by mariamichella » Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:07 am
I'm desperate and I have nothing to live for. I just got out of the mental hospital after a week there where they diagnosed me with bpd. I had no idea, I just knew something was wrong with me. I've known that for years. But they diagnosed me too late and I got fired from my job because of my odd behavior and my boyfriend of 3 years doesn't love me anymore, again, due to my behavior. I just don't know what to do. Losing him also means losing our home as we live together. I'm losing all my dreams and hopes for the future. All the memories. And the only person I can blame is myself for my own destructive behavior. I've been super abusive, controlling, needy and I've tried to control it but couldn't and now he's had enough. I'm 30 years old, turning 31 soon. I'm not living the life I wanted and it's killing me. The lack of love in his eyes is killing me. He used to love me, even though I acted crazy, but now it's just gone. He wants to protect himself, find himself again, doesn't want things to go back to the way they were, and doesn't want to have to work around my bpd. I don't know what to do or how to survive this. I keep thinking about killing myself constantly. I'm crying constantly, having panic attacks, horrible nightmares. I'm not receiving treatment yet either. Someone, please help me. Please talk to me. How can I stop hating myself, how can I forgive myself for losing the love of my life because of this behavior? Please help!
Last edited by
justagirl00 on Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited to add trigger warning.