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What happened to me? Maybe BPD makes me a better person

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What happened to me? Maybe BPD makes me a better person

Postby AudreyDaye » Mon Mar 30, 2015 10:18 am

The name of this thread is probably going to enrage some people.. But let me explain.

2ish years ago I started dating my boyfriend. From then on my BPD started to disappear. For a while I was still having emotional breakdowns during every fight, at one point sobbing on the floor in a ball. One day he said to me "if you keep telling me that I deserve better and trying to break up with me during every fight, I'm going to start agreeing with you." I never did it again. It wasn't even a conscious decision.
I always say he's the order in our relationship, and I'm the chaos. The only thing we argue about these days is that I'm messy and don't clean much, he does it all.
Needless to say, my psych was thrilled, telling me that I give her hope for her other BPD patients.
Since him, I've held down full time jobs, managed to get a normal sleeping pattern, am almost never depressed (except for hormonal reasons) and even have my anger mostly under control. Then something someone said to me really stuck in my head. See, I had this dumb online "relationship" with some kid I met on some dumb app. It was really just something that happened to me, I had no idea he was serious until it was too late. Anyway, after I "broke up" with him, he told said "You're not looking for love, you're looking for co-existence". It made me wonder, "is that who I am now?" I used to have these intense, drama-filled relationships true BPD style. Sure, they may not have been the most healthy thing in the world... But they were fun

Anyway, in the last 6 months or so, I've lost my ability to socialise. I used to be the life of the party, the "cool" one. I used to have people hanging on my every word, there wasn't a guy I set my sights on that I couldn't get.
Now I have panic attacks so bad I can't breathe, I say awkward weird things and people generally don't want to be around me. I've cut 2 pretty close friends out of my life, and it didn't bother me at all? The friends I do have left are frequently complaining that I never reply to texts, or that they never see me. I feel very disconnected to the person I used to be. That person was rife with BPD issues, but I have to ask myself, was I happier then? I'm a recluse now, albeit a mostly stable one. I still have impulse control issues, but that's just mainly been with spending money online, and it hasn't sent me into debts or anything.
I also realised recently I have pretty high levels of paranoia. Others in my life are frequently commenting on it. I'm spending so much time inside my own head, because I don't know how to connect to others anymore. I envy people who are relaxed about their life, because I am never relaxed anymore. I used to have a drinking problem, and I am starting to turn to alcohol to relax, which I am worried may take me down that path again.
I'm not really looking for sympathy, or even suggestions. Just curious to hear if anyone else has any similar stories? I am quite lonely connection-wise, as I can't talk about my BPD to anyone. They don't understand.
I miss the online friends I used to have on here, perhaps it's because I'm basically new here, but I just don't feel the same sense of community that used to be here on the BPD forum.
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Re: What happened to me? Maybe BPD makes me a better person

Postby justagirl00 » Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:23 pm

I relate a lot to your post, especially the second part.

I think its good to take a break from the drama filled relationships and be reclusive sometimes, take some time to analyze yourself and gain awareness and insight. That's what I've been doing the past year and I think I've made a lot of progress.

The drama filled relationships just serve to distract us from looking at ourselves and what we need to do differently or areas to improve in, and of course the drama stresses us out, while also being "fun."

I see it that the "fun" comes from feeling alive, not having to deal with ourselves, but having another to deflect off of, and "blame" for stuff that may be our own doing. I'm speaking for myself, but maybe others will relate.

I agree, the people on the boards changes a lot. People move on and stop posting, new people come in. I've made some friends here though and there are a few consistent people who seem to stay around.

Anyways..thank you for posting :) I really relate a lot. Its always validating and vaguely eerie when I read a post that seems like I could have written it myself.

Hugs if wanted
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Re: What happened to me? Maybe BPD makes me a better person

Postby Mary24 » Thu Apr 02, 2015 9:26 pm

justagirl00 wrote:I see it that the "fun" comes from feeling alive, not having to deal with ourselves, but having another to deflect off of, and "blame" for stuff that may be our own doing.


Very insightful post, Justagirl.
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Re: What happened to me? Maybe BPD makes me a better person

Postby justagirl00 » Thu Apr 02, 2015 11:48 pm

Mary24 wrote:
justagirl00 wrote:I see it that the "fun" comes from feeling alive, not having to deal with ourselves, but having another to deflect off of, and "blame" for stuff that may be our own doing.


Very insightful post, Justagirl.


Thank you very much Mary <3
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Re: What happened to me? Maybe BPD makes me a better person

Postby madjoe » Fri Apr 03, 2015 6:13 am

it does
and here's the kicker
getting "better" makes you wors
as does therapy
because than you can really see how ###$ up this world really is and you'll have to deal with it with out het borderline
(for me ) the only cure is excepting how crazy this world is (and go a little crazy myself)

look at it like this
if everyone lies
and you tell the truth
you are gonna feel out of place and look wierd (ostracize?)
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Re: What happened to me? Maybe BPD makes me a better person

Postby Private Joker » Fri Apr 03, 2015 4:05 pm

Yeah, I'm gradually becoming more avoidant myself. I don't like it either. I never think about having children, and I never think about getting married. I guess I don't want a normal life. Don't think anyone on this thread would be considered normal, so maybe we're sane, maybe we're the lucky ones and everyone else is crazy. Maybe we should do like Tim Leary said and "Find the Others".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9HVAHbg_3k
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