Internal reactions to external reactions

It's very comforting to see that so many people feel like this and that I'm not alone.

It only takes the slightest hint of a negative tone or body language. Or like you said even a neutral reaction where you expected something more for my mind to start racing with those types of thoughts. It's much more difficult to overcome than I thought it would be as well. I look at past relationships that I've basically destroyed through this pattern in myself.

Exactly that. I destroyed relationships (friendships) doing that too. But I wasn't aware. It's hard to be aware of what you're doing while you're doing it.

The sense of guilt comes later, after everything is broken....

infinity2449 wrote:I just can't socialize without getting anxious and therefore messing everything up. It sucks.

I put myself out there and socialize, but keep misreading things. It's funny, because I'm mostly not aware of my feelings getting in the way. How can you gain control, when you're feeling neutral. It's all hidden.

Of course, some situations are very obviously explosive.

I struggle with this a lot. I hear you so much. It's really hard for me because I have no poker face and when something is bothering me I'm very bad at not showing it or forcing myself to pretend that nothing's going wrong.

I create problems from nothing. This week I got into a fight with the SO because he didn't want to have sex with me in the middle of the night when he wasn't even conscious and we went to bed at 2 AM and needed to get up at 6. All of a sudden it was "Does he not desire me anymore? Am I getting boring? What's wrong with me that he doesn't want to have sex with me right now?"

Last week we were apparently having sex too much and not talking and going out enough. It was "what if he doesn't like me and only likes having sex with me? What if he's using me? What if he doesn't see me as a friend?"

Neither thought process was legitimate in any way. He had validated both that he loved sex with me and that he enjoyed spending time talking and hanging out with me. No matter how much acceptance and care I get, I always manage to disregard it and make problems and pick fights and get upset. I feel so helplessly stuck in this pattern. I can't seem to make it stop.

AmorousDestruction wrote:No matter how much acceptance and care I get, I always manage to disregard it and make problems and pick fights and get upset. I feel so helplessly stuck in this pattern. I can't seem to make it stop.

Damn, this is exactly how I feel. This is a destructive pattern though, because that's one of the things we subconsciously use to push people away. I wish they understood that we don't do it on purpose and we can't help it.
*sigh*

ElKahn wrote:

AmorousDestruction wrote:No matter how much acceptance and care I get, I always manage to disregard it and make problems and pick fights and get upset. I feel so helplessly stuck in this pattern. I can't seem to make it stop.

Damn, this is exactly how I feel. This is a destructive pattern though, because that's one of the things we subconsciously use to push people away. I wish they understood that we don't do it on purpose and we can't help it.
*sigh*

Seriously. I think to some extent he understands that it's not on purpose, but he doesn't quite get that I'm trying not to do it but still manage to do it anyway. I'll say "I don't know if I can handle the fighting anymore. I get so upset and so tired." and he'll say "then stop fighting with me and making yourself upset!" It's like the simplest thing ever and I can't do it! I hate myself for it. I'm torturing him and I can't do anything about it. I've said things and I see this look in his eyes like this deep sadness. Like I killed something inside of him. It doesn't even need to be an insult, sometimes it's just things like asking if he even likes me after he's put so much care and effort into our relationship that the question is absurd. Sometimes I think that if I really cared about him, I would break up with him. He won't break up with me...well he has but we always get back together. He says he can't say no to me. I know I'm like a drug for him. He's addicted to being with me, but it also hurts him and kills him and his sanity. This illness is so f*cked up.

Telling us to stop starting fights when we get stuck in that horrible pattern is like telling a mute person to speak. Bitter truth. I just can't help it, I wish I could. I always end up f***g everything up and blaming myself for that after they attack me for being paranoid and stuff.

I never want to start fights either, but I keep seeing how the unexpected develops. Since I work in the medical field I feel like one nurse wrote: "Not one time in your entire life will your day in the hospital ever go exactly like you planned. Whether you are a patient, a doctor, a nurse, or housekeeping – weird things happen. Life’s a lot like the hospital environment in that, even though we know the right procedures, and we have the right equipment, things can still happen that are out of our control"....so....since no one can predict to a certainty what will develop in life, I am just not going to let others' behavior get me down...that is, til next time lol