal emails to people in a literary style. That's ridiculous and will make the other person think you don't respect them enough to treat them like a live person. Or that you're insane.
2. It's way too long. You're wasting people's time and suggesting you don't respect them enough to care if they have better things to do.
3. In the very first sentences, you immediately start blaming the reader for things they haven't even done yet, accusing them of wasting your efforts and ignoring your email.
4. What made you think mentioning PMS in the first paragraph was a good idea?
5. "Now, onto business" after this kind of introduction sounds plain rude.
6. In the third paragraph, you start describing your feelings as if the reader was dying to know this.
7. In later paragraphs you are blaming the reader for the breakup, because you were the good one, trying oh so hard to please them, and the partner was the bad one with too many demands.
8. *whispers it so as not to jinx* sounds very rude.
9. In the "I'm off the rollercoaster" paragraph, it just sounds like you're desperately trying to act like you're doing great now that you're no longer his victim (again suggesting that the reader wronged you in some way and should be ashamed of themselves).
10. After throwing all this $#%^ at the reader, you end the essay with the suggestion that you become best friends.

If it's your intention to piss off your partner, and maybe amuse them, go ahead and send it. Otherwise, delete it.

On a side note, I wonder if it's a British thing to flaunt one's knowledge of literary language on every possible occasion. I used to work for a British cinema chain and the vast majority of emails were written by illiterate British and Indian "pls do the needful" people, the rest were beautifully-written poems and essays about a lack of hot dogs on their recent visit. That's just so incredibly pretentious.
jerboa
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1768
Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2016 7:02 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby UKGeordieLass » Fri Oct 14, 2016 12:14 pm

Thanks guys.

jerboa wrote:
1. Don't write personal emails to people in a literary style.


What alternative style is there? :?


jerboa wrote:3. In the very first sentences, you immediately start blaming the reader for things they haven't even done yet, accusing them of wasting your efforts and ignoring your email.


He's done this previously. It's a valid prediction.

jerboa wrote:4. What made you think mentioning PMS in the first paragraph was a good idea?


To explain my timing. To get this out of the way before the storm begins. So he can't pin this on PMS because it hasn't hit yet.

jerboa wrote:6. In the third paragraph, you start describing your feelings as if the reader was dying to know this.


This is classic BPD behaviour, right?

You make some valid points however surely when ending a long-term relationship, sharing of the feels is warranted?

jerboa wrote:7. In later paragraphs you are blaming the reader for the breakup, because you were the good one, trying oh so hard to please them, and the partner was the bad one with too many demands.


Yep, he was. That's how I feel.

jerboa wrote:9. In the "I'm off the rollercoaster" paragraph, it just sounds like you're desperately trying to act like you're doing great now that you're no longer his victim (again suggesting that the reader wronged you in some way and should be ashamed of themselves).


We've broken up and got back together so many times but never had prolonged absence from each other - until now. That paragraph is true.

jerboa wrote:10. After throwing all this $#%^ at the reader, you end the essay with the suggestion that you become best friends.


Hey, I threw a lot of nice $#%^ in there too :lol:

jerboa wrote:That's just so incredibly pretentious.


I'm an academic. Maybe that's why I write this way. It works well in my profession and I can't easily switch it off (nor do I really want to tbh).

But seriously, thanks for taking the time to give feedback. Much appreciated.
UKGeordieLass
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2016 4:27 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (5)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby Casper » Fri Oct 14, 2016 1:18 pm

I agree with the others that it's best to do it in person. Breakups, though never perfect, are best done face-to-face, unless there's some safety reason that would dictate otherwise.

However, if a letter is necessary, keep it short an concise. You were right - you're definitely an academic! This is one of those times where it works against you, though. He's going to be hurt already, so keep the phrases short and simple; he may take the language as you exerting superiority over him, kicking him while he's down.

It's the old adage of removing a band-aid; most would rather have it removed quickly than slowly. It'll hurt either way, but the theory is that it hurts for less time when it isn't drawn out.

Just my two cents. Sorry, no refunds...
Casper
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3244
Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 3:17 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 5:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby Echinacea » Sat Oct 15, 2016 9:52 am

I echo the others in regards to email closure ...
jerboa wrote:
6. In the third paragraph, you start describing your feelings as if the reader was dying to know this.

This is classic BPD behaviour, right?

Overshare ..i do it all the time, right or wrong i do it, i cant help myself though i am trying not to do it now because its not needed to get my points across and to be honest its a lot of unnecessary effort ;)

For me, save draft and i would wait until you PMS is over and if you still feel this way without needing to edit then i would call/skype call him, Email breakups are cowardly in my opinion (sorry) but my ex did it this way coz he couldnt say it to my face/voice..and thats all i see him as a coward.

Respect him as a human being, he deserves it right?
User avatar
Echinacea
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 6804
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2015 1:23 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby Littlemy » Sat Oct 15, 2016 10:37 am

No, don't send it.
I'm not going to critique it line by line but - on the one hand it's a break up and on the other hand your suggesting best friends, with benefits? So, what would be different? It sounds like you're offering to downgrade yourself, in order to keep him in your life. Maybe this is the bpd speaking - it's the fear of abandonment leading you to suggest that you'll accept any crumbs order to avoid the pain of a real breakup. Been there, done that myself. Trying to avoid the pain of the breakup in this way will only lead to more pain down the road. It's a waste of time. Rip off the bandaid; cut contact.
Please, be a friend to yourself, let this guy, who is not treating you well, go.
Feel your feelings, and write them down, but don't share them with him; he doesn't deserve it and won't appreciate them.
Littlemy
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 8:29 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby UKGeordieLass » Sat Oct 15, 2016 11:17 am

[quote="Echinacea":#######1] i am trying not to do it now because its not needed to get my points across [/quote:#######1]

You see, I worry the other person won't understand me unless I let them know [i:#######1]exactly[/i:#######1] what I'm feeling.
UKGeordieLass
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2016 4:27 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (5)

Re: What do you think of this breakup email?

Postby Echinacea » Sat Oct 15, 2016 5:39 pm

UKGeordieLass wrote:
You see, I worry the other person won't understand me unless I let them know exactly what I'm feeling.


I know i do understand why you overshare (i do it too remember) but if your breaking up with him ...its not needed. unless he asks for a reason. imo

i also find what littlemy said about the "down grade" very interesting.
i have to admit is seems like that to me also that friends with benefits is so you can hold on to a bit of him so he doesnt move on kinda ..like giving him "hope" to have you in his life "a little bit" and that to me isnt a break up

If and when required kind of
if you understand what i mean?
User avatar
Echinacea
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 6804
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2015 1:23 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests