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Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

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Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby xfa » Wed Oct 22, 2014 11:06 pm

I am very emotionally dysregulated right now and I might regret having made this post later on, but I just have to "vent". Most people won't understand this, but some might. I highly doubt it though.

So a few minutes ago I was bored, browsing through the internet and out of boredom I checked the deactivated account of my ex. Turns out, she reactivated it. I don't really know why, but I had an extreme reaction. I was shocked, it felt unreal. Extreme anxiety was pumping up. I could feel my stomach turning..I just couldn't believe it. I was glad when she deactivated it, because it was so triggering, but at the same time I couldn't help but compulsively check it..

Luckily there haven't been any triggering posts (she is quite inactive), but I couldn't help but dig out old posts that she had made which I still obsess about to this day. One of those posts was quite triggering and was mainly about promiscuity. She stated something along the lines of "i want sex. with lots of partners, variety. go partying etc..". It was so bad that I could only deal with it through suicidal ideation. I just felt like leaving this place, because I just can't ######6 let go of her already and the pain those "triggers" can cause is so incredibly intense.

I am quite afraid of all this right now and I have to stay away from her site, that's for sure. She has complete power over me despite NC. Any posts she might make that would indicate her moving on or having found somebody else (or her being promiscuous) will trigger the $#%^ out of me and to be really honest, I don't know if I am capable of dealing with that at this point in time. I am at a state of mind where triggers like that (which have to do with her) are an existential threat (which sounds ridiculous, I know, but I mean it).

I feel so threatened by it. It's like she now has the capability of hurting me again, the ability of destroying me...I don't really know how to describe it..

Can anybody relate?
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby justagirl00 » Thu Oct 23, 2014 4:31 am

I can relate. I had a similar experience a few nights ago. I checked the facebook account of an old boyfriend. We broke up two years ago but he has continued contacting me now and then, claiming to be single even though I knew he was probably seeing someone.

I checked his facebook and they are now facebook official! I can't even describe how badly that triggered me. This is the most commitment phobic guy. I thought he would never get into a real relationship and I hate it that she holds that place in his life, his official, serious girlfriend. He would never treat me with that amount of respect or consideration. I hate that he treats her better and considers her better and more worthy than me. I feel so pushed aside. Even though he has continued to contact me, I know he only does it when he's bored or needs someone to talk to. I'm not special to him, never have been, never will be.

He's not even a great guy, its more a blow to my ego. I actually feel bad for that girl because knowing him, he's going to cheat on her and no doubt has been the whole time. I can't believe someone can be so naive as to trust him. She's wasting her time. But I hate the thought that he considers her more worthy than me.

So I can relate to you. I'm not as triggered by promiscuity as you are, but I'm a female so that's normal. I mean I do hate to think of my exes having sex with other people, but its the commitment part that bothers me more.

I know the thing to do is to make ourselves stop checking their pages. But its so compulsive.

So that night I just cried and felt miserable. I even sent him a text calling him names but I don't even know if he got it because he didn't get back to me.

I'm sorry about what you are going through though. Its hell. Its so hard to get over people sometimes, and I think part of us keeps hoping things will get patched up maybe. Even when we don't even want that, its just comforting to know the possibility is there.

I hope this helped at least to know that someone else is having a similar experience.

I hope you're feeling better today?
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby xfa » Thu Oct 23, 2014 7:28 pm

justagirl00 wrote:I checked his facebook and they are now facebook official! I can't even describe how badly that triggered me. This is the most commitment phobic guy. I thought he would never get into a real relationship and I hate it that she holds that place in his life, his official, serious girlfriend. He would never treat me with that amount of respect or consideration. I hate that he treats her better and considers her better and more worthy than me. I feel so pushed aside. Even though he has continued to contact me, I know he only does it when he's bored or needs someone to talk to. I'm not special to him, never have been, never will be.

I can relate to this so much. I am actually quite afraid of this happening, because my ex was extremely afraid of commitment aswell. That (among other attachment issues) made this whole thing fall apart. I would feel the same way as you did and can totally understand your reaction..

Have you thought about cutting him out of your life?

justagirl00 wrote:He's not even a great guy, its more a blow to my ego. I actually feel bad for that girl because knowing him, he's going to cheat on her and no doubt has been the whole time. I can't believe someone can be so naive as to trust him. She's wasting her time. But I hate the thought that he considers her more worthy than me.

I understand. Rationally I pity her future girl- or boyfriends aswell, because they'll probably have to go through the same $#%^ like I did. On the other hand, I can't help but be jealous. Shortly after a breakup it feels like that person still owns a huge portion of your self-image/self-esteem and seems to have control over it. So you obsess and obsess about what they might be thinking about you or what they have been thinking about you at a certain point in time only in hopes that you could restore some of that "lost" self-esteem...

justagirl00 wrote:So I can relate to you. I'm not as triggered by promiscuity as you are, but I'm a female so that's normal. I mean I do hate to think of my exes having sex with other people, but its the commitment part that bothers me more.

In my case I get jealous in terms of sex, commitment and emotional affairs. But sex stands out the most for some reason...She never cheated on me, but she's made this one statement a few months ago (which was proof that she wouldn't fully commit):"I am actually afraid that I could cheat on you at some point in the future...it could happen"..(she knows how it feels like to be cheated on. she was cheated on in several relationships). She never did (except for one meaningless kiss with her ex-sexualrelationship)..She would also insist on flirting online, because she liked it. It made me so angry..Especially on this site she constantly flirted..I just couldn't take it..And she was so selfish. This meaningless validation she was seeking from strangers was more important to her than my well-being..And I gave so much up for her, was so dedicated..We just weren't on the same level..

justagirl00 wrote:I'm sorry about what you are going through though. Its hell. Its so hard to get over people sometimes, and I think part of us keeps hoping things will get patched up maybe. Even when we don't even want that, its just comforting to know the possibility is there.

I want her out of my life completely. If she contacts me, I will reject her. I can't deal with it right now and I know how it would end. I am not hoping for us to be in contact again. I feel sick just thinking about it..

justagirl00 wrote:I hope this helped at least to know that someone else is having a similar experience.

It's incredibly that even after 2 years since your breakup you still seem attached to him. How are you dealing with it right now compared to back then? We broke up around one month ago.
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby justagirl00 » Fri Oct 24, 2014 11:47 pm

Yeah, I can't believe I'm still so attached to him. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. We broke up almost two years ago. I got extremely attached to him while we were together. It always takes a long time for my attachments to go away, but this is ridiculous.

It sounds hard what you are going through also. Especially with a recent break up likes yours.

But stalking their pages is so tempting, just to see what they are doing. Hoping to see they are still alone and not dating anyone. You risk finding out something you don't want to know though. :( Its probably not worth the risk.
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby xfa » Sat Oct 25, 2014 12:01 am

justagirl00 wrote:Yeah, I can't believe I'm still so attached to him. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. We broke up almost two years ago. I got extremely attached to him while we were together. It always takes a long time for my attachments to go away, but this is ridiculous.

I admire that actually. I see so many posts of people just devaluing and discarding their partner and tbh, I don't want my ex to do that with me, because that's also something I am not doing to her. I can't devalue her and just discard her, because she meant and still means a lot to me. I sincerlely, deeply and truly care about her. Another factor is that I don't want all the good times we shared to go to waste like that..

justagirl00 wrote:But stalking their pages is so tempting, just to see what they are doing. Hoping to see they are still alone and not dating anyone. You risk finding out something you don't want to know though. :( Its probably not worth the risk.

It is EXTREMELY tempting. It's this curiousity and this thrill. And the more hurtful/triggering it can be, the higher the thrill....It's almost like playing russian roulette sometimes..
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby justagirl00 » Mon Oct 27, 2014 3:12 am

It seems like you really care about her and have a lot of good memories. I think that makes it harder. Its harder to let go when you think highly of the person.

I had devalued my ex a long time ago but was still attached in a way but not like you are. It crushed my ego, I couldn't stand that he had D/D'ed me and moved on way before I did. I don't think I'm attached the way you are, just obsessed with seeing how he has moved on in his life.

But you're right. There is definitely a thrill. I see it as a form of self-harm I guess. I don't want to know, because once I know its a horrible feeling, very triggering, but I can't stop myself from looking.

You asked how it was right after I broke up from my bf 2 years ago. It was awful. I had the password to his phone account and I spent hours every day logged onto his account seeing all the people he was calling and who was calling him. So OCD. It gave me horrible anxiety to see him talking to so many other people. I wanted to see if he was still talking to his ex-gf. He was. So OCD on my part. It was extremely stalkerish. One of the things that finally made me realize I have a serious problem. I did that for months before finally telling him I had been doing that, then of course he changed his password.

He has continued to contact me since we've been broken up but like I said, only every few months. I'm sure only when he's run dry of other sources of supply. I'm over him, just not over the ego blow of being discarded. He's very Narc.
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby xfa » Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:16 pm

justagirl00 wrote:It seems like you really care about her and have a lot of good memories. I think that makes it harder. Its harder to let go when you think highly of the person.

While the pain is not as intense as it must be if that person completely abandon and discards you, it takes a much longer time (atleast I think so) to get over it.

justagirl00 wrote:I had devalued my ex a long time ago but was still attached in a way but not like you are. It crushed my ego, I couldn't stand that he had D/D'ed me and moved on way before I did. I don't think I'm attached the way you are, just obsessed with seeing how he has moved on in his life.

I can fully understand that. I have very similar issues and most of it has to do with my ego. I obsess so much about how she's going through her life now and if she's moving on. It's extremely important for me to figure out how she sees me. During the relationship and now I saw myself through her eyes. My whole self-esteem and sense of self was almost dependent on her validation and attention. And it still is that way and that's why I obsess so much..I remember the last time (after I broke up with her), her friend contacted me and wanted me to unblock her. I did and we reestablished communication. After our first long conversation I had a mental breakdown, because I couldn't deal with all the things she was telling me. That she hadn't thought that much about me in the beginning and was focussing on other things. That she has lots of new interests and ambitions and that she's doing very well. Almost as if it was a blessing that I was out of her life. I wish she would've just rejected me at that point, but for some reason she insisted on us having contact again. Why? If she was so much better off without me (she's histrionic btw and has identity problems. She hasn't really changed even though she wanted to make it look as if she did. I think it was her ego that made her tell me all these things in an attempt to show me how well she dealt with it. How she moved on etc...), why would she want that? And she was so dismissive. I knew from the beginning after we reestablished communication that I cared much more about her than she cared about me. But she always pulled me back in by saying things like "you're always in the back of my head", "i don't wanna lose you" etc etc..I just wanna stop loving her. It's of no use to me anyways and I don't think she deserves my love anymore. And maybe she did care and made all those statements just to punish me for abandoning her. But on the other hand: Maybe I am just telling myself that, because the alternative isn't a very pleasant one? (the alternative being that she didn't really care much about me leaving and was indeed better off without me). But see? This is what I am talking about. I obsess about stuff like this EVERY - SINGLE - DAY (and I am extremely obsessive-compulsive, analytical etc ) and it's so tiring...

justagirl00 wrote:You asked how it was right after I broke up from my bf 2 years ago. It was awful. I had the password to his phone account and I spent hours every day logged onto his account seeing all the people he was calling and who was calling him. So OCD. It gave me horrible anxiety to see him talking to so many other people. I wanted to see if he was still talking to his ex-gf. He was. So OCD on my part. It was extremely stalkerish. One of the things that finally made me realize I have a serious problem. I did that for months before finally telling him I had been doing that, then of course he changed his password.

Holy crap that must've been one terrible emotional rollercoaster you had to endure. I am lucky that I do not have these options and I am happy that she lives a few hundred miles away. I wouldn't be able to deal with something like that. I think I would go crazy..Just yesterday I saw a picture of her and a friend with this guy and I just had another "breakdown". Since then I devalued her so hard that I don't even find her attractive anymore..

justagirl00 wrote:He has continued to contact me since we've been broken up but like I said, only every few months. I'm sure only when he's run dry of other sources of supply. I'm over him, just not over the ego blow of being discarded. He's very Narc.

That must be difficult. It's terrible when you are being treated that way and I can totally understand that it must've been a tremendous blow to your self-esteem...But that's something that we have to work on. "Winning" back our self-esteem. Sometimes I feel like our ex-partners own a huge chunk of that and we are desperately trying to gain it back...
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby justagirl00 » Wed Nov 05, 2014 1:48 am

Hey, sorry it took me so long to reply. I think your ex is just pretending to be dismissive. She probably knows what she's doing. She wants you hung up on her. She trying to manipulate you to be hung up on her so you don't move on. Either just because she wants the attention, or she wants you back when she wants you back, or she has feelings for you, I don't know. But it sounds like she's playing games with you.

It sounds difficult for you. Why do they do this to us? I hate being strung along and wondering where I stand with people. I'd rather they just cut ties completely so I have no questions left in my mind. The lack of closure drives me crazy and sets my OCD off.

I think I do this to people too though, to keep them around for attention, or whatever. So I can't really complain. It sucks when someone does it to me though. I hate feeling out of control and powerless, like they are pulling me around by a string.
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby xfa » Wed Nov 05, 2014 4:34 am

justagirl00 wrote:Hey, sorry it took me so long to reply. I think your ex is just pretending to be dismissive. She probably knows what she's doing. She wants you hung up on her. She trying to manipulate you to be hung up on her so you don't move on. Either just because she wants the attention, or she wants you back when she wants you back, or she has feelings for you, I don't know. But it sounds like she's playing games with you.

Push/Pull, I guess. I am the only person who understands her inner world and was always there for her. Who was always understanding and never judged her. I was a benefit to her, but she has extreme attachment issues and is afraid of commitment. I guess that explains it. But I am glad that I am out of this situation. I'll make sure to never be treated that way again.

justagirl00 wrote:It sounds difficult for you. Why do they do this to us? I hate being strung along and wondering where I stand with people. I'd rather they just cut ties completely so I have no questions left in my mind. The lack of closure drives me crazy and sets my OCD off.

I think I do this to people too though, to keep them around for attention, or whatever. So I can't really complain. It sucks when someone does it to me though. I hate feeling out of control and powerless, like they are pulling me around by a string.

I think we can't judge people who do that. They have no control over it. But there comes a point where they have to make a decision. Did I tell you how she abandoned me? For several weeks she was dismissive, ignored me etc. Then she posted a picture of her with this guy. It triggered she $#%^ out of me. I complained, she ignored it. Then at some point I threatened her to block her again if she continues this (didn't want to do this, but I had no chance at that point. She was torturing me). She replied that she doesn't know what to say most of the time. I explained to her why her behavior is so hurtful and inappropriate. She shut down, ignored me again. A few minutes I announced my abandonment by saying "You know what? I doesn't matter anymore anyways. This was a huge mistake". 2 minutes later, she deleted my number and I was blocked. Self-defense, because she knew what was coming? Probably. I contacted her friend and asked her to deliver the following message:"I don't want you to ever contact me if you change your mind. This is over."

A few days ago I had a "weak moment" and checked her profile. He changed her name, background, title etc. That triggered me already and then she made several statements of how "good life is" and how great she's doing..So I had another breakdown. But I wrote something down which helped me regulate myself..It was very cathartic (it's sarcastic btw):
"Her way of doing it: Devalue and discard. Erase her out of your life and mind. Extinguish EVERY evidence of her existence or the fact, that she used to be an integral part of your life. Arrive at the following condition: For you, she doesn't exist. To you, she means nothing. To you, she is nothing. And now on to the next aspect: Change your complete exterior. Make sure, that NOTHING (not even presents, photos, clothing or even people in your environment) remind you of her. Make it look as if the person, who you shared wonderful times with, who was always there for you, always supported you, doesn't exist and never existed. Don't was a single second thinking about this person even if you learned alot and grew during that time. Do NOT do any self-reflection concerning this or all the other short-term, unstable and "failed" relationships, because you might end up finding your own flaws and shortcoming which could've lead to the negative course of the relationship. Make sure, that you repeat the same patterns OVER AND OVER, so that avoid relationships that are NOT destructive and emotionally abusive. Eliminate every chance of stability or consistency in relationships and life in general. Stay emotionally immature. NEVER call your own behavior into question. Don't (UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES) work on your low emotional intelligence. Be proud of your inability to communicate and function in a relationship.
In short: Avoid learning or growing. Make sure, that every aspect in your life is unstable and short-term. Only through this, you will achieve contentness, happiness and a fulfilling life.
...
I learned alot from one, you'll learn nothing from a dozen..What a pity
"

That was sooo cathartic (I was very angry when I wrote it). I talked to my therapist about it and it was a huge help. It's time to move on and take care of myself. I'll now avoid her page. I'll do everything in my power to resist that urge..I realized that my struggle right now doesn't have much to with her or my feelings for her. It's just my narcissism that is torturing me.
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Re: Ex reactivated her social-media-account *TW*

Postby Jeff Spicoli » Wed Nov 05, 2014 10:52 am

Oh, I can relate. My ex (we were married for one entire year, lolz) walked out on me a while back, never to return. No real reason given. She probably tired of me after taking so much that I had nothing left to give. Anyhow, I digress.

We all know "no contact, no contact, no contact." And for many this is easy.

Perhaps for us it isn't so easy, since we don't "get over things" quite so easily.

You see, many 'normal' people get over things rather quickly and move on. This is easy for them. They usually have a strong support system in place... Friends, family, and they will eventually meet someone else and move on. We become nothing but a distant memory to them.

Sad but true, but this is life for us. Myself, I live in virtual isolation. No friends, no family, no support system in place. So, for us to move on is very difficult. Some say that we will never truly move on until we meet someone else. This could be true. If I ever do meet someone again (not holding my breath), I'll report back my findings to validate this!
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