Venting Thread *TW*

This world....this world is too cold to be the hell that it is

^ ^

Nah, just sick of some of the #######4. This IS the venting thread.

But it's nice to know that people are listening.

I'm tired of not believing in myself and lacking confidence. I'm lonely but I don't know how to develop any meaningful attachments.

I love how my Mom seems to think it's ok to discuss my life and my business with other people. And then makes me out to be this little girl who has no life and is still about 5. Other parents big up their kids, but all she does is ######6 put me down to other people. ###$ off. I've been through so much in the last few years and had to struggle through so much $#%^. At one point I was even homeless and completely on my own hundreds of miles away from anyone I knew. And with no money. But I got through it. I dealt with it, just like I've dealt with everything else. ######6 stupid ###$. All anybody ever does is devalue me!! I seriously just need to get the ###$ out of here.
Sorry for anger.

F*** you, ex-whatever the f*** we were. You left me cold over 3 months ago, in spite of everything you said and everything I thought I meant to you. You're a liar and a narcissist. Why do I still think of you? Moreover, why is it that in all of the daydreams I have about you I feel the need to prove to you that I'm capable of being loved? You told me I was deserving of love, but your actions speak louder than your words. You're another nail in the coffin of my ability to trust and be intimate with other people. You've made me just a little bit more unloveable.

You told me that you loved me and that you would do anything for me. If you loved me, you wouldn't have broken up with me over text after 7 months and left me crying for days on end while high on painkillers and benzos and calling your phone in panicked, humiliating desperation. You knew there was a high likelihood that I'd become suicidal and you didn't even care if your callous abandonment made me kill myself. If you would have done anything for me, you would have listened to my pleas to talk in person so that the end wouldn't be over a goddamn f***ing text message. You are not the kindhearted, caring soul you thought yourself to be, you smug, pretentious f***. You were never going to teach me to be a better person with your supposed love for me, because you are not a f***ing good person. God, I hate you and I still love you. The part of me that still loves you must be a masochistic idiot.

Why is this still in me? When will this stop? What is the point of loving someone when I can feel like this in the end? It isn't worth it. It truly isn't. God, it hurts so much. I thought this pain was over so many times but it keeps coming back to haunt me.