Self-Introduction

Hello everyone,

31/m. I have not been officially diagnosed with BPD (I hope that isn't a problem for posting here), but I have had many of its symptoms and co-morbid disorders for pretty much my entire life: depression, substance abuse, irritability, frequent angry outbursts, impulsive behavior, lack of empathy, unstable relationships, severe mood swings, self-loathing, extreme black-and-white thinking. I show some symptoms of OCD, although much more mildly. I've been on wellbutrin for a few years for depression, and I was seeing a therapist for a little over a year until November of last year. My therapist isn't big into subsuming patients' problems under diagnostic terms, which is probably good for someone like me, and that's why I don't have a diagnosis. Only on occasion, usually when I'm in some sort of crisis state, have I really brought myself, through internet research, to confront the fact that I have BPD, but I always seem to brush that idea off once I start to feel better.

I guess I would be considered high-functioning, since I've managed to succeed in grad school and have some long-lasting romantic relationships (though I never seem to make even short-lasting regular friendships).

Nonetheless, I am here because an impulsive and selfish act on my part, on top of my chronic irritability, anger and substance abuse, has put my relationship with my girlfriend in jeopardy, and I find myself once again revisiting my inner problems and the harmful behaviors that manifest them. The fathomless remorse and shame I feel because of this has made me realize that I need to take my disorder seriously, not just for my girlfriend, but for myself and all my interpersonal relationships. I'm seeing my therapist again, I'm going to get back into meditation (and Buddhism in general), and I'm quitting drinking, to name just a few measures I'm taking. And this will be the case whether or not my girlfriend and I break up.

I don't know why exactly I'm posting here. I guess so I can start to have this forum as one of my many resources. Any advice you guys might have would be much appreciated. To be honest, I'm also just looking for a little compassion . . . I feel terrible for hurting her.

Wellcome SeekingMetta !

SeekingMetta wrote:I feel terrible for hurting her.

The fact that you feel remorse is a good sign, because you have empathy. Plus it is easier to fight for those we love than to fight for ourselves.

If you don't feel empathy when you are angry, it is because you are angry. My current partner seems to have no empathy sometimes when she is angry, but later she does notice some unfair things she did sometimes and regrets them.

Good luck.