I feel evil (trigger warning)

So...im new to the forum ...but my BPD is out of control in the last year and I'm starting to wonder who I am. It even comes to the point where as I'm typing this i feel like i want to write lies. (although I'm managing to resist the urge).

I only recently (about 6 months ago) actually started knowing that there was something not right because my narcissistic side gets in the way and tells me that nothing is wrong.

Over the last year i have managed to successfully seduce 2 people that were in healthy long term relationships and become intimate with them within a week of meeting them and make them question themselves and their whole lives to the point that they went crazy almost. I knew i could manipulate their thoughts and actions and make them unsure what was real. I loved the game of it, i liked the power but it also destroyed me inside because I actually cared very much and loved both of these women. They became dependant on me over the space of the year...and I opened up to them a little about how i was feeling but then they became sympathetic which made me feel like i could get away with it because they understood that it was a jekyl and hyde situation almost. That the BPD wasn't really me.

I care for them both very much but when they arent here i feel like i cant remember who they are or how i feel about them. My feelings towards any sort of emotional situation are very warped to the point where i cant be sympathic or empathetic towards other peoples tragedy or loss or love. My emotions are fake towards anyone else but i am very emotional when im thinking about how destroyed i am and when my brain just wont stop or i cant sleep and there are just voices screaming in my brain.

I tell them what they want to hear...nice things but i actually mean it and then when they are comfortable with me again, i try to push things to see how much i can push them and still bring them back (maybe to show how much i now have control of them) ... but i know thats not what i want. When i have moments of clarity, i can see what i really want is to make someone so happy and have a normal life but when the BPD takes over i just have crazy thoughts of control and power.

These also manifest in different ways from making them argue with people they love (even though i havent done anything to cause it, i feel like i subtly implant things in their minds to make them feel that way). Even though they are still in relationships and they dont want to be with me, i feel like its a challenge and i can find a way to make them want to still cheat with me but then in my head i feel like im in a relationship with them, this then leads to me getting attached but when the BPD takes over again i fantasize about them being in sexual situations with me and their boyfriends or with strangers and it crushes me but in a way i absolutely love it and get turned on by it but i also want to feel like im the only one they need.

Anyway, the whole situation makes me feel evil in a way because i know im being manipulative and i know that im twisting things but actually on top of it all my head and my heart really cares for these people and loves them and would do anything for them and would never want to hurt them and it gets really hard to see myself as a nice person when i can be so horrible.

Hopefully some of you can relate to this and sorry for the long post but its good to get some things out.

I relate to this it's very hard one minute I'm very caring and loving then I can't understand how I can be so horrible out of the blue I'm fairly new to BPD but have done a lot of research and awaiting therapy but your right I feel I'm a good person but it's taking over at times and then very hard to see how your a good person when you can do that but we need to remember we are and I hope one day I can control this and you too

-- Thu Jun 30, 2016 7:53 pm --

I relate to this it's very hard one minute I'm very caring and loving then I can't understand how I can be so horrible out of the blue I'm fairly new to BPD but have done a lot of research and awaiting therapy but your right I feel I'm a good person but it's taking over at times and then very hard to see how your a good person when you can do that but we need to remember we are and I hope one day I can control this and you too

it's good to be bad