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Building a Functional Robot

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Building a Functional Robot

Postby Will Incandenza » Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:24 am

Is this something you can relate to?

A long-term and cycling pattern of self-sabotage (avoidance/substance abuse/irresponsibility/disassociation), examination (identifying how and where you screwed yourself) and self-development (putting measures in place based on said examination, to prevent self-sabotaging behaviour occurring again in the future)

If so:

- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?
Self-sabotage:
Self-development:

- What triggers you from one mode to the other?
- How long does each usually last for?
- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?
- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?


I used the analogy 'building a functional robot' with my therapist last week and found it to be a useful way of explaining my experience. Before learning I had BPD, I was in a 12 year cycle of effort and entropy: either working to become a more stable and sustainable person, or doing everything I could to destroy what I had. I've come to see myself, in part due to reading Steven Pinker's book How the Mind Works, as a modular vessel; deconstructable to core components that function together either properly or improperly. Building a functional robot means nailing 100% of the symptoms preventing you living the life you want for yourself, implying someone with serious BPD to be like a dysfunctional machine.

This may be unique to BPD w/ NPD features and/or Substance Abuse Disorder, but seeing as those are commonly linked to BPD, I figure there must be members here with a similar experience as mine.

- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?

Self-sabotage: A week off work after lying about a serious illness or relative who just died; smoking an ounce of weed in that week; ceasing to return any call or txt unrelated to weed; impulsive spending and taking out credit to buy more drugs/distractions (not possible anymore since my credit rating is screwed); a poor diet and decreasing physical health. Then in the latter stages: Extreme splitting of friends and relatives; frequent thoughts/threats/talk of suicide; extreme instability of self-image and sense of purpose; being fired from whatever job I have (or quitting for false reasons); losing friends; increased debts to people; a total temporal annihilation.

Self-development: Complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol; a structured morning and evening routine (mindfulness meditation and physical exercise); an extremely healthy diet; purposeful socialising centred around ideas instead of image; seeing a therapist; taking medication; getting a new job; apologising to everyone. From the inside: Increased vigilance around thoughts and emotions; ego avoidance; increased altruism; increased empathy; decreasing anxiety.

- What triggers you from one mode to the other?

Rejection, real or perceived. In my case, alcohol use often leads to marijuana use, which leads to an extreme elevation of all BPD symptoms when not stoned, and self-sabotage kicks into overdrive.

Usually takes a serious or life & death type situation to trigger an improvement phase. Example from last year: Ended up fired from a 6 figure sales job; lost all furniture and electronics and my rental apartment; lost 15kg of bulk I'd packed on at the gym; ended up homeless and eating out of shelters; moved into a room above my dealer w/ a heroin addict and an ice addict (classic Aussie drug-den, sans Paul Fenech); $13,000 increase in credit card debt; narrowly avoided being murdered (by said heroin addict); turned into a total social outcast (with expressions on passers-by to match).

- How long does each period usually last for?

3-9 months, but in the past few years my destruction/recovery ratio is about 3:1, after failing to become functional after a dozen serious attempts.

- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?

Before medication: Empty and vessel-like. At the time, identified as "something isn't right".

- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?

Since 2004. Major improvements started after doing an intensive meditation course in 2009; the before and after contrast made me realise just how crazy I must have seemed to other people beforehand. Since increasing awareness in the past three years: periods where I'm not self-destructive feel ostensibly normal, and I feel comfortable in social settings, whereas in the past I was hyper self-conscious and awkward. I've always liked people but have socially felt "on the outside looking in". This aspect improved a lot over time through exposure; working face-to-face with people helped, and taking a medication that works on anxiety.
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby pleasnpetrichor » Mon Jul 18, 2016 8:08 am

Will Incandenza wrote:Is this something you can relate to?

Yes, more or less.

- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?

I'd say each pattern starts anew when I begin a new job. I start fresh, energetic, optimistic, and driven. I'm accommodating and self sacrificing. Eventually, a problem will introduce stress. Maybe because I've been out of work i don't have enough money, and I'm not eating properly or I have to borrow money for gas. Maybe the honeymoon wears off and I start getting irritated with the people at work. Maybe I'm having personal problems unrelated to these, and they drag me down.

I become resentful, but try to hide it because I'm new and not established. This leads to more resentment. I work very hard and am a perfectionist, and little problems at work tend to stress me out more than they should. It turns into this cycle of resentfulness that I'm afraid to express outright. Swallowing resentment for too long leads to passive aggressive behavior and a victim mentality, which in turn makes me anxious about losing my job. That makes me double down and work harder while suppressing resentment.

Eventually, my moodiness will cause others to avoid me and I will become progressively more angry and depressed until the whole thing blows up and I walk out or stop showing up. I wallow in self loathing for a while. Then I find a new job and the cycle begins again.


- How long does each usually last for?

It varies, but it usually takes at least a month or two to get from optimistic to angry and depressed.

- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?

It varies considerably. I'd say anxiety and self deprecation are my most common emotions. On a good day thrown in humor, passionate depth of feeling esp. longing for beauty, a preoccupation with logic, and drive. That's on a good day.

- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?

Pretty much since adulthood, or before. I have more patience now. My emotions are less intense than when I was younger, and I'm slightly more able to laugh things off. Slightly. I'm also more self aware and socially aware, but again, only slightly. On the bright side i think I have considerably more faith in my own reality than I used to do. I still doubt but I find myself trusting my own instincts more and more. Which is good, because they're often right.

- What triggers you from one mode to the other?

Fear of failure, real or imagined. Most commonly, fear of losing my job or at least losing face at my job. Fear of not being perfect. Alternately, an extreme emotional reaction to being brushed off, ignored, talked over/interrupted, or otherwise treated as an invisible person. If I sense that my willingness to go beyond the call of duty and help others is being abused. If I perceive others as selfish, i.e. not pulling their own weight, asking me to do more than my share, or making poor choices that adversely affect the team.
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby Will Incandenza » Tue Jul 19, 2016 6:51 am

pleasnpetrichor wrote:Is this something you can relate to?

Yes, more or less.

- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?

I'd say each pattern starts anew when I begin a new job. I start fresh, energetic, optimistic, and driven. I'm accommodating and self sacrificing. Eventually, a problem will introduce stress. Maybe because I've been out of work i don't have enough money, and I'm not eating properly or I have to borrow money for gas. Maybe the honeymoon wears off and I start getting irritated with the people at work. Maybe I'm having personal problems unrelated to these, and they drag me down.

I become resentful, but try to hide it because I'm new and not established. This leads to more resentment. I work very hard and am a perfectionist, and little problems at work tend to stress me out more than they should. It turns into this cycle of resentfulness that I'm afraid to express outright. Swallowing resentment for too long leads to passive aggressive behavior and a victim mentality, which in turn makes me anxious about losing my job. That makes me double down and work harder while suppressing resentment.

Eventually, my moodiness will cause others to avoid me and I will become progressively more angry and depressed until the whole thing blows up and I walk out or stop showing up. I wallow in self loathing for a while. Then I find a new job and the cycle begins again.


Excellent set of answers. I can relate a lot to this---resentment builds like a cancer, and as you describe, can manifest passive aggressively, usually at random, totally subversive to one's sense of things. Usually coming out as irritability or a brief mania spike.

Your experience (which, by the way, sorry to hear has been so challenging for you) demonstrates the distinction of BPD to borderline; our extremes in emotion may seem pervasive or crazy-seeming, but they're nearly always related to a real situation or event. Not the case for everyone with BPD (my mother, definitely an example), but usually our behaviour seems disproportionate, but not totally unfounded.

Sounds like you've been through a lot. Thanks for your honesty, hope things are going better for you since the job you posted about.

- How long does each usually last for?

It varies, but it usually takes at least a month or two to get from optimistic to angry and depressed.

- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?

It varies considerably. I'd say anxiety and self deprecation are my most common emotions. On a good day thrown in humor, passionate depth of feeling esp. longing for beauty, a preoccupation with logic, and drive. That's on a good day.


Self-deprecation is a good thing where I am, being a behaviour implying not taking oneself too seriously; are you meaning it as a negative? You sound really expressive---what are your outlets for your passions of beauty and logic? I know both can be found in mathematics :-)

I used to be a musician but have more recently gotten back into reading/writing (I'm basically the Guy In Your MFA). I think a creative/intellectual outlet is a must for most people with BPD, especially if their jobs are done on autopilot, or they don't have one.

- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?

Pretty much since adulthood, or before. I have more patience now. My emotions are less intense than when I was younger, and I'm slightly more able to laugh things off. Slightly. I'm also more self aware and socially aware, but again, only slightly. On the bright side i think I have considerably more faith in my own reality than I used to do. I still doubt but I find myself trusting my own instincts more and more. Which is good, because they're often right.


Has that been a matter of learning from intense experiences, or have you just thought about things and changed your thinking consciously over time? You definitely sound optimistic and wise to yourself, to me. Have you always been this introspective? I started to get much more so through my mid-twenties, after the first few serious life-implosions.

- What triggers you from one mode to the other?

Fear of failure, real or imagined. Most commonly, fear of losing my job or at least losing face at my job. Fear of not being perfect. Alternately, an extreme emotional reaction to being brushed off, ignored, talked over/interrupted, or otherwise treated as an invisible person. If I sense that my willingness to go beyond the call of duty and help others is being abused. If I perceive others as selfish, i.e. not pulling their own weight, asking me to do more than my share, or making poor choices that adversely affect the team.


Interesting---how does a feeling of imperfection normally present itself, for you? Were you always so vigilant with people's respect of you? Sounds like if you can be consistent with your emotions, you'd make a good leader. You talk a lot about things related to emotional intelligence, both inwards and regarding the behaviour and feelings of others; not blowing smoke up your ass or anything, I just think these are good traits for leading others, based on experience. Especially if you've got a good sense of humour as well.
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby pleasnpetrichor » Tue Jul 19, 2016 8:23 am

Will Incandenza wrote:Your experience (which, by the way, sorry to hear has been so challenging for you) demonstrates the distinction of BPD to borderline; our extremes in emotion may seem pervasive or crazy-seeming, but they're nearly always related to a real situation or event. Not the case for everyone with BPD (my mother, definitely an example), but usually our behaviour seems disproportionate, but not totally unfounded.

Sounds like you've been through a lot. Thanks for your honesty, hope things are going better for you since the job you posted about.

Thank you, and likewise. If you don't mind sharing, are there others in your family with personality disorders besides your mother? Do you think that sort of thing is more inherited or environmental?

Self-deprecation is a good thing where I am, being a behaviour implying not taking oneself too seriously; are you meaning it as a negative? Yeah, I kind of meant self loathing I just didn't want to say it that dramatically. You sound really expressive---what are your outlets for your passions of beauty and logic? Well, I Twitter, but I'm not sure if that counts. I cook. I know both can be found in mathematics :-) I used to be a musician but have more recently gotten back into reading/writing (I'm basically the Guy In Your MFA). I think a creative/intellectual outlet is a must for most people with BPD, especially if their jobs are done on autopilot, or they don't have one. That sounds like good advice. What do you write about?

Has that been a matter of learning from intense experiences, or have you just thought about things and changed your thinking consciously over time? You definitely sound optimistic and wise to yourself, to me. Have you always been this introspective? I started to get much more so through my mid-twenties, after the first few serious life-implosions.

Unfortunately, I think cooks are often encouraged to exhibit borderline behaviors that would be condemned in other professions. I didn't wise up for a long time. On the contrary, I dug in, convinced that my behavior made me special, passionate, and striving rather than, well, dysfunctional. After decades of failure I'm forced to admit to myself that this is simply not so. I've always been self absorbed but real awareness didn't come until relatively recently. Assuming I have it now. Again, the delay had to do with the nature of my industry (where 'serious implosions' ... happen) as well as having a temperament that overvalues intense experiences and undervalues stability. How were you different before your mid-twenties? Do you think your experiences are typical of people with BPD or were yours rather extreme?

Interesting---how does a feeling of imperfection normally present itself, for you? I'd say it manifests as paranoia about my job. I'm very anxious about falling short of expectations and resentful of anyone who might cause me to do so, however unavoidably/unintentionally. I also go to extreme lengths to avoid failure, which often damages my relationship with others. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm equally harsh in my judgements of other's work. Those, again, are often considered positive traits in my industry and the marks of a good cook. Were you always so vigilant with people's respect of you? I would have phrased it as a fear of failure (fear of not measuring up, fear of being imperfect or flawed) rather than a desire for respect, but yes. Sounds like if you can be consistent with your emotions, you'd make a good leader. That's a pretty big if, but thank you. You talk a lot about things related to emotional intelligence, both inwards and regarding the behaviour and feelings of others; not blowing smoke up your ass or anything, I just think these are good traits for leading others, based on experience. Especially if you've got a good sense of humour as well. Thanks. You seem the practiced politician, but I appreciate the compliment. Having said that, I'm very certain you're wrong.
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby pleasnpetrichor » Tue Jul 19, 2016 9:38 am

Will Incandenza wrote:Is this something you can relate to?

I used the analogy 'building a functional robot' with my therapist last week and found it to be a useful way of explaining my experience...I've come to see myself, in part due to reading Steven Pinker's book How the Mind Works, as a modular vessel; deconstructable to core components that function together either properly or improperly. Building a functional robot means nailing 100% of the symptoms preventing you living the life you want for yourself, implying someone with serious BPD to be like a dysfunctional machine.

What did your therapist think of that analogy? My first thought is it seems an odd one to apply to human beings, although perhaps looking at yourself in that light makes problems seem more fixable. People tend to see their character as unchangeable. Does Pinker's book also describe psychology in mechanical terms? Did you always see yourself that way, in terms of function? It also strikes me that building a functional machine doesn't mean nailing 100% of your problems. The machine just has to function better. It doesn't have to function perfectly.


- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?

Before medication: Empty and vessel-like. At the time, identified as "something isn't right".

Does it continue to feel like that each time you crash or has knowing what is wrong changed how you experience these things?

...Since increasing awareness in the past three years: periods where I'm not self-destructive feel ostensibly normal, and I feel comfortable in social settings, whereas in the past I was hyper self-conscious and awkward. I've always liked people but have socially felt "on the outside looking in".

I'm rather surprised to hear that from a former 6 figure salesman. You seem perfectly well at ease here. Would you say that interactions on the internet at more or less stressful than those in real life?
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby Will Incandenza » Wed Jul 20, 2016 3:50 am

That was supposed to be bipolar, not borderline. Apparently I was asleep when I wrote that.

pleasnpetrichor wrote:Your experience (which, by the way, sorry to hear has been so challenging for you) demonstrates the distinction of BPD to borderline; our extremes in emotion may seem pervasive or crazy-seeming, but they're nearly always related to a real situation or event. Not the case for everyone with BPD (my mother, definitely an example), but usually our behaviour seems disproportionate, but not totally unfounded.

Sounds like you've been through a lot. Thanks for your honesty, hope things are going better for you since the job you posted about.

Thank you, and likewise. If you don't mind sharing, are there others in your family with personality disorders besides your mother? Do you think that sort of thing is more inherited or environmental?


My mother has it for sure. From experience it seems like a genetic predisposition mixed with environment, with the genetic component being a kind of heightened emotional energy, that with the right environment (safe, stable, accepting, creative, loving, etc. ) can actually be a positive. Her background included molestation, her father dying and having an abortion before 15, but the main thing seems to be her feeling like an intruder on her parents relationship.


Self-deprecation is a good thing where I am, being a behaviour implying not taking oneself too seriously; are you meaning it as a negative? Yeah, I kind of meant self loathing I just didn't want to say it that dramatically. You sound really expressive---what are your outlets for your passions of beauty and logic? Well, I Twitter, but I'm not sure if that counts. I cook. I know both can be found in mathematics :-) I used to be a musician but have more recently gotten back into reading/writing (I'm basically the Guy In Your MFA). I think a creative/intellectual outlet is a must for most people with BPD, especially if their jobs are done on autopilot, or they don't have one. That sounds like good advice. What do you write about?


Twitter definitely doesn't count, haha. I've noticed you have an attention to formatting detail in your posts; have you tried any visual arts as well?

I've only been looking into language/literature for about a year, so still a noob, but I have a blog with an okay following, mostly focused around culture, philosophy and random bulls**t.

Has that been a matter of learning from intense experiences, or have you just thought about things and changed your thinking consciously over time? You definitely sound optimistic and wise to yourself, to me. Have you always been this introspective? I started to get much more so through my mid-twenties, after the first few serious life-implosions.

Unfortunately, I think cooks are often encouraged to exhibit borderline behaviors that would be condemned in other professions. I didn't wise up for a long time. On the contrary, I dug in, convinced that my behavior made me special, passionate, and striving rather than, well, dysfunctional. After decades of failure I'm forced to admit to myself that this is simply not so. I've always been self absorbed but real awareness didn't come until relatively recently. Assuming I have it now. Again, the delay had to do with the nature of my industry (where 'serious implosions' ... happen) as well as having a temperament that overvalues intense experiences and undervalues stability. How were you different before your mid-twenties? Do you think your experiences are typical of people with BPD or were yours rather extreme?


How do you mean borderline behaviors are encouraged? And what you said about having a high value in intense experiences is really interesting. What does that mean for you? I think I can relate, and I think it's a major reason why BPD sufferers are prone to drug addictions---everything has to be extreme. That seems to be my developing experience, anyway. But does it also apply to negative experiences for you?

Unless I was focused and within a comfort zone, I was extremely anxious and awkward to be around; racey, extremely intense on drugs and alcohol in both good and bad ways, and totally unreliable. Pervasively, there was an extreme jealousy and paranoia in the early stages of relationships, and went through a semi-psychotic rage a few times. Life generally felt like walking around in a dingy stuck in a North Sea supercell.

Interesting---how does a feeling of imperfection normally present itself, for you? I'd say it manifests as paranoia about my job. I'm very anxious about falling short of expectations and resentful of anyone who might cause me to do so, however unavoidably/unintentionally. I also go to extreme lengths to avoid failure, which often damages my relationship with others. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm equally harsh in my judgements of other's work. Those, again, are often considered positive traits in my industry and the marks of a good cook. Were you always so vigilant with people's respect of you? I would have phrased it as a fear of failure (fear of not measuring up, fear of being imperfect or flawed) rather than a desire for respect, but yes. Sounds like if you can be consistent with your emotions, you'd make a good leader. That's a pretty big if, but thank you. You talk a lot about things related to emotional intelligence, both inwards and regarding the behaviour and feelings of others; not blowing smoke up your ass or anything, I just think these are good traits for leading others, based on experience. Especially if you've got a good sense of humour as well. Thanks. You seem the practiced politician, but I appreciate the compliment. Having said that, I'm very certain you're wrong.


Perfectionism has to exist on a spectrum, so I wonder if you can turn that trait into a positive, somehow. What kind of a cook are you? Are you looking to take your work further?

There's obviously more to being a leader, but I thought it was worth mentioning in case that hadn't been pointed out before, also mindful of the fact that hospitality tends to give a warped impression of what a good leader is. Gordon Ramsey (who I'm a big fan of) is the standard, at least in my experience, and in any other industry he'd look like an absolute wanker. You seem empathetic and assertive, and those are much better leadership qualities than being dominant. You just need to have your sh** together.
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby Will Incandenza » Wed Jul 20, 2016 4:26 am

pleasnpetrichor wrote:What did your therapist think of that analogy? My first thought is it seems an odd one to apply to human beings, although perhaps looking at yourself in that light makes problems seem more fixable. People tend to see their character as unchangeable. Does Pinker's book also describe psychology in mechanical terms? Did you always see yourself that way, in terms of function? It also strikes me that building a functional machine doesn't mean nailing 100% of your problems. The machine just has to function better. It doesn't have to function perfectly.


It helped orientate her perspective to how I conceptualise the problem, it's not quite as dehumanising as it sounds. Pinker's book is more centric to cognition and the computational theory of mind, but yeah, he asserts a mostly modular approach to how our minds function, and goes on to raise a lot of questions about consciousness. It's a fairly scientific point of view that wouldn't gel with everybody, but the analogy is only as meaningful as the interpretation.

Have you heard about anyone who's fully overcome BPD?

Before medication: Empty and vessel-like. At the time, identified as "something isn't right".

Does it continue to feel like that each time you crash or has knowing what is wrong changed how you experience these things?


Much better these days; medication and meditation in tandem work as a strong enabler for self-control. That and having something productive to immerse in. To be honest, if I'd known sooner that I had an actual personality disorder, I'd probably have beaten it completely by now. Fixing an unknown problem unaided, when that very problem is part of how you've come to define yourself, is a beast of a thing.

How did you relate to things before and after knowing you had BPD? Did it make your progress any more productive?

...Since increasing awareness in the past three years: periods where I'm not self-destructive feel ostensibly normal, and I feel comfortable in social settings, whereas in the past I was hyper self-conscious and awkward. I've always liked people but have socially felt "on the outside looking in".

I'm rather surprised to hear that from a former 6 figure salesman. You seem perfectly well at ease here. Would you say that interactions on the internet at more or less stressful than those in real life?


Then you should meet more 6 figure salespeople ;). There may be a uniqueness in that my BPD is much stronger than my narcissism (which is mostly mild and marijuana-related these days), so whereas some people latched on to a sustainable reward stream of narcissistic supply, I constantly imploded and had to reevaluate my circumstances and character. Also, just in case you've encountered otherwise, there isn't really a huge correlation between stability and income; anyone can get a high commission sales job off the street without a degree, it just requires a semi-decent verbal ability. Most of the people I worked with were uninteresting, vain and money-obsessed. There might be a correlation in graduate jobs, but there are more disordered people in sales than anywhere I've seen. Absolute worst imaginable environment for someone with serious BPD.
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby pleasnpetrichor » Wed Jul 20, 2016 8:47 am

What kind of a cook are you? Are you looking to take your work further?


I've done various things. I'm best at simple stuff- soups, salads, sandwiches, desserts. I just got a job in a Japanese restaurant. I used to want to be a chef. Now I just want a job where I'm not miserable, which basically means being left alone.

My first day is tomorrow and I need to sleep, so I kept it short. Will be back to answer the rest later.

Wish me luck!
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby Will Incandenza » Wed Jul 20, 2016 9:59 am

Sounds tasty. Good luck! :)
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Re: Building a Functional Robot

Postby wind runner » Wed Jul 20, 2016 2:36 pm

Is this something you can relate to?
Yes

A long-term and cycling pattern of self-sabotage (avoidance/substance abuse/irresponsibility/disassociation), examination (identifying how and where you screwed yourself) and self-development (putting measures in place based on said examination, to prevent self-sabotaging behaviour occurring again in the future)

If so:

- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?

Usually I get into a relationship, by about month 2 or 3 I'm being triggered so often that they leave me or I have to leave them to save my own sanity. When I meet someone who is understanding of my problems and it has the potential to be a good relationship I unconsciously sabotage it by pushing them away. I believe this is out of fear and self protection.
Up until a few years ago this would then lead to me finding another g/f and continuing the cycle in a rather ongoing continuous pattern in which I would wonder what was wrong with everyone I was meeting thinking i had the worst dating luck ever.
Eventually I realised the common factor was actually me and I sought help and realised I had BPD.

Post BPD diagnosis the cycle has changed:
Meet someone who I liked and had a 2 year relationship, eventually became too unstable in my own head and started self sabotaging the relationship. Immediately after stared the old cycle of finding a replacement and did this for several months with several people. Realised what I was doing and stopped, started analysing what went wrong with the long term girl and stayed single for nearly 2 years and sought therapy.
Therapy stopped and I felt good, started looking for a serious partner. Ended up dating someone for 2 months after a 6 month friendship and I realised I am still totally unstable. We split up 2 days ago. I started therapy a week before we split up. I am trying to avoid the cyclic pattern, hence therapy.
I believe I split up with the last g/f for the right reasons this time, I want a serious relationship and she isn't in a situation to offer that.



Self-sabotage:
Self-development:

- What triggers you from one mode to the other?
Many trigger but they tend to revolve around the perceived threat of rejection
- How long does each usually last for?
Variable- minutes to years
- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?
Before diagnosis - boredom, lonelyness, often self abuse.
Post diagnosis - usually a clear head as long as I keep busy

- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?
Actively trying to improve since diagnosis about 4-5 years ago.
No improvement in behavour noticed but I am self aware after the event what I am doing and can reflect on it.



I used the analogy 'building a functional robot' with my therapist last week and found it to be a useful way of explaining my experience. Before learning I had BPD, I was in a 12 year cycle of effort and entropy: either working to become a more stable and sustainable person, or doing everything I could to destroy what I had. I've come to see myself, in part due to reading Steven Pinker's book How the Mind Works, as a modular vessel; deconstructable to core components that function together either properly or improperly. Building a functional robot means nailing 100% of the symptoms preventing you living the life you want for yourself, implying someone with serious BPD to be like a dysfunctional machine.

This may be unique to BPD w/ NPD features and/or Substance Abuse Disorder, but seeing as those are commonly linked to BPD, I figure there must be members here with a similar experience as mine.

- What does your pattern of behaviour and recovery typically look like?

Self-sabotage: A week off work after lying about a serious illness or relative who just died; smoking an ounce of weed in that week; ceasing to return any call or txt unrelated to weed; impulsive spending and taking out credit to buy more drugs/distractions (not possible anymore since my credit rating is screwed); a poor diet and decreasing physical health. Then in the latter stages: Extreme splitting of friends and relatives; frequent thoughts/threats/talk of suicide; extreme instability of self-image and sense of purpose; being fired from whatever job I have (or quitting for false reasons); losing friends; increased debts to people; a total temporal annihilation.

Self-development: Complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol; a structured morning and evening routine (mindfulness meditation and physical exercise); an extremely healthy diet; purposeful socialising centred around ideas instead of image; seeing a therapist; taking medication; getting a new job; apologising to everyone. From the inside: Increased vigilance around thoughts and emotions; ego avoidance; increased altruism; increased empathy; decreasing anxiety.

- What triggers you from one mode to the other?

Rejection, real or perceived. In my case, alcohol use often leads to marijuana use, which leads to an extreme elevation of all BPD symptoms when not stoned, and self-sabotage kicks into overdrive.

Usually takes a serious or life & death type situation to trigger an improvement phase. Example from last year: Ended up fired from a 6 figure sales job; lost all furniture and electronics and my rental apartment; lost 15kg of bulk I'd packed on at the gym; ended up homeless and eating out of shelters; moved into a room above my dealer w/ a heroin addict and an ice addict (classic Aussie drug-den, sans Paul Fenech); $13,000 increase in credit card debt; narrowly avoided being murdered (by said heroin addict); turned into a total social outcast (with expressions on passers-by to match).

- How long does each period usually last for?

3-9 months, but in the past few years my destruction/recovery ratio is about 3:1, after failing to become functional after a dozen serious attempts.

- What 'in-between' do you experience and is it normal-feeling, empty-feeling, boring or otherwise?

Before medication: Empty and vessel-like. At the time, identified as "something isn't right".

- How long have you been trying to overcome and prevent self-sabotaging behaviour, and what improvements have you noticed?

Since 2004. Major improvements started after doing an intensive meditation course in 2009; the before and after contrast made me realise just how crazy I must have seemed to other people beforehand. Since increasing awareness in the past three years: periods where I'm not self-destructive feel ostensibly normal, and I feel comfortable in social settings, whereas in the past I was hyper self-conscious and awkward. I've always liked people but have socially felt "on the outside looking in". This aspect improved a lot over time through exposure; working face-to-face with people helped, and taking a medication that works on anxiety.[/quote]
wind runner
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