Bad dating causing depression and loss of self

Hello, I'm having a huge crisis. I don't know what to do.

I feel terrible right now, after finding that someone whom I emotionally invested a great deal in has very little prospects about our relationship. I've known him for a few months but only so-so, we really started dating in the last month. He himself has personality issues which using common logic wouldn't be good because of my serious issues with BPD, ASPD and depression but I thought maybe I could help him. I decided to ignore his faults and focus on his core values and try to be positive even when it was a little hard. Something I wish a few dates would've attempted with me. Well as you probably would've guessed, its pretty clear to me now that our relationship is very unlikely to have a positive outcome. I could get into the nitty gritty about that but I don't believe its necessary.


This whole dispute has made me relapse a little bit with some of my other BPD issues, lack of self a major component. I have urges to escape my life (move to yet another city and start from scratch) and lot's of depression. In addition to this , the rest of my life is in pretty bad shape too. I'm trying to fix mistakes I've made in high school which led me away from getting a better education and followings my interests in collage and now I'm jobless and pretty much lost all my friends.

I'm trying to focus on the positive parts of what make up myself but its hard and I'm having a really hard time just functioning as a human being. Showering, eating, going to the bathroom, etc etc are hard when I'm in this type of depression. Its caused serious health problems in the past when I didn't treat common injuries like cuts and rashes which led to lot's of complications. Thankfully I'm healthy for the most part right now.

I feel like I can't help myself, I've tried so many times. I lack the support system because my family suffers from the same problems I have. It's like seeing your fate before it happens and its disheartening to say the least. I'm a point where I'm not even sure why I should even type this.

I can kind of relate to this and the way I think of it is i'm trying to use the other person to fill some need of mine that I may or may not be aware of. but for whatever reason I project onto this other person that they can fill this need for me.

its different if there is a true connection there, but in my experience, the majority of the time, its some projection happening, and some desire to fulfill some wish through this other person.

for me it helps to remind myself that its based on illusion and fantasy. the person is probably not the person I've built them up to be in my mind.

and it also lets me know I need to be working on something about myself. I try to distract myself with exercise or something to exhaust myself. I take a lot of long hikes. I think a lot during the hikes. process stuff. try to figure out what's going on with me.

fixating on other people in an unhealthy way is usually a symptom of something we need to look at about ourselves. this person has triggered it for some reason. but they probably can't fix it or solve it. they kind of point you to the direction you need to look at.

but if you have seen they are probably not a good person, its probably better not to invest in them. but use it as a jumping off point to look at parts of yourself you have been repressing or denying, I think.

Dear Supersymmetries:

I read your post and I hope you will feel better soon.

When I first read about BPD in my twenties I said: my god, it fits. But then I had other fitting into diagnoses. Diagnosed BPD by the first good therapist I saw in 2011. I lived close to 50 years, 30 of them as a legal adult, very much BPD like, moving many dozen times, relationships that were shorter than the time it takes to type the word r..e...lation...ship. (exaggeration, of course).

Because of heavy duty therapy and hard work on healing, I am finally ... not BPD, not kidding you. This is not necessarily a life sentence.

But was it (it was) a lot of work. Now I deal with anxiety- what is at the core of almost everything else.

I survived all those years in all kinds of ways. At my worst I gave up any and all hope and expectation for anything better. And that worked at the time. My life circumstances were bad but I endured it. I said to myself: I will just live from one moment to the next. I went into survival mode, like a tree shedding all its branches and only the trunk remains so to survive. I shed everything, every last shred of hope and I just was.

If you would like to communicate further, please do post again..
atina

Sorry it took me so long to reply everyone. I did read all of your comments and it did help me through a hard time.

I should let you all know that I am still seeing "said" person. However I've found ways to become a little stronger and understand how a real relationship dynamic is supposed to work. With friends and "lovers" I've always found it hard to be able to accept our independence but I'm slowly getting better.

Derek *his name* is actually much better than I gave him credit for, we both had a discussion and I found out that he had aspergers which explained many things to me. He pointed out how important independence in a relationship is to him and I think that will also help me adapt better.

Do I think our relationship will last? I'm unsure but I don't think I'm going to leave the situation empty handed. If anything he's going to give me tools to go into other relationships with.

As for my other issues, they still are apparent. I have lot's of issues in my life, ranging from education, work and home issues. There's an uphill battle for me to become the best person I'm capable of. I need to find a way to make that an empowerment instead of an impairment.

Hi,
I was just about to reply before i seen your updated comment...so i will just answer the last part now

Its great that you have pin pointed the " aspergers" now you have some knowledge to work with, the key to managing issues of others on top of your own is to understand it and find coping skills to adapt too, yes it can be done IF you gain enough knowledge before it gets out of hand...

I only learnt my ex issues "after" he ended our relationship,he is still in denial and wont accept his part.

I truly believe if couples work together and learn to understand each other they have a good chance of it working definitely, never take things for granted, respect each other.

Echinacea wrote:Hi,
I was just about to reply before i seen your updated comment...so i will just answer the last part now

Its great that you have pin pointed the " aspergers" now you have some knowledge to work with, the key to managing issues of others on top of your own is to understand it and find coping skills to adapt too, yes it can be done IF you gain enough knowledge before it gets out of hand...

I only learnt my ex issues "after" he ended our relationship,he is still in denial and wont accept his part.

I truly believe if couples work together and learn to understand each other they have a good chance of it working definitely, never take things for granted, respect each other.

Exactly