im dying on the inside

Hello.
I am new to this site and I'm desperate .... I am call falling apart.
I have bpd with manic depression and an eating disorder. I was misdiagnosed for 22 years. Taken every med known to man. I do abuse my prescription drugs and self harm.
Recently the love of my life left because I was dragging him down. I'm lower than I have ever been. I'm taking 30mg of buspirone or buspar also 50mg sertraline. I have a psych appt next month but I'm not coping.
I feel like I'm alone and being punished I know I'm a nightmare but now my heart is broken and I can't deal with it all....thanks for listening.

Hi tammy...it certainly sounds like the breakup is not easy to deal with...been there done that...do you have any friends or family to talk to until you see psych next month? I know it feels like you're being punished but let me tell you this is just a feeling and it will get better...or better said, YOU will get better. You're not alone and keep posting...how are you doing now?

Thanks for the reply. I feel like my world has folded in. I am having suicidal thoughts and I'm hurting myself. I'm so frightened. He was my world and I put so much into it. He was wearing down with my problems he was under a lot of stress and all I wanted was to love him and be loved. I can't see anyway out of this it feels like I will never get over him .

I agree, keep posting. Things will get easier. Breakbups are by nature hard especially if you were together for a long time. Just remember that you are worth fighting for even if he can't see it. You need to keep fighting for yourself. Do you have a therapist?

Tammy if you feel you are in danger please call a crisis line because they can be real helpful. You just need to get through this. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself like take a walk, take a warm shower, go out for coffee or shopping or anything. I know you are def not in the mood for this right now but it worked for me many times. Stay strong

Thanks again guys.
I've just taken my meds and I'm calming a bit now. I start therapy on the 8th October so three weeks away. I was with him on and off for almost a year he was my perfect man or so I thought. Yes I left my husband last year of 15 years and I handled it emotion free. I feel karma is punishing me x

Karma is not punishing you. You are going through a rough patch but you can take something from this and build upon it. Improve yourself. Get yourself ready to face the world. Then maybe someone even more perfect, someone willing to accept the new you and not give up even when things get rough will come along.

It seems like you're going through a really difficult situation. Just remember you're not alone.
Breaking up surely is a negative thing, but it's much worse when you have BPD. Still, it doesn't mean you can't get better!
Abusing meds and self-harm is really dangerous and doesn't make the issue go away. I know how hard it is to stop since I self-harm too but you can definitely get better. Finding other ways to cope and distract yourself is a good start. Please be safe, it's not worth it destroying your life.

Is there a way to get to see your doctor earlier?

If you feel like you're in danger then call him/her or just seek immediate help.

Sending hugs to you