Is this something you can relate to?
A long-term and cycling pattern of self-sabotage (avoidance/substance abuse/irresponsibility/disassociation), examination (identifying how and where you screwed yourself) and self-development (putting measures in place based on said examination, to prevent self-sabotaging behaviour occurring again in the future)
If so:
- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?
Self-sabotage:
Self-development:
- What triggers you from one mode to the other?
- How long does each usually last for?
- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?
- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?
I used the analogy 'building a functional robot' with my therapist last week and found it to be a useful way of explaining my experience. Before learning I had BPD, I was in a 12 year cycle of effort and entropy: either working to become a more stable and sustainable person, or doing everything I could to destroy what I had. I've come to see myself, in part due to reading Steven Pinker's book How the Mind Works, as a modular vessel; deconstructable to core components that function together either properly or improperly. Building a functional robot means nailing 100% of the symptoms preventing you living the life you want for yourself, implying someone with serious BPD to be like a dysfunctional machine.
This may be unique to BPD w/ NPD features and/or Substance Abuse Disorder, but seeing as those are commonly linked to BPD, I figure there must be members here with a similar experience as mine.
- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?
Self-sabotage: A week off work after lying about a serious illness or relative who just died; smoking an ounce of weed in that week; ceasing to return any call or txt unrelated to weed; impulsive spending and taking out credit to buy more drugs/distractions (not possible anymore since my credit rating is screwed); a poor diet and decreasing physical health. Then in the latter stages: Extreme splitting of friends and relatives; frequent thoughts/threats/talk of suicide; extreme instability of self-image and sense of purpose; being fired from whatever job I have (or quitting for false reasons); losing friends; increased debts to people; a total temporal annihilation.
Self-development: Complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol; a structured morning and evening routine (mindfulness meditation and physical exercise); an extremely healthy diet; purposeful socialising centred around ideas instead of image; seeing a therapist; taking medication; getting a new job; apologising to everyone. From the inside: Increased vigilance around thoughts and emotions; ego avoidance; increased altruism; increased empathy; decreasing anxiety.
- What triggers you from one mode to the other?
Rejection, real or perceived. In my case, alcohol use often leads to marijuana use, which leads to an extreme elevation of all BPD symptoms when not stoned, and self-sabotage kicks into overdrive.
Usually takes a serious or life & death type situation to trigger an improvement phase. Example from last year: Ended up fired from a 6 figure sales job; lost all furniture and electronics and my rental apartment; lost 15kg of bulk I'd packed on at the gym; ended up homeless and eating out of shelters; moved into a room above my dealer w/ a heroin addict and an ice addict (classic Aussie drug-den, sans Paul Fenech); $13,000 increase in credit card debt; narrowly avoided being murdered (by said heroin addict); turned into a total social outcast (with expressions on passers-by to match).
- How long does each period usually last for?
3-9 months, but in the past few years my destruction/recovery ratio is about 3:1, after failing to become functional after a dozen serious attempts.
- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?
Before medication: Empty and vessel-like. At the time, identified as "something isn't right".
- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?
Since 2004. Major improvements started after doing an intensive meditation course in 2009; the before and after contrast made me realise just how crazy I must have seemed to other people beforehand. Since increasing awareness in the past three years: periods where I'm not self-destructive feel ostensibly normal, and I feel comfortable in social settings, whereas in the past I was hyper self-conscious and awkward. I've always liked people but have socially felt "on the outside looking in". This aspect improved a lot over time through exposure; working face-to-face with people helped, and taking a medication that works on anxiety.