hexamel wrote:Yeah I do this too. :/
I think it's rooted in the fear of rejection.
It definitely is for me. I worry that they'll reject my apology.
I've been getting better with it though, by convincing myself that no matter what their response is, I did the right thing for my own emotional well-being. Sure, it causes me pain when I'm rejected, because I see how much I've hurt the person and I was hoping that my apology would help them, but at the same time, I don't expect them to accept my apology. I don't believe that they owe me acceptance and so that's what helps me with my resentment issues, because I used to become very angry or even enraged when someone would not show forgiveness.
My mother is like that. I would apologize, often for things that weren't even my fault and instead of saying "okay, I forgive you", she would say things like "well, how can I trust you now?"
I've realized how toxic she is and I no longer have anything to do with her because of it. She very rarely apologized to me for anything and when she did, it would almost always be accompanied with an excuse, like "I was doing what was best for your little brother by staying with that guy who treated you so poorly, I was thinking about his well-being." That made me angry because I felt like she was saying that my brother's well-being was important that my own and on top of it, I didn't even feel like that was the true reason... I felt like she just didn't want to be alone and then, after challenging her on it, she even admitted that... That she was scared to raise three kids on her own. I understood that in a way, but at the same time, I didn't because I felt that a good parent would always put their kid first...
When I expressed these things to her, she would get defensive and say things like "I already apologized, what more do you want me to say?" and really, all I wanted was for her to take responsibility and admit that it was wrong, that she should have left the person much sooner if she truly cared about me. There was a time where she even witnessed me be physically abused and still stayed with the guy.
She'd always apologize for things and I'd accept the apology, but when I tried to get her to be more specific with her apology, she'd get defensive and tell me that I wasn't perfect, that I didn't always do things right, so how could I judge her? Well, the simple answer is that she supposedly already admitted that she was wrong, so why back out when it comes to specifics? She judged herself and then when I said anything to confirm her assessment, she'd attack me. Basically, if I wanted any time to think about things, to allow myself time to FIND forgiveness, she'd take it personally and try to get me to feel like a bad person for doing so....
"Why do I even bother apologizing? I guess I have to be perfect like everyone else, blah blah blah..."
Always playing the victim. And all I ever wanted was for her to say that I was right, that she shouldn't have done those things... No accompanying excuses, no deflection... Just a straight apology. But she never did that and then she wonders why she's alone... But pointing that out to her does no use. Only she's allowed to make mistakes, not anyone else... If anyone else does, she pushes them out of her life and then wonders why they're out of life. Tells them to leave, but wants them to stay... Expects forgiveness, but never gives it. She has serious entitlement issues and we always butted heads because of it...
My grandma, her mother, would enable her and basically tell her that she was right about everything, that it was never her fault and that's why she's basically alone at 40 years old, hating the world. She thinks the world owes her $#%^, but she doesn't owe anyone else anything. Got a problem? Fix it, don't complain about it. I have a problem? Come to my rescue, help me out and take all the steps for me or you're useless. That's her motto.