The name of this thread is probably going to enrage some people.. But let me explain.
2ish years ago I started dating my boyfriend. From then on my BPD started to disappear. For a while I was still having emotional breakdowns during every fight, at one point sobbing on the floor in a ball. One day he said to me "if you keep telling me that I deserve better and trying to break up with me during every fight, I'm going to start agreeing with you." I never did it again. It wasn't even a conscious decision.
I always say he's the order in our relationship, and I'm the chaos. The only thing we argue about these days is that I'm messy and don't clean much, he does it all.
Needless to say, my psych was thrilled, telling me that I give her hope for her other BPD patients.
Since him, I've held down full time jobs, managed to get a normal sleeping pattern, am almost never depressed (except for hormonal reasons) and even have my anger mostly under control. Then something someone said to me really stuck in my head. See, I had this dumb online "relationship" with some kid I met on some dumb app. It was really just something that happened to me, I had no idea he was serious until it was too late. Anyway, after I "broke up" with him, he told said "You're not looking for love, you're looking for co-existence". It made me wonder, "is that who I am now?" I used to have these intense, drama-filled relationships true BPD style. Sure, they may not have been the most healthy thing in the world... But they were fun
Anyway, in the last 6 months or so, I've lost my ability to socialise. I used to be the life of the party, the "cool" one. I used to have people hanging on my every word, there wasn't a guy I set my sights on that I couldn't get.
Now I have panic attacks so bad I can't breathe, I say awkward weird things and people generally don't want to be around me. I've cut 2 pretty close friends out of my life, and it didn't bother me at all? The friends I do have left are frequently complaining that I never reply to texts, or that they never see me. I feel very disconnected to the person I used to be. That person was rife with BPD issues, but I have to ask myself, was I happier then? I'm a recluse now, albeit a mostly stable one. I still have impulse control issues, but that's just mainly been with spending money online, and it hasn't sent me into debts or anything.
I also realised recently I have pretty high levels of paranoia. Others in my life are frequently commenting on it. I'm spending so much time inside my own head, because I don't know how to connect to others anymore. I envy people who are relaxed about their life, because I am never relaxed anymore. I used to have a drinking problem, and I am starting to turn to alcohol to relax, which I am worried may take me down that path again.
I'm not really looking for sympathy, or even suggestions. Just curious to hear if anyone else has any similar stories? I am quite lonely connection-wise, as I can't talk about my BPD to anyone. They don't understand.
I miss the online friends I used to have on here, perhaps it's because I'm basically new here, but I just don't feel the same sense of community that used to be here on the BPD forum.