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What does "I hate you" really mean?

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What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby Ronie » Wed Oct 22, 2014 7:17 pm

On vacation I met a girl that seems to have a lot of borderline and avoidant traits. She's a rather shy girl who doesn't wear make up or dresses sexy even though she's still a pretty girl. She's 17 and has never had a boyfriend before. The worst thing concerning boys that happened to her is that one she liked suddenly stopped texting her. Altough she used to be shy when I met her, we started talking a lot, tease each other and she was looking for innocent physical contact. After spending a lot of time with her she would either suddenly ignore me or say something hurtful though. The whole time those mixed signals confused me. She would only say "I hate you" in a jokingly(?) way to me. Everybody around us felt like there was something between us.

After she left she would text me non stop making me feel like I was an A priority in her life. However, she would warn me, that she had a dark side, was no good for me, didn't wanna hurt me and that she was acting innocent in front of me so that I would like her. I didn't believe her since I thought she had a distorted view of herself because she always claimed she was ugly and fat. When we talked about seeing each other again she seemed scared and basically told me to go anywhere but her place lol. I was then also told to go find a girlfrined. Even tho she liked skyping at first she wanted to rely more on texting cause she had to "protect herself from feelings". Every time she would admit that she was afraid of losing me or that she missed me, she would go crazy and I would be on the receiving end of all kinds of passive aggressive behavior.

After losing it after a small agruement and expressing that she had a certain feeling that I would stop texting her she got increasingly cold. She would text less and less, lie, avoid me and sometimes not reply to my messages. I didn't understand what was going on until I found out about personality disorders such as BPD and AVPD. Every time she expressed feelings for me, she would later find crazy explanation to make it seem like it had a different meaning. She said I shouldn't believe her words and then made me feel like I was nothing special to her. She once even said that she thinks it might be better to end our communication before things get too serious between us. One time she said that she didn't care anymore if I left her and then started crying which she later denied. At this point I feel like we make no progress. I told her I wouldn't tolerate her passive aggressive behavior and lies anymore and that she should just tell me when she needs some space. However, she still seems to keep her real feelings from me.

I don't wanna leave her but at this point I don't know what to do or to expect. What does "I hate you" mean in this context? Is she even ready for a real relationship? How do I have to react and treat her if I want this relationship to work? And do I have to expect her to text other guys too? I don't think she has the time for other boys right now but I'm not really eager to find out I'm not the only one she used to boost her ego. Long distance relationships are hard enough but it would be even harder with a partner I couldn't trust. I'm not a bad guy and I'm looking for a good solution for both of us. However, I do have some self respect and don't wanna be played with. I'm pretty sure she does have feelings for me but she's so scared to open up and make herself vulnerable to me. Does anybody have good advice for me? Thanks in advance!
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby madjoe » Wed Oct 22, 2014 9:08 pm

it means try harder
take me seriously
don't dismiss me
treat me like an adult
treat me good
...


i hate you means you have a connection to someone and confidance /trust was breached
i don't care is the absens of a connection
not i hate you
you cannot hate something you do not care about
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby Ronie » Wed Oct 22, 2014 9:18 pm

madjoe wrote:it means try harder
take me seriously
don't dismiss me
treat me like an adult
treat me good
...


i hate you means you have a connection to someone and confidance /trust was breached
i don't care is the absens of a connection
not i hate you
you cannot hate something you do not care about


well, the problem is one day she says one thing, next time she will say the opposite. She also said she didn't care if I left her and then started crying. I'm a little confused. Plus if I treat her like an adult and set clear boundaries she's gonna treat me like an emotional punching ball.
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby justagirl00 » Thu Oct 23, 2014 4:50 am

She reminds me of me. I'm so scared to like a guy or get too close to them because getting dumped is too painful. I've always been like this but its been worse since a guy dumped me out of the blue and it was so devastating. I didn't see it coming, he just dumped me out of nowhere. The abandonment was horrible. Since then I haven't let myself get too close to anyone again or get my hopes up for the future.

She is testing you. She wants to know you won't leave her even if you see her dark side. She was honest with you and warned you she has a dark side. Maybe you haven't even seen it yet. She wants to feel secure in your relationship before she can get closer to you, and stop testing you, but at this point she's not sure you will stick around.

I think you just have to be strong and when she tests you, don't react. Don't get angry or show reaction. You have to be like a steady rock. Then she will feel safe and secure. She doesn't want to feel like she's building a house on sand. Guys can be fickle and suddenly change their mind. That's very hard to take for a BPD. If she senses you are solid and steady she will trust you and she won't push you away anymore.
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby Ronie » Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:56 am

justagirl00 wrote:She reminds me of me. I'm so scared to like a guy or get too close to them because getting dumped is too painful. I've always been like this but its been worse since a guy dumped me out of the blue and it was so devastating. I didn't see it coming, he just dumped me out of nowhere. The abandonment was horrible. Since then I haven't let myself get too close to anyone again or get my hopes up for the future.

She is testing you. She wants to know you won't leave her even if you see her dark side. She was honest with you and warned you she has a dark side. Maybe you haven't even seen it yet. She wants to feel secure in your relationship before she can get closer to you, and stop testing you, but at this point she's not sure you will stick around.

I think you just have to be strong and when she tests you, don't react. Don't get angry or show reaction. You have to be like a steady rock. Then she will feel safe and secure. She doesn't want to feel like she's building a house on sand. Guys can be fickle and suddenly change their mind. That's very hard to take for a BPD. If she senses you are solid and steady she will trust you and she won't push you away anymore.


Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure if she really has BPD or AVPD but she does really have certain traits. Ever since I confronted her with it, she acts like her warnings of her dark side were just a joke even tho it didn't seem like she was joking (it was on text). I guess I will just leave her alone with it now but I would just want her to get help if she really needs it.

I'm not sure if that counts as seeing her dark side but she can be very moody and I'm often on the receiving end of her passive aggression. I think it's a good chance for me to grow as well since her behavior really confused me at first. I will just stay calm then, give her more space and focus less on her. Still gonna text her but not as much and let the push-pull effect work for me.

I don't wanna pretend to be an asshole for her to take the next step but being too nice and caring doesn't seem to help anymore. She just feels pressured and denies all kind of things she already said or just the meaning of them. Oh and interestingly she said "I don't mind being dumped" which seemed like such a bad lie though. Since you claim she reminds you of yourself, are you faithful to your guy or do you keep several options open if it's ok to ask?
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby youneverreallyknow » Thu Oct 23, 2014 9:11 am

For me "I hate you" means: I let myself care about you and then you hurt me in some way, so I hate you.

It's not necessarily real hate. Hurt kind of becomes hatred because it's the only way I know how to deal with it.

Sometimes it is a passing feeling. It will go back and forth between love and hate. If/when it continues, it might become a more genuine dislike and lead to indifference and withdrawal from the relationship. Hope that makes sense
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby Ronie » Thu Oct 23, 2014 10:20 am

youneverreallyknow wrote:For me "I hate you" means: I let myself care about you and then you hurt me in some way, so I hate you.

It's not necessarily real hate. Hurt kind of becomes hatred because it's the only way I know how to deal with it.

Sometimes it is a passing feeling. It will go back and forth between love and hate. If/when it continues, it might become a more genuine dislike and lead to indifference and withdrawal from the relationship. Hope that makes sense


Thanks, I never did anything to hurt her tho. She said that after a few days already. I think maybe whatever she feels for me brings back painful memories/feelings or so and she projects them onto me. The more she became afraid I would suddenly disappear, the more she started withdrawing. However, I didn't do anything for her to believe I would leave and hurt her. It's all in her head. When I skype with her I still think she has feelings for me but she tries to surpress them right now.
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby Rainbow191292 » Thu Oct 23, 2014 2:00 pm

I think it means? "I hate that I care about you because that means I might get hurt." The aim is not to never hurt her but to show her that it is worth risking it.
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby EKO » Thu Oct 23, 2014 2:25 pm

Heh.
It depends in what situation that phrase was used.
It's usually used when a person is warming up to someone at, what they think is, too fast of a rate. It's a different type of "I really like you, but I'm afraid this isn't going to work out". Weird, I know.
It's more of a tease than anything.
Occasionally Emotionally Upset
Comments in color.
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Re: What does "I hate you" really mean?

Postby Ronie » Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:31 pm

Rainbow191292 wrote:I think it means? "I hate that I care about you because that means I might get hurt." The aim is not to never hurt her but to show her that it is worth risking it.


good one, makes sense. Thanks!
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