Anyone Content to be alone?

I have essentially been in remission from most all of my BPD symptoms for the better part of a year but this weekend I relapsed with self-harm and now I've just been at home drinking myself emotionally numb.

Relationships always destroy me. The one thing I want is to connect to someone and be loved and feel secure, but it's just impossible. I've been seeing a really great guy for a couple of weeks and within a few days, I've already lost it completely, even accidentally striking him in the face. I was doing fine until he told me that he really liked me and felt that I was too guarded and wanted me to know I could trust him. Once I let myself be vulnerable, my abandonment fears have completely taken over my psyche. Everything he says or does, I filter through an abandonment lens and accuse him of awful, truly outlandish things.

Last night, we slept together and I immediately regretted it because I expected him to want to be in a relationship now and he had no expectations that anything should change. He said he doesn't want to rush into a relationship and something about not planning out his future because it's not guaranteed. He told me I should take the same approach and not get so emotionally involved. I lost it! I understand what he was trying to get at, but all I felt was used up for sex and then thrown away. He has been trying to reassure me, but I made it up in my mind last night that if I let go of the desire to one day be married and in love with a family, then maybe I won't take dating so seriously and won't fear abandonment because I won't expect to have a future with them anyway!

It made sense to me last night. But this morning, I realized just how much that desire actually is what has been keeping me moving forward. Everything I've done to heal myself has been for the idea that I would have this ideal future with a family. I wanted to be emotionally healthy and ready for that future and so I worked hard to get my symptoms under control. But without that to look forward to, what's the point?? I have NO reason to care about my future now. Tomorrow doesn't even matter. If I'm just going to be alone and emotionally tortured for the rest of my life, why would I even want to live for that? I don't know if I'm making any sense. I've just been abandoned my entire life, all I've asked in return for my suffering is for someone to finally just love me and not leave. Apparently that's asking too much. I was single for 2 years and did find that I was doing really well, BUT the loneliness was too much to bear.

Has anyone decided to give up on love and relationships and found peace with that life at all? How do you cope with the loneliness?

iCandi wrote:Has anyone decided to give up on love and relationships and found peace with that life at all? How do you cope with the loneliness?

I used to actively seek out relationships but, being a BPD, I would often become extremely emotionally attached almost immediately. When a relationship ended I would have intense feelings of abandonment which would always trigger a nervous breakdown and a relapse into drug and alcohol abuse. This turmoil was too much to handle, and a few years ago I came to the conclusion that I would never find someone to love and would have to come to terms with being alone my entire life.

However, my black and white perspective on relationships alone has changed since then. While I have become content to be alone, I also try to keep an open mind about finding love without actively seeking it out.

Although there are times the loneliness seems too much to bear, most of the time I am content leading a solitary life. I have found some peace by looking inward and examining my true self, rather than trying to complete my life by finding a partner. Writing, meditating, reading, and playing music all help keep me sane.

While I have hope that bettering myself and learning to cope with my disorder will one day allow me to have a healthy relationship, I also am not pushing too hard to find one.

I think there is one important question a BPD should ask themselves when it comes time to decide whether or not to pursue dating or lead a solitary life: which currently causes more suffering, trying to find love or leading a solitary life? I know this sounds like a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario, but it is important to remember that choosing to be alone does not have to be a permanent choice-- there is always the chance that therapy and self examination will bring changes in our thought process that will allow us to be in a healthy relationship someday.

iCandi wrote:I have essentially been in remission from most all of my BPD symptoms for the better part of a year but this weekend I relapsed with self-harm and now I've just been at home drinking myself emotionally numb....

Oh I am so sorry! I did feel it is odd that it played out the way that it did (him not wanting to rush in to a relationship with you and yet so willing to hop in to bed). My question always has been and will always be.....what about falling in love, really getting to know someone, and (dare I add) marriage before taking it so far?

Hi!

I'm single and have always been single and honestly, I'd be afraid of a relationship. I'm too afraid of hurting people or getting hurt, so I guess I'll be single for a long time.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. He surely didn't act in an appropriate way.

I suggest that you focus on your own life and hopefully you'll find what you're looking for one day.

iCandi, I can't say it was my first choice to be alone, but I find it's slightly easier. The only person who can hurt me is me. Granted, I've hurt myself pretty badly, but at least I know it's coming. Besides, I need too much fixing to be of any good to anyone.

That said, I wouldn't recommend anyone else doing it. Living without hope isn't a good way to go through life. I know it's very difficult to risk the abandonment, but most people, as hard as it is for us to believe, really aren't out to leave us. We just have to watch to see what they're in for; is it short term? The long haul? What? Hopefully, their goals match ours.

Recently I met a girl in my therapist's waiting room. I sensed she was also borderline. Both of us were wary initially but then got started talking and, surprisingly, hit it off.

We talked about our splitting issues - the tiring wariness - the inability to absorb more complex emotions and being frustrated at simply not understanding the more mature emotions other adults are capable of. We both agreed that because of the inability to understand the full spectrum of emotions we both tended to avoid the mind-game players, the BS specialists.

We felt like two kids discovering snow for the first time, together! We automatically laughed a lot with a strange sense of relief.

We waited to finish both our sessions and felt comfortable enough to go for coffee. It was a fantastic evening - very honest, very open - we had nothing to hide from each other. We are again meeting for dinner soon. We laughed like we hadn't laughed in quite some time.

Takes one to know one. I have felt like an angry, tantrum-y kid for the longest time. It was just nice to find someone else with the same secret. Not sure where this goes - but makes it seem like a hasty idea to totally avoid other people.

Hope it helps!

Thanks so much you guys for your responses! This really helped me to put things in perspective. I feel so stupid now looking back at how irrational I've been. And I really don't even know why I was freaking out. That's what I hate about my impulsiveness. Once I cause all the destruction, the next day, I'm totally over it and just expect the consequences of my actions to disappear.

shidabis wrote: I think there is one important question a BPD should ask themselves when it comes time to decide whether or not to pursue dating or lead a solitary life: which currently causes more suffering, trying to find love or leading a solitary life?

I love this. It actually makes it quite simple. And you're so right about the black/white perspective on relationships. Not having a relationship today in no way means I'm automatically going to die alone. And I literally accepted that as fact and completely lost my mind. Ugh.
And there is actually something freeing about saying 'I don't know what the future will bring, and I'm going to release the notion that I can control it and just focus on living my life in the present'. Because, let's face it, there are plenty of areas of my present life that I can put my focus into improving.

Thanks again!

It's best if I remain single for now. And I enjoy being alone or "on the surface" for the most part, with most people.

iCandi wrote:I have essentially been in remission from most all of my BPD symptoms for the better part of a year but this weekend I relapsed with self-harm and now I've just been at home drinking myself emotionally numb.

Relationships always destroy me. The one thing I want is to connect to someone and be loved and feel secure, but it's just impossible. I've been seeing a really great guy for a couple of weeks and within a few days, I've already lost it completely, even accidentally striking him in the face. I was doing fine until he told me that he really liked me and felt that I was too guarded and wanted me to know I could trust him. Once I let myself be vulnerable, my abandonment fears have completely taken over my psyche. Everything he says or does, I filter through an abandonment lens and accuse him of awful, truly outlandish things.

Last night, we slept together and I immediately regretted it because I expected him to want to be in a relationship now and he had no expectations that anything should change. He said he doesn't want to rush into a relationship and something about not planning out his future because it's not guaranteed. He told me I should take the same approach and not get so emotionally involved. I lost it! I understand what he was trying to get at, but all I felt was used up for sex and then thrown away. He has been trying to reassure me, but I made it up in my mind last night that if I let go of the desire to one day be married and in love with a family, then maybe I won't take dating so seriously and won't fear abandonment because I won't expect to have a future with them anyway!

It made sense to me last night. But this morning, I realized just how much that desire actually is what has been keeping me moving forward. Everything I've done to heal myself has been for the idea that I would have this ideal future with a family. I wanted to be emotionally healthy and ready for that future and so I worked hard to get my symptoms under control. But without that to look forward to, what's the point?? I have NO reason to care about my future now. Tomorrow doesn't even matter. If I'm just going to be alone and emotionally tortured for the rest of my life, why would I even want to live for that? I don't know if I'm making any sense. I've just been abandoned my entire life, all I've asked in return for my suffering is for someone to finally just love me and not leave. Apparently that's asking too much. I was single for 2 years and did find that I was doing really well, BUT the loneliness was too much to bear.

Has anyone decided to give up on love and relationships and found peace with that life at all? How do you cope with the loneliness?

i think it might be easier for anyone with bpds symptoms- lots of nons have these traits as well- to not have sex until the other person is emotionally attached as well. guys are strange creatures, they like you more if they dont sleep with you. to be fair, there is no way he can know if he wants a future with you after only a few weeks and ironically, the only way he'll know if he cares for you, is through sex. he was leading you on and was possibly just looking to get laid by saying all the "i really like you" stuff. it happens, he could even think that but that's idealization.

early sex forces the issue, men dont think about the seriousness of the relationship until that happens. if they're not ready for such a commitment they will withdraw.

try to get to know the other person slowly. that will ease your abandonment fears. as for the point of living and advancing, i think if you'll find someone who is willing to reassure you in a way that's believable, you'll be fine. that kind of relationship wont happen after only a few weeks though.

biancayagger wrote:early sex forces the issue, men dont think about the seriousness of the relationship until that happens. if they're not ready for such a commitment they will withdraw.

Maybe I am not assexual, just honest and schizo.

But I doubt it. Most man, wont lose an opportunity.

The truth is, I wouldnt enter in a relation were the partner would be much more commited. Unfortunetly to me this always seen the case. I have a much slower pace, and I am not particulary attractive to be an one night stand. This has to do with honesty, but also with fear of engulfment.