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*TW* Boyfriend left, lost job, just got BPD diagn. HELP ME!

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*TW* Boyfriend left, lost job, just got BPD diagn. HELP ME!

Postby mariamichella » Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:07 am

I'm desperate and I have nothing to live for. I just got out of the mental hospital after a week there where they diagnosed me with bpd. I had no idea, I just knew something was wrong with me. I've known that for years. But they diagnosed me too late and I got fired from my job because of my odd behavior and my boyfriend of 3 years doesn't love me anymore, again, due to my behavior. I just don't know what to do. Losing him also means losing our home as we live together. I'm losing all my dreams and hopes for the future. All the memories. And the only person I can blame is myself for my own destructive behavior. I've been super abusive, controlling, needy and I've tried to control it but couldn't and now he's had enough. I'm 30 years old, turning 31 soon. I'm not living the life I wanted and it's killing me. The lack of love in his eyes is killing me. He used to love me, even though I acted crazy, but now it's just gone. He wants to protect himself, find himself again, doesn't want things to go back to the way they were, and doesn't want to have to work around my bpd. I don't know what to do or how to survive this. I keep thinking about killing myself constantly. I'm crying constantly, having panic attacks, horrible nightmares. I'm not receiving treatment yet either. Someone, please help me. Please talk to me. How can I stop hating myself, how can I forgive myself for losing the love of my life because of this behavior? Please help!
Last edited by justagirl00 on Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited to add trigger warning.
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Re: Boyfriend left, lost job, just got BPD diagnosis. HELP ME!

Postby justagirl00 » Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:03 pm

Hello mariamichella and welcome to the forum

Big hugs if wanted. You are going through a lot right now.

Its natural you would be overwhelmed and feel a little desperate but please hang in there for awhile longer.

I am worried about your suicidal ideation. Please do not do anything rash. You are going through a hard time now but I promise things will turn around. Things will get better even though it may not seem like it right now.

Most of us have hit bottom at one point where everything looked hopeless, but the good thing about hitting bottom is things can only go up from here. You will survive this.

Is it possible for you to go back to the hospital until the suicidal ideation passes?

Please keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.

Big hugs if wanted
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Re: *TW* Boyfriend left, lost job, just got BPD diagn. HELP ME!

Postby mariamichella » Fri Feb 20, 2015 10:06 am

Hi!

Thanks for the hugs! I need lots of them.

The suicidal thought wont go away but the psych hospital wont keep me in as they're afraid I'll have trouble returning to society after being there. Everything just seems so hopeless. I've lost a great love because of this disease. I'd love advice on how to control myself until I'm receiving treatment. My thoughts are dark and I'm splitting a lot. I'm super needy as well. I still live with my ex and it's so painful to see him treat me as an acquaintance when once there was love, once he gave of himself despite my bad behavior. How am I supposed to LIVE with the memories of knowing what I've done? How I've behaved. How I've ruined my own happiness because of my bpd obsessiveness. All advice welcome! I really need someone to talk to! Thanks for the hugs!
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