New to the forum- Please help - many questions about BPD syx

Hello everyone! I'm new to the forum, so please bare with me...I have not yet been formally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm not trying to self-diagnose myself with it, but I experience all the classic symptoms of it. I have bipolar 1 disorder, adhd, and GAD.

I have never brought up the topic of borderline personality disorder with my doctor. Yes, I've looked up the symptoms many times..which are very vague to me...and I'm not trying to be a hypochondriac and be like OMG i have borderline personality disorder! These are symptoms that I have seriously struggled with since I was around 15 years old, and never knew what it was. I experience the typical shifts between elation, almost uncontrollable obnoxiousness..to severe depression and suicidal ideation.

But, I have questions about the other symptoms of BPD...like feelings of loving and admiring someone, to absolutely not being able to stand them or wanting to be around them, unprovoked, for no reason at all, even if I hadn't seen the person in a while. For example, a friend of mine.. there are moments throughout the day where I'm like "I love this kid so much , he is such an awesome person and I just love having him as a friend."..2 hours later I'm like "I can't stand him, he doesn't care about anybody but himself, he's such a weird person and I just don't like being around him"... I shift back and forth between feeling like that with friends. Family members as well, but it is usually not immediate family..like my mom or dad. But aunts, uncles, cousins...

I shift back and forth between loving them, thinking they're a great family and love me..to thinking they suck to have as a family and wouldn't shed one tear if I were to die. Is this normal? Do average people feel like this? I really do not feel like this is normal, because these feelings are unprovoked and they shift throughout the day/week. I feel like this is such a lengthy, boring entry that no one is actually going to read this. I really hope somebody does lol. If not, then I will re-post with a MUCH condensed version of this.

One last question...and this was actually the ONLY thing that I wanted to post about initally (until I got carried away in my life story )...I've never seen this symptom listed anywhere...but is fluctuating sexual attraction something that goes along with BPD? For example, my friend I mentioned earlier...when I think highly of him, I've also pretty sexually attracted to him. But then I will almost feel repulsed by him and not have any physical attraction to him whatsoever. Is this something that goes along with the feelings of idealization/devaluation? I am so sorry about this long post. Thank you to anyone who sat here and read this! <3

Sorry can't diagnose. Just tell your symptoms to a psychiatrist.

Oh I wasn't looking for a diagnosis. I do plan to tell this to my psychiatrist the next time I see her. I just wanted to know if others experience this

Hi fallenstar

I have done the love/hate thing with people too- the idea can shift pretty rapidly and over a seemingly small trigger. Though it might not seem a small trigger to us, and sometimes perhaps not even recognised as a trigger of sorts. I have done it a lot with family as well as the other people around me- friends, people I work with, even my therapist. You're not alone there.

I'm not sure about the sexual attraction thing- it's not something I've experienced, but that's not to say others haven't. Perhaps it is part of the idealization/devaulation like you mentioned.

I think discussing it with your psychiatrist next time is a good plan.

Congrats on your first post, it didn't seem too long... Very succinct in fact!

As for your question, have you looked into "splitting", it's a BPD characteristic that in my personal experience has had a physical dimension too. Most of these things occur on a spectrum with some people expressing it more often than others.

I don't know you but my first impression is maybe your current diagnosis is correct??...it's none of my business but I'm curious if you ever get triggered and have a noticeable emotional outburst that others would consider out of proportion with the "expected or normal response"?

Welcome to the forum.

I do experience what you described. Its almost impossible for me to see someone in shades of gray. I either love them or despise them. They are either a saint or an evil demon. Not with everybody of course, only with people I feel something toward. A friend, close relatives too, my parents, siblings, etc. Especially with boyfriends or sexual partners.

Currently I am crazily splitting back and forth with this guy, a former sexual partner. One day I absolutely hate him, I attack him with the worst insults I can come up with. I feel he has hurt me so deeply he deserves anything I can say or do to him as revenge. He's like an evil demon who was put on the earth to harm me, in my mind. Then ten minutes after I've attacked him, I feel awful. I remember a sweet thing he had done for me once, and then I feel like the worst person ever to have done that, and I try to take back what I said. This happens every few weeks, when I'm triggered by something he did or didn't do. We aren't even close now. This is embarrassing to admit. My behavior is really bad lately, in this area.

Splitting is only one symptom of BPD though. There are 8 other criteria. You have to meet 5 to be diagnosable, I think. Mood swings, suicidal ideation, self-harm, reckless behavior, feeling empty, lack of stable identity, are some of the other symptoms.

As you said, you really shouldn't try to diagnose yourself. Its better to bring it up with your doctor.

About the sexual attraction, well, I'm still sexually attracted to him even when I "hate" him....so I don't know.

welcome aboard...

the black n white thinking can be very tiring and frustrating.

what helped me deal with this challenge is...

trying to see acts/people as healthy or unhealthy. this helps me a lot. if i get along well with someone then i see it as a healthy equation instead of thinking of the person as divine. if i dont like someone's behavior, i categorize him as unhealthy for me.
being loyal to myself helps a lot.

i try not to put someone on pedestal. the person has a life of his own. maybe he's just being nice, like how i be nice at times.

channelize the hatred(negative thinking) in writing, exercise but any other act. people make mistakes. no one is perfect. even i have done stuff at times which i wish i hadnt done. so i try not to judge someone or crucify someone. i try to channelize the energy elsewhere.

i hang out with people with whom i get along. i dont indulge in any formality.

also, it's very difficult so at times i just indulge in splitting. it took me almost a year to shift my thoughts from black/white to healthy/unhealthy...

Hi
Welcome to the forum. I'm fairly new also, not been officially diagnosed with BPD but waiting to see a psychologist.
I can definitely relate to all you said, except that you mentioned when you switch from loving someone and thinking they are amazing to hating them there's no real reason for it. With me, there's always a reason I think, but it could be something small like something the person said or the way they looked at me lol (so not really a reason but at the time, to me it is lol) Or if they are late or don't reply to a text instantly or... really it could be anything. But at the time to me it seems something huge. Even if nothing has really happened. In my view it has.
Like the other day for example I was meeting up with someone and they weren't there on the dot of the time we arranged, so I sent them a series of increasingly angry texts, then started calling and was literally cursing this person on my own in the street calling them all sorts of names and was utterly convinced I hated them and that they were a nasty, horrible, evil, arrogant pr**k. They showed up 5 mins later and pointed out they weren't late, then I remembered my watch is 5 mins fast LOL and then 1 hour later I was convinced I was in love with them lol Today I hate them again! haha .... It's so frustrating.

As for the sexual attraction thing to be honest I would have thought that's maybe something that varies from person to person. I'm not really the best to reply to this as I've not actually been diagnosed haha! Sorry lol With me that also varies depending on person. But not all the time because there have been times when I hate a person but am also very physically, sexually attracted to them and it angers me that I feel like that when I hate them lol I think that's probably just me though, most people I would have thought are similar to yourself on that one.

I think the best thing to do is tell everything to your doc.