Am I in this alone? Can anyone please relate/help me?

Hi everyone.

I have bi-polar (type II) and have been getting support from another on-line forum for that. I recently posted about my relationship difficulties and some of the people on that forum, with BPD, stated that they felt I was displaying BPD traits. Having read the DSMV and ICD10; I have to agree.

I recently wrote down the following and took them to my assessment with a psychotherapist:

My theories on relationships:

If I am horrible to them, and they leave me, well at least they've left me/cheated on me because I was horrible as opposed to being nice. If I am nice and they leave/cheat on me then that would mean it was 'me' (but it's me anyway).

Push, push, push them away. If they stay then they love you, and if they leave, they don't.

I want you. I don't want you. Hang on, now you've gone......I want you!

I only seem to want someone if they don't want me or if they want me too much.

I am very much: go away....come back....go away...come back.

If it appears that the relationship will end, even after a minor disagreement; I think death is the only answer and want to kill myself.

I have zero friends. I have a boyfriend but, as usual, we've split up numerous time and gotten back together. This is ruining my life. I have never had a long-term relationship. I am extremely paranoid. I constantly believe my boyfriend is up to something. Constantly.

I tend to stay with people that are wrong for me. I know they are but it beats being alone. I stay in very destructive relationships. My ex was so awful and paranoid. It seems I have taken on his personality. I am more paranoid now that I have ever been.

If anyone can talk to me, relate, help me in anyway I would be extremely grateful. I would love to know that I am not alone.

I could write so much more but I fear this post is too long already. Thank you for reading. It means a lot.

x

you are not alone.

the push pull thing bothers me as well. there are many others with similar challenges

regarding whether the person leaves you, whether you are nice or horrible, there is also another perception.

its the person's choice whether he wants to be with you or not. if you be horrible to them, you are creating bad memories for yourself. but if you have nice time, then even ur enjoying life.

trigger warning
a weird analogy would be, we have to take a bathe. either it'll be a warm soothing one or a cold one under a fast shower

being alone isnt easy. i can say that even i struggle with loneliness n end up with people who are unhealthy for me.

Thank you for your reply. Interestingly, someone else has started a very similar thread. I can relate to the words in that other thread.

Your words make a lot of sense. I wish I could let myself go and have fun. I just feel, if I am always on guard and accusing, then if my partner screws me over then I won't look like a fool. I guess I have a fear of someone treating me like a mug. I don't want to appear stupid. I don't want to be alone, even though I have been alone before and survived.

Relationships are so alien to me. They make no sense at all. I can't seem to get my head around them. I need to know everything about a person. I know that's ridiculous.

I hate this! Why is it such torture. Why are relationships torturous? Does anyone else find them; hell??? I want to be normal. Why am I not normal?

I was diagnosed with bpd and bipolar. it is possible for both to coexist, it just makes things a lot more chaotic because it is like layers of different problems piled up. I relate to all of what you say although im not in a relationship atm, social relations give me anxiety and i am kind of a shut in. I have one ex and it was a serious relationship, always extremely push and pull. Breaking up all the time, etc. I have push and pull issues and splitting with my friends and family though, all relationships suck and paranoia makes it worse. I don't really have advice unfortunately, but i do relate.

Welcome, go_away_stay!

You are not alone. Please remember to take it easy on yourself... you've gone through a lot already, I'm sure, and it's time to be your own soothing and forgiving voice.

You've done a great job with your self reflection! That is usually the first step on a long... and often painful... journey towards healing. Please know that there is an easier and fulfilling future for you if you're willing to have the courage to face difficult things and to work hard to have it.

Are you seeing a therapist?

All my love,
aa

*Sigh*

This entire post describes my relationships as well. I'm in that stage where "if he loved me, he'd come back to me even if I put him through hell". He's not coming back

BPD describes all of my relationships, but I have recently been exploring bipolar type II, as I've started seeking professional help and I can tell by their questions that bipolar disorder is on the table. I guess I'll have to wait and see what the doctor comes back with, but I would definitely suggest seeing a professional if you aren't already. I found it helped me sort out my thoughts!

Go_away_stay wrote:if I am always on guard and accusing, then if my partner screws me over then I won't look like a fool. I guess I have a fear of someone treating me like a mug. I don't want to appear stupid. I don't want to be alone, even though I have been alone before and survived.

I need to know everything about a person.

I hate this! Why is it such torture. Why are relationships torturous? Does anyone else find them; hell??? I want to be normal. Why am I not normal?

It's ok to not be appear as a fool. Everyone wants to be thought of as smart, strong, fun going person. That's why we have so many folks who post their happy moments on fb. they want others to think nice of them. that's why people shave, wear great clothes. most people buy cars just cause of status value.

so at some point we all care what others think of us.
the thing about relationship/friendship is, it allows you the freedom to say stupid things. i've had friends with whom i've cracked bizarre jokes. that's the point in friendship, you can say the stupidest things n get away with it.

i understand where you say you dont want to be treated like a mug. i think you meant rug here. i have been treated like that n i regret letting it happen. i guess if someone is treating you in a way you dont like, then you have a right to either stand up to that person or ignore the person. but that doesnt mean that everyone is like that.

if one dog has rabies n bites someone, it doesnt mean that the person should go out n kill all the dogs. weird analogy.

regarding everything knowing about a person. i dont want to know everything cause then even i would have to say stuff n i have done stuff i am super ashamed of. knowing about a person's past wont help me. i'd rather take the person out on a roller coaster ride n then in some haunted house where a giant skull will be the place where i'll propose to her.
then we'll go to some island n lie on a hammock all day. it doesnt matter whether she was a bully in her childhood or whether she once threw her cat out of the window.

there is no definition of normal. we all have different thoughts and challenges. bpd is difficult. i woke up crying today. so dealing with it is easier said than done. one day at a time helps...