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I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

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I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby Foucault_me_slowly » Thu Apr 28, 2016 6:48 am

I'm hoping that someone else can relate to this feeling. It's the most bizarre and jarring thing to realize that your sense of reality was really just your brain warping things to be the way it wanted them to be and not how they really were. I feel incredibly confused and honestly a bit terrified thinking about just how convinced I was that my sense of what was happening was right.

To explain, I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and we talked about it in person tonight. In my head he was constantly letting me down and hurting me and it was time that I put my foot down on that dick. I talked to friends about it and told them that he was blowing me off and avoiding letting me meet his parents and a bunch of other things. In reality, he hasn't seen his parents in months and he was in urgent care for a neck injury. In my head, I wrote the things he told me off as stupid excuses, but they were legitimate reasons for why he wasn't doing the things I wanted him to do. I was just so pissed off that he wasn't doing what I wanted and wasn't meeting my needs that I split him and painted him black. The pain I was feeling being without him and the fear of him not wanting to commit to me were way more important than his literal pain or his family issues or a bunch of other things that got in the way of him meeting my needs. It's much more complicated than I can really type out right now, but I let my brain twist everything into a story that fit the right truth for me not the reality of the situation and that's scary.

So right now I'm honestly just looking for a little support and understanding. It's incredibly frustrating that I'm still dealing with this level of splitting after 2 years of DBT and an anti-psychotic, which has caused me to gain 30 lbs but apparently isn't doing as much good as I thought it was doing. Does anyone else sometimes feel like their brain just spins a web of lies that they get caught up in?
"You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive" - James Baldwin
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby blackandwhiterainbow » Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:28 am

Yes I can relate... It's hard to admit it but I have told some lies about my ex for example. But not only.
I do this because I can't deal with the harsh truth. It's not big lies, I just slightly distort the truth. My ex did the same by the way, much more and much better than me since he is a pathological liar. So, I can understand why pathological liars lie, but ironically it still pisses me off.
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby NimplyDinply » Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:46 am

I can understand, because I've been in similar situations myself. In my mind, not being introduced to parents or other family members is a major red flag. On top of it, you're aware you have BPD, so you may be constantly second guessing yourself and wondering if your reactions and feelings are 'normal' or are they part of your BPD, or in this case, splitting.

How long were you with the guy? You said something about 'months', but that could be two or it could be 10. :D If you're in a relatively short relationship, I think it's somewhat normal to not have met parents yet. But you did say that his relationship with his family is strained. Does he still have contact with them, and if so, has he mentioned you at all to them (even though you haven't met them in-person yet)? My brother for example, he is on very light contact with us, but when he is serious about a girl, we will find out about her, even though we haven't met her. If he's not, we will never hear about it.

I can relate to these exaggerations, or minor distortions you're talking about. I try not to do it anymore, but in the past, I've exaggerated things to fit my narrative. They weren't even outright lies. For example, when someone in my husband's family was talking smack about the condition of our home, one person came and told us they were saying such and such. I was pissed, and somehow "convinced" that three people told me that, that she was shite talking to a lot of people. I told people that many people were coming to me and telling me this, but in reality it was just one person. Anyway, it did end up she was telling a lot of people, she was a major gossiper. :lol:

Marsha Linehan mentions something like this in her CBT book for BPD. That some of us exaggerate, or confabulate, to be believed and validated, because of a history of not being believed and validated.

In any way, maybe you just were not happy overall in this relationship? Trust your instincts. If you're not "feeling" it, trust it. You said he's not doing other things you want him to do, so maybe the relationship is a mismatch. And perhaps this semi-confabulation is your way of getting out of a relationship you're otherwise not happy in? Because you cannot trust yourself...hope this makes sense.

In the mean time, hugs, if you like them. Breakups are never easy for anyone.
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby Foucault_me_slowly » Thu Apr 28, 2016 1:49 pm

NimplyDinply wrote:I can understand, because I've been in similar situations myself. In my mind, not being introduced to parents or other family members is a major red flag. On top of it, you're aware you have BPD, so you may be constantly second guessing yourself and wondering if your reactions and feelings are 'normal' or are they part of your BPD, or in this case, splitting.

How long were you with the guy? You said something about 'months', but that could be two or it could be 10. :D If you're in a relatively short relationship, I think it's somewhat normal to not have met parents yet. But you did say that his relationship with his family is strained. Does he still have contact with them, and if so, has he mentioned you at all to them (even though you haven't met them in-person yet)? My brother for example, he is on very light contact with us, but when he is serious about a girl, we will find out about her, even though we haven't met her. If he's not, we will never hear about it.

I can relate to these exaggerations, or minor distortions you're talking about. I try not to do it anymore, but in the past, I've exaggerated things to fit my narrative. They weren't even outright lies. For example, when someone in my husband's family was talking smack about the condition of our home, one person came and told us they were saying such and such. I was pissed, and somehow "convinced" that three people told me that, that she was shite talking to a lot of people. I told people that many people were coming to me and telling me this, but in reality it was just one person. Anyway, it did end up she was telling a lot of people, she was a major gossiper. :lol:

Marsha Linehan mentions something like this in her CBT book for BPD. That some of us exaggerate, or confabulate, to be believed and validated, because of a history of not being believed and validated.

In any way, maybe you just were not happy overall in this relationship? Trust your instincts. If you're not "feeling" it, trust it. You said he's not doing other things you want him to do, so maybe the relationship is a mismatch. And perhaps this semi-confabulation is your way of getting out of a relationship you're otherwise not happy in? Because you cannot trust yourself...hope this makes sense.

In the mean time, hugs, if you like them. Breakups are never easy for anyone.


It's all....complicated. I'm not even really sure we are broken up. We ended up having really great sex (#1 breakup no no) and somewhat making up. We have a lot of push-pull cycles and in the past I've threatened to break up with him a lot. I don't know whether he really understood how serious I was about it this most recent time.

We've been together for over a year. He's met my parents but I live with them. He only sees his parents every couple of months and his relationship with them has become more strained. We had plans to get dinner with his dad a couple of weeks ago but his dad apparently cancelled them for reasons I can't exactly remember. Apparently his dad has been increasingly reclusive and he's worried his dad is having a depressive episode. He says his mom is manipulative and avoids seeing her as much as possible. I also don't know whether his mom knows about me because we're still in a poly relationship with another woman who she's met and who he's been dragging his feet about breaking up with and he's not out to her as poly. That's the other big strain on our relationship. It's been a while that I've know that the poly situation wasn't going to work out for me and that I've told him that the relationship needs to be either just us or not at all and he's been dragging his feet about it. He finally told me last night that he would talk to his therapist about it because apparently he's scared of the finality of leaving her (he's been with her for over 2 years) and not sure about how to go about breaking up with her, even though he knows the relationship has been essentially over for the past 6 months. I think that's really why I've had one foot out the door for so long but I'm hoping that he's being honest about wanting to get help with finally breaking up with her.

I guess when I talked about the distortions, what really scared me about them was the fact that I was lying to myself and couldn't tell that I was lying to myself. It wasn't so much that I was lying to other people so that they would believe me or side with me but that I was warping my perception of the events to match a perception of him that I wanted to see. I don't know if that makes any sense. I've never been much of a liar. I think that would actually be a lot easier to deal with. What I'm talking about is a lot more complex than that.

And thank you for the support. I appreciate being able to talk it out with someone.
"You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive" - James Baldwin
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby NimplyDinply » Thu Apr 28, 2016 3:09 pm

Sometimes I have a hard time putting thoughts into words, so I'll do my best to explain what I meant earlier.

Being a bit ambivalent about your relationship, perhaps due to your partner dragging his feet about being in an exclusive relationship and/or other factors, this feeling isn't acknowledged, or it is dismissed, because of not 'trusting oneself' (very common with BPD). Now that your friends, and possibly others, have said it is fishy that he hasn't introduced you to his parents, you may see this as a good enough excuse to leave the relationship. Even though on some level you 'know' that it's not entirely true, you displace your ambivalence about the relationship onto that one thing that is objectively known to be "fishy". Whereas perhaps your general feelings about the relationship are 'subjective' and due to the nature of BPD and not trusting oneself, invalidated.

Not sure if I'm making sense or not. It's just a guess, definitely not saying it's 100% certain in your case. Either way, it doesn't mean you're taking "crazy pills" but trusting yourself may be helpful. :)

If I were in your position, even if I was 100% poly, I would be a bit heartbroken, despondent and frustrated if my partner was dragging his feet about being in an exclusive relationship. You said earlier that he is not responding to your needs in your relationship. Is this particular issue a big one for you? It would be for me.

And...I can totally relate to threatening to break it off. Been there, done that dozens of times. It's what leads me to believe there may be some ambivalence going on in your relationship that is being displaced.

And, you're welcome!
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby Lusid » Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:03 pm

Everyone has a more or less legitimate excuse for not doing what you want them to. It's completely irrelevant. Someone doesn't work for you, you find someone who does. You're not under any obligation to sit on your ass and be unhappy just because someone has an excuse for not being what you want them to be.
Strong ASPD traits with NPD/BPD undertones. Sadist, addict, diagnosed PTSD.
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby Foucault_me_slowly » Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:22 pm

NimplyDinply wrote:
Not sure if I'm making sense or not. It's just a guess, definitely not saying it's 100% certain in your case. Either way, it doesn't mean you're taking "crazy pills" but trusting yourself may be helpful. :)

If I were in your position, even if I was 100% poly, I would be a bit heartbroken, despondent and frustrated if my partner was dragging his feet about being in an exclusive relationship. You said earlier that he is not responding to your needs in your relationship. Is this particular issue a big one for you? It would be for me.

And...I can totally relate to threatening to break it off. Been there, done that dozens of times. It's what leads me to believe there may be some ambivalence going on in your relationship that is being displaced.


You're definitely making sense. It is possible that I may be placing some of that frustration onto other things and using it as an excuse to end the relationship when there are bigger issues that have been bothering me. And yes, that's a huge issue for me. The whole jealousy thing has passed, but the fact that he's said he was going to do it for months now and hasn't has been really bothering me. I guess it all might come down to whether or not he really does do it. But at the same time, I don't want to sit there and wait for him to make that decision. I've been very much back and forth about this relationship for months. I honestly have no idea how I feel about it at this point. One day I'm done and the next day I see him and I'm back to being madly in love. It's all incredibly confusing.

-- Thu Apr 28, 2016 11:25 am --

Lusid wrote:Everyone has a more or less legitimate excuse for not doing what you want them to. It's completely irrelevant. Someone doesn't work for you, you find someone who does. You're not under any obligation to sit on your ass and be unhappy just because someone has an excuse for not being what you want them to be.


You're right. You're definitely right. I guess it's a matter of whether it will eventually work for me and whether I have the patience to wait for that. If it's a temporary thing or not. Sometimes it seems like it is and sometimes it seems like it isn't. Sometimes it seems like it's him and sometimes it seems like it's circumstances beyond his control like injury or family $#%^ or work $#%^. And those things, while still excuses are temporary and I can do temporary as long as they're over at some point. It beats starting all over again with a whole new person and all of their $#%^.
"You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive" - James Baldwin
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby Angelina88 » Thu Apr 28, 2016 7:03 pm

Why do you use the word "crazy"?
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby Foucault_me_slowly » Fri Apr 29, 2016 4:44 pm

Angelina88 wrote:Why do you use the word "crazy"?


"I feel like I've been taking crazy pills" is actually a silly quote from Zoolander and came to mind. Lightened the mood in my head.

Just now realized that I typed that out wrong. *facepalm*

I don't take the word "crazy" too seriously. I used it like a reclaimed word. I can call myself crazy. I can call the things I do crazy. I don't love it when someone else calls me crazy but I'm not too worried about it because I don't put too much stock in the meaning of a word that's so ubiquitous as the word "crazy".

Does it offend you?
"You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive" - James Baldwin
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Re: I feel like I'm been taking crazy pills!

Postby Angelina88 » Sat Apr 30, 2016 3:49 am

Foucault_me_slowly wrote:
Angelina88 wrote:Why do you use the word "crazy"?


"I feel like I've been taking crazy pills" is actually a silly quote from Zoolander and came to mind. Lightened the mood in my head.

Just now realized that I typed that out wrong. *facepalm*

I don't take the word "crazy" too seriously. I used it like a reclaimed word. I can call myself crazy. I can call the things I do crazy. I don't love it when someone else calls me crazy but I'm not too worried about it because I don't put too much stock in the meaning of a word that's so ubiquitous as the word "crazy".

Does it offend you?


I don't even know man
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