I am very emotionally dysregulated right now and I might regret having made this post later on, but I just have to "vent". Most people won't understand this, but some might. I highly doubt it though.
So a few minutes ago I was bored, browsing through the internet and out of boredom I checked the deactivated account of my ex. Turns out, she reactivated it. I don't really know why, but I had an extreme reaction. I was shocked, it felt unreal. Extreme anxiety was pumping up. I could feel my stomach turning..I just couldn't believe it. I was glad when she deactivated it, because it was so triggering, but at the same time I couldn't help but compulsively check it..
Luckily there haven't been any triggering posts (she is quite inactive), but I couldn't help but dig out old posts that she had made which I still obsess about to this day. One of those posts was quite triggering and was mainly about promiscuity. She stated something along the lines of "i want sex. with lots of partners, variety. go partying etc..". It was so bad that I could only deal with it through suicidal ideation. I just felt like leaving this place, because I just can't ######6 let go of her already and the pain those "triggers" can cause is so incredibly intense.
I am quite afraid of all this right now and I have to stay away from her site, that's for sure. She has complete power over me despite NC. Any posts she might make that would indicate her moving on or having found somebody else (or her being promiscuous) will trigger the $#%^ out of me and to be really honest, I don't know if I am capable of dealing with that at this point in time. I am at a state of mind where triggers like that (which have to do with her) are an existential threat (which sounds ridiculous, I know, but I mean it).
I feel so threatened by it. It's like she now has the capability of hurting me again, the ability of destroying me...I don't really know how to describe it..
Can anybody relate?