Our partner

What does recovery look like?

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

What does recovery look like?

Postby HurricaneAsh » Mon Oct 20, 2014 3:51 am

In our community, we talk about recovery...a lot. And it means different things for different people. A lot of people do therapy and DBT, etc, but I think that personal experience plays a huge role in recovery as well. Self actualization, if you will.

For those who are legitimately in recovery and have seen some monumental progress and improvement in your lives and relationships, what steps did you have to take to get there? What wake up calls were there? How have things got better?

Ashley
Attachments
maya quote.jpg
maya quote.jpg (12.76 KiB) Viewed 1144 times
Welcome to the inner workings of my mind....
HurricaneAsh
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 50
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2014 11:57 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 4:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby lostandnotfound » Tue Oct 21, 2014 3:38 am

I haven't been to DBT. I want it now. I spent two years after my diagnosis trying to escape it, mainly by not mentioning its impact on my life to current psychologists. However, I have made some changes alone.

For one, I do not have as volatile of a temper as I once had with my family. This came from the desire to stop the effects of my BPD/BP on others. I simply got tired of making others as miserable as I made myself.

Finding proper BP medication was forefront. I don't think people with BPD should attempt any major therapy without controlling thier "organic" or Axis I disorders, if they have them. I also did a lot of research on BPD, so I became a bit more vigilant of its effects.

However, I've recently made the decision that I cannot do this alone. I thought I could, but sadly became more of a hermit, attempting to "quarantine" myself in a self-constructed idealized world in my own mind.

Nonetheless, I think recovery is possible. I may feel differently about it, depending on the moment, but I think acklowledging it and deciding to elect for therapy is my first step towards real recover and reintergration into society as a functioning, drug-free individual.
lostandnotfound
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2014 8:36 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby madjoe » Tue Oct 21, 2014 7:17 am

if you don't know what you are looking for how would you know if you found it

don't focus on "the perfect life" or "keeping up with the joneses"
newsflash most ppl fake it and keep up a front

so do your own thing
and what ever makes you happy/stable/balanced
madjoe
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 9510
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:03 am
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 10:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby centerpath » Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:00 pm

I let myself cry for almost three years, while unlayering and looking within, opening doors to places that felt too traumatized in the past to give voice.

After hundreds or maybe thousands of overwhelming emotional overloads, I finally seemed to wring much of the intensity out of such feelings, and accept that life has a background of distress that in the past would have been overwhelming. It's similar to working with some horses. Some horses are so on edge that if a plastic bag blows by or a board rattles in the wind they'll throw their rider. Rather than trying to control the arena or not ride them in wind, we bring them out and in a measured way make loud noises and move things around. That can get the horse to kind of use up the hair trigger tension.

I'm 55 years old, and for the first time in my life feel complete in and of myself, and alone. My relative recovery, or current state of more recovered self, is someone who is very cautious in my daily dealings, very slow to open my heart, but in command of a small but very personal inner place I can turn to and find center again.

It's a better place than I ever expected to be. Not like other people, and not really happy or sad, but feeling very much like for the first time I carry with me a small island I can climb onto and feels safe when such soothing is needed.
centerpath
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 720
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 4:11 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby Willow123 » Sun Oct 26, 2014 10:57 pm

I think it's just when you admit you have a problem and want to change. I've been in therapy for about a year and DBT for six months or so. I'm still borderline but I notice some moderate improvement and I believe if I continue to do my therapy one day I might just be completely recovered.
Willow123
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2014 10:35 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby blackcat14 » Mon Oct 27, 2014 1:16 pm

uhuh. what recovery looks like for me. Good things:
1) stopped all self-injury and suicidal behaviour
2) learned to manage impulsivity and stopped lashing out immediately at everything and anything
3) stopped clingy behaviour (but see further)
4) thanks to the above ... i can have a job and family
BUT:
1) total control all the time. Faking it, all the time. That means that i am happy go lucky while inside i am still feeling crap most of the time, hence nobody knows
2) totally disconected from the world and from people. I amnage to keep straight and function while i am out in space.
3) LONELY. nobody really knows me as big chuncks of me are just repressed
4) given up completely on relationships. just impossible to find somebody that can understand and accept fully all the different aspects. normal people just clinge to the nice bits and actually are disappointed if you are any different. all ready for a good ride but when downer kicks in, they all disappear.
5) downers still there. bad ones. suicidal ones. but they are shorter. no acting out anymore
6) all bad bahaviour and urges are reverted on the inside and secret --->>> sleepless nights. many, too many.
7) again, it is a lonely planet to be on.

perhaps i am not the bestly recovered even though nobody would probably suspect. i still feel totally estranged, not fitting in. without a place, without a purpose. there are good times too. not right now, but there can be. managing the bad behaviour has some huge improvements of general living.

ah, not much of a post.

good luck.
User avatar
blackcat14
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 199
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2014 3:28 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 10:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby HurricaneAsh » Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:57 am

Thanks for sharing. Those are all big accomplishments.

Managing bad behavior is a big one for me, too.

For me, I feel like I'm an odd borderline. I don't self mutilate, really. I pick at zits, but I've never cut. Never been hospitalized. Never really had legitimate suicide attempts. I held my head under bathwater once for a whopping 30 seconds...and even then I laughed at how ridiculous it was. Most of my suicide-y things are ideation and less acting upon.

Recovery for me:

1. No more shopping sprees. No more frivolous spending.
2. Stop splitting.
3. When in a major feud/having a big issue with someone, don't just cut them out.
4. Don't project problems, intense emotions and insecurities on other people
5. Actually stick with goals
6. No more major emotional outbursts (anxiety/paranoia attacks, crying fits, temper tantrums)
7. Learn to not verbally/emotionally abuse MYSELF
8. Let go of the past and quit holding on to past hurts
9. Emotional stability....not letting everything that upsets me DERAIL me.
10. Be a better, more supportive friend
11. Healthier, more mutually fulfilling relaationships where I am giivng as much as I am taking and they are not resentful for my neediness
12. Be emotionally self-sufficient...(again, neediness)
13. Be comfortable being on my own
14. Better coping skills at handling my own out of control emotions, stop expecting friends and family to help deal with them
15. Actually have long term relationships without major conflicts
Welcome to the inner workings of my mind....
HurricaneAsh
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 50
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2014 11:57 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 4:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby vitruvia » Tue Oct 28, 2014 1:53 pm

Well; I got my diagnosis nearly three years ago. But like many others, I refused to believe in it. I was in complete denial until recently. A suicide attempt left me in hospital for 3 days. During this time they did many assessments and monitored me to make sure I was coming back down from my crisis.

It was here that I had the diagnosis officially confirmed and truly explained to me. Finally having had someone go over each symptom and explain how they presented themselves in my life, I began to see it. The pieces all fell together, if you will.

I went to the hospital as a "last hurrah." I wanted help. I needed help. I was so, so, so completely tired of being sad, lonely, angry, dissociated, "psychotic" multiple times a day. Every day. Living was just too painful. All of my interpersonal relationships felt like laying on jagged shards of glass, desperately seeking some kind of comfort.

I knew I wanted to get better. I made the decision. I committed to it. I started reading as much as I could about borderline -- I continued good habits that I'd already developed as self-soothing techniques. Meditation and a deep, genuine interest in Zen Buddhism, taking a hot shower to stop anxiety attacks, challenging negative thoughts, refusing to react impulsively to situations. Etc.

Eventually I entered an individual therapy program. I have been doing STEPPS (I'm Canadian) for three months now. On paper my recovery is glowing and undeniable. It comes in waves and some days are more painful than others. But over the years, certain behaviors that were so obviously caused by BPD (like self-harm) stopped on their own.

I quit drinking. I refused to use drugs of any kind after an OD left me too afraid of accidentally or intentionally consuming excess medications. I started slowly by setting small goals, by visualizing bigger goals and finding ways to work towards them. I outlined daily expectations for myself, to fight my depression. Things I needed to do even if I didn't want to.

I left behind people and places that caused me pain or constantly left me on the verge of breaking down. (Some people are much more insensitive than others, no matter how much you try to warn them or explain your condition to them.) Anyway... Getting to the bottom of the question....

What does recovery look like?

More peaceful days than chaotic ones. Believe it or not... YES... It's totally possible. Calming down in minutes after a painful emotional event rather than hours or days. Not letting anyone or anything get you off the track you've committed to being on. A bad day doesn't seem like the end of the world anymore.

I journal to get out most of my feelings. I do a lot of introspecting. I have a tumblr where I focus on reblogging positive images that leave me with relaxed or confident feelings. I am learning self-love. I no longer tolerate being mistreated like it's something I deserve. I recognize that it is NOT. I recognize that the pain and suffering I endured in my childhood were by no means my own fault or due to some fault within me.

I am not flawed. I am unique. I have strengths and weaknesses and each one of these things is beautiful. They deserve to be celebrated, appreciated, adored. So does my body. Because my body is a tank that has survived war. Both inside and out. :)

So... That... That's what recovery looks like for me. Accomplishment/success. And peace. :)

P.S: Recognizing that you have an identity. Not all borderlines are the same, for example. I may not have known what my beliefs were, or who I was. But then I also learned that I did know those things deep down inside. I merely pushed them away in favor of being liked by other people. I learned that it's okay to be ME... Unapologetically me. And I don't need anyone else to love or accept me, to confirm that I have worth, or value. I know I do without someone else telling me. Because I love and accept me. And I know what's important to me, too.

Best of luck in your own recoveries. Joy and authentic self-confidence are right around the corner.

xoxox
vitruvia
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2014 8:24 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 6:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby AmorousDestruction » Mon Nov 03, 2014 1:16 am

Recovery for me would be a functional relationship that I could see as important to me, but at the same time not the center of my life or happiness. Recovery would also look like being less self-centered and caring more about the needs and emotions of other people.

However, I don't exactly believe in "recovery" persay. I just believe in being happy and making others happy. That is far too blurry of a line to really pin down as "recovery".
Dx: Crazy bitch
AmorousDestruction
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 826
Joined: Fri May 16, 2014 10:49 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 6:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: What does recovery look like?

Postby blank identity » Mon Nov 03, 2014 1:41 am

I guess it depends on the person. I really can't picture what recovery would look like for me. This is the only thing I've ever known, the only baseline I have ever had. What would it be like to be a Normal, if that were possible? I have no idea.

Whatever the hell "normal" is anyway. :roll:
blank identity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 205
Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:31 am
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 10:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests