Next week is her birthday. I don’t know whether to congratulate or not.
I got the final discard by the end of July („Leave me alone finally“, after I set some boundaries and hinted that we maybe should stop the friendship [had been in a relationship before but I broke up with her and we decided to stay friends] because we are hurting each other). Reached out two times in between six weeks of NC to have a proper closure. She didn’t respond, but bullied me covertly in practice (we used to play in the same sports team). She isn’t in the team anymore and is leaving the town for good in December. She’s somehow sticking around in our WhatsApp-group chat of the team, a bit weird I think.
I’m in NC again for one month. I’d so like to congratulate her. Write her something like „Happy birthday. I wish you well for your future in [town she’s moving to].“.
I just don’t know what to do. I guess she couldn’t care less if I congratulate her or not… First because she always said birthdays aren’t a big deal for her and second because she said to me I should leave her alone (and I don’t want to overstep her boundaries, I wanna respect that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore). On the other hand I feel like congratulating would be the right thing to do. By the time of my birthday I was getting the silent treatment (we were still a couple) but she congratulated me anyway. She told me that she needed herself to distance from me but wanted to show me that she somehow is around and still with me by congratulating me, she even excused for ruining my birthday with her behaviour. Maybe it was just an excuse to recycle/charm. I don’t know.
I guess it’s a situation where I can only lose. When I congratulate she’ll think I’ve overstepped her boundaries and when I don’t she’ll think „I was right from the beginning, she’s an evil assh*le, a cruel human being who isn’t even capable of congratulating."
This is so difficult… I don’t exactly want her in my life the way she was before. I know logically that it’s better if she’s out of my life (I also know it's better for her if I'm out of her life because I was a huge trigger for her I guess). But I still want to be decent and polite to her, still want to treat her like a human being that matters (because she does). I want her to know that I don’t hate her but I’m not allowed to tell her because she doesn’t want me to. It’s fine if she hates me. I can live with that. But I don’t want her to think I hate her. Because I don’t.
Please help me out here… What would you do? It’s not that I still have romantic feelings for her anymore. I actually really feel for her like a little lost child… And in some weird way I know there'll always be a soft spot for her in my heart.
Being in NC feels good for my recovery, but I also feel like I’m hurting her with that very much. I don’t want her to be hurting. But if she painted me black completely then there's no hope anyway. She'd go ballistic if I congratulated her I guess. I really want her to know that I'll be still around and there for her in some way, but I can't tell her/don't know how to tell her without actually telling her.
Most of the people say I should stay NC and it was better for the both of us. Do you think so, too? I know people are different, everyone is, but could some people with BPD (traits) tell me how they would react if being congratulated on their birthday in such a situation? I just don't know if I'm still in the black or if she's feeling too guilty to reach out. I don't know anything, that I know.