What am I

- extended periods of joy (sociable, feeling "on top of the world"), usually lasting approximately two weeks
- almost always followed by an intense breakdown, which can last minutes to hours, sometimes days
- almost always triggered by subtle changes in the environment. the response is completely disproportionate to the actual matter
(for example, a loved one acting "out of order" can send me into a frenzy), during which:
- i have an intense fear of abandonment
- i feel shame, embarrasment
- i self harm (cutting, scratching, pulling hair out, punching self in the face)
- i feel agonizing emotional pain, worse than any physical pain i've ever experienced.
- screaming, swearing.
- often the way that i act does not accurately reflect how i actually feel. i can recognize this during my episodes and it is extremely frustrating
- sometimes, i'll yell at myself, almost like i'm telling another person to "shut up" and "leave me alone", or to "get out of my head"
- sometimes exhibit what i simply call "f--ked in the head" symptoms, for example, laughing and crying at the same time.
- thoughts are extremely pessimistic, very eratic, always putting myself down, finding ways to convince myself what a terrible being i am, what i've done wrong, etc.
- relationships are bound to be affected. i often find myself loving/liking someone one minute, then hating/disliking them the next, for no good reason.
- sometimes violent, but not to anyone around me. just destructive (tossing furniture, smashing dishes, punching walls)
- ego is dangerously lowered. i feel like a lose a piece of it each time i finish one of these episodes.
- i can recognize what i am doing is wrong, and i want to stop, but i can't.
- feel like everything is a colassal waste of time, like no matter what i do it won't matter in the end.
- additionally can (not always) be triggered by thoughts about traumatic past experiences

- during these periods of joy, i disregard my need to seek help
- refuse to medicate (by taking prescription drugs), almost always "self medicate" (predominantly marijuana usage, alcohol abuse)
- can recognize that i need help, i just pretend i am strong enough to help myself.
- don't really care about anything, just think everything is going to work itself out somehow. often flake on important appointments, don't search for employment, etc.